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Wives who have had to let go?
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I had a wonderful conversation with a very wise women today about my dh. He is an awesome father, husband and friend to all. He never lets us down. The one area that was brough up was this question to me: “Who is the spiritual leader in your home” with out question I answered I am. She just shrugged. This is funny I have to say because I have felt like this is a problem in our home for years now, but no one ever said antyhing about it or turned the question onto me.
What kind of example am I setting for my children when dad sits on the couch while I read devotions and do prayers every night? Especially being they are or at least the first 5 are boys? I don’t want them to think that there furture wife will do this for them. The bible clearly states it’s the fathers role to lead the family, but my dh is not in this and I believe only this area.
I believe this is the way it should be but I openly say I fear that the Lord will never convict him to lead in this area and so I keep doing it. Now this is not a question of do you thinkg I should or shouldn’t, cause I believe I shouldn’t keep doing this and I also feel I should stop and let the Lord do as he will in this area with my dh.
So my real question is to those who have also had to stop to give up this or another area in there marriage so that there dh could either grow or maybe (and it’s realistic to say maybe) never grow how did you stop? I mean I can’t just never do prayer before bed again starting tonight. My dh would know that something is up and start to wonder, also my kids would think I have lots it. What are your insights or thoughts? Thanks
I too am married to a wonderful provider. Unfortunately, he thinks his only role is to provide financially. I’ve voiced my thoughts and concerns to him, prayed for years about this and still see no change. Our church has even spoken to this topic many times, but he’s just not doing it. I know you said that your question wasn’t about if you should or shouldn’t stop , but if I may, present some Scripture that has helped me deal with this issue. In 2 Timothy 1:5 Paul speaks of Timothy’s grandmother and mother having much influence in his life.
“I have been reminded of your sincere faith, which first lived in your grandmother Lois and in your mother Eunice and, I am persuaded, now lives in you also.”
Timothy’s sincere faith was credited to 2 women in his life. I believe it’s important for us to continue training our children in the Lord, helping them know and love Him, pray with them especially when our husbands choose not to, as we wait on the Lord to draw our husbands hearts toward leadership in this area.
I’ve often wondered if I’m doing something wrong. Maybe someone else could give us insight on what we could do to help our husbands feel comfortable in this role.
Blessings,
mj
WARNING!! You may want to skip this post, because I do have a different view on whether you should our should not be doing this. The Holy Spirit in your may be leading you in a totally different way because He knows what is best for your family. I would never want to assume differently; I just felt like I wanted to give a bit of a different perspective on the ‘to do’ or ‘not to do.’ I do so hope I am not offending you by overreaching what your question is.
Your husband being the spiritual leader does not mean you cannot train your children in spiritual matters. It is more a matter of whether you are under your husband’s authority in all that you do. He is fully able to delegate things to you. Think of dads that are serving in the armed forces. They have the ability to be the leaders even at such a great distance. I agree with the example of Timothy. I can think of many other examples throughout history (Lamplighter has a whole book on the subject!). I agree that it does seem best if Dad is engaged, but there are many ways of engaging on a spiritual level. Does he discipline them with a vision to point them to the Lord? That is just one example.
Practically speaking, could you discuss this with your husband? It would seem that we wives could submit to our husbands what we think would be best in an area but then be WILLING to accept his decision in the matter. What your children will see is a wife being a helper meet for her husband. Your sons will likely have a different circumstance when they are grown and so they will have a different scenario that works for them. That may be all that is needed to be communicated to them; not that dad’s got to do this or it doesn’t get done. I’ve been there, done that, and what my children pick up is that I’m bullying their dad. Not a lot of submission there.
Another thought is to ask your husband a question that you or the children have from a sermon or some reading that you are doing. That is submitting to him as the spiritual head. The temptation to go and find the answer for ourselves is great, but we should be waiting on them. That shows them that we are honest in our assertion that they are our spiritual leader.
Blessings,
Cindy
I believe that it is our responsibility as the mothers of our children, to provide a Godly upbringing if and when our husbands are unable. I believe that many times this happens, because of their upbringing. Even though they may see what is going on, it may be very difficult for them to take this role if they were never taught how.
I know from my experience that my hubby wasn’t brought up in the church. He became a christian as a young adult. He used to be the same way and I assumed all of the responsibility for my children’s Godly upbringing. I believe that if you want him to do this, he will also need to see you as an example….especially, if he didn’t have that growing up.
I try to discuss the issues and why I feel it is important for my children to have this in their lives and the reasons that I hope that he would want to fill that role for our children. Another thing that has helped me to deal with issues concerning things I wished my husband did differently, was asking God to change my heart. I discovered that I was spending so much time worrying about how to change my husband, and I wasn’t portraying a loving supportive wife that I should have been. When I did this daily for a while, I began to change….and in turn, my husband changed also.
The last thing that I learned was that everything happens in God’s Time…not ours!
Blessings,
Jenielle
I have debated answering this, as the story I have to relate is scriptural, but not from the bible.
There were 2000 young soldiers that had volunteered to protect their land, as their parents had years earlier made a promise to God that they would never kill another person, even in defese. However, these young soldiers had been very young children when that promise had been made, and had never made it themselves. The people had felt bad about the losses that a friendly nation that had protected them all these years were sustaining to protect them when these young soldiers volunteered.
47 Now they never had fought, yet they did not fear death; and they did think more upon the aliberty of their bfathers than they did upon their lives; yea, they had been taught by their cmothers, that if they did not doubt, God would deliver them. 48 And they rehearsed unto me the words of their amothers, saying: We bdo not doubt our mothers knew it.
[details of the war here…]
55 And now it came to pass that when they had surrendered themselves up unto us, behold, I numbered those young men who had fought with me, fearing lest there were many of them slain. 56 But behold, to my great joy, there had anot one soul of them fallen to the earth; yea, and they had fought as if with the bstrength of God; yea, never were men known to have fought with such miraculous strength; and with such mighty power did they fall upon the Lamanites, that they did frighten them; and for this cause did the Lamanites deliver themselves up as prisoners of war.
To me, the big thing is that these young men were righteous, and were strengthened in The Lord because their mothers had taught them to be so.
Yes, it is best if the father is the one leading spiritually in the home. And he should always be given the opportunity to do so, and what encouragement you can give. And yes, there are probably a few men that would be more likely to “step up to the plate” so to speak, if their wives didn’t do it instead. But the spiritual needs in the home are so important and so great, that I do not hesitate to do what I can to provide it if/when my husband doesn’t. (and will admit that right now he is struggling in this area.) And I have had support from my church leaders on this too (directly)).
I hope this helps, and I hope that people will take this the way it was meant.
Thank you for these posts. They have really given me some thought. Different idea’s on how I want to work in this area. I know 1st is always seek the Lord and I will as I have been lately religiously with my dh’s struggles lately as the start of my time with the Lord.
I know of and wonder of the women you have mentioned in the bible, but so many more times the Lord tells the Father to take this role. I will not stop my morning, lunch & school time with the children in the Lord, I am just trying to find a balance with evening devotions/prayers.
You have given me must to think about and I am greatful. I love the response I get on this board and which is why I ask of you women. Tonight as an example.. instead for mom at 7 stopping movie to say it’s prayer time I let it go until dad said it’s time for bed now 7:30. No one really seemed to mind or question other than my comments to them about not doing prayer that it was late. (We are early risers) Then my 3 yr old kept asking why we didn’t pray and asked dad to do it. Usually dad will say mom will and we’ll do it together in his room, but he actually took the lead and did a very nice prayer with him. That is why I ask, if I am holding him back from being that spiritual leader.
Also the children adn I are all Catholic but he was raised and is a Lutheran. Now from the start he’s loved our Catholic church and has learned a ton in our years together but some of me wonders if that makes him fearful of not doing devotion/prayers with them? I guess I’m jsut thinking out loud here. Anyway thanks again. Misty
My thought on this issue, besides agreeing with CindyS whole-heartedly, is to look at families where the father isn’t a believer, but the mother is. She has to be the one in the “leadership” role, at least as far as Bible readings and prayers are concerned. She can still submit to her dh’s wishes, just like any other wife. I have a few friends who are wonderful Christian women but who are married to unbelievers, and so it is their job to raise their children as Christians.
My dh is definitely our leader, spiritually and otherwise, but sometimes (OK, a lot of the time) he has me read our nightly devotion, just because he’s not big on reading. I say the prayer as part of that, just because it’s written in the book. But when we pray before a meal, he leads that. When we are doing Bible as part of school, I do it, because dh’s at work. 🙂 I think it all comes down to what your dh wants you to do, and what he wants to do himself. As CindyS said, he can delegate things to you, and that is still in his realm of leadership.
Definitely pray and talk to your dh about this. He may be allowing you to do it because he enjoys listening to you. 😉 Or maybe he feels you have more insight into the Bible and would rather you teach the children. Or maybe he is thinking, well, she always does it, so I don’t have to worry about it. Or maybe he is afraid to do it. Or maybe he’s too tired. There are a million reasons why, especially if he’s a Christian and very sincere in his faith. Just ask him. 🙂
I want to start with a disclaimer….I am speaking specifically on MY experience in this area…I don’t wish to offend anyone.
I also had a hard time letting go with a hubby who seemed disinterested, not only in spiritual matters but in homeschool matters as well. I prayed, I cried, I pleaded, I gave the silent treatment, the hopeful speech, the “worship was so awesome today” —- all to no avail. My hubby just did not seem interested. I thought it was maybe it was because he was raised in an unchurched environment. But two years ago, I attended a homeschool conference in which Todd Wilson was the keynote speaker. He gave a class just for wives, in ways they could encourage their husbands to get more involved in not just homeschooling, but also in parenting and in spritual matters.
His magic words? ~~~~~~~ LET HIM.
Todd said that a lot of times husbands disengage because we as wives are nit-picking their efforts in the background. We ask them to get the children dressed for church, then the kids come out with unmatched clothes and we get mad. We ask them to help with math, then the child is taught a different way and we run in to fix it. We ask them their opinion on a book, and we disagree. After so many of these incidents, husbands disengage.
I took a long hard look at the way I treated my husband, and I realized Todd was right.
Today’s world “empowers” the woman, saying we can do and be all. Rarely do we hear how we should submit to our husbands. At the same time, mens’ roles are also blending in to include things that in the not so distant past were not considered “masculine.” Now, I’m not advocating we marry some chauvinistic neanderthal, knuckle-dragging brute, but at the same time we need to step back and let them do what God has designed them to do, without rushing in to “fix” it (as I had).
It was very hard for me to step back and let my husband lead. I did purchase a book for him, which he reluctantly agreed to read, but it worked wonders. The book was Todd Wilson’s book HELP! I’M MARRIED TO A HOMESCHOOLING MOM! Reading this book, coupled with prayer, coupled with me letting him lead, has slowly gotten my husband more and more involved. He still doesn’t lead us spiritually as much as I would like him, too, but that is my fault. I am confidant that he will eventually.
There is so much more to tell about the road we’ve traveled, but I can honestly say it all started with that Todd Wilson class. Again, this may not have been anyone else’s experience but mine, but I just wanted to throw in another view point.
I have had Angie’s experience in my marriage/family, as well. I finally decided that I was hurting more than helping and backed off considerably and that has worked better than all the nagging/nit-picking/begging was doing combined (not saying that anyone else did this, this was my experience).
My husband is a Christian (came from an unchurched home/mom worked full time/bio-dad abandoned them/step dad not very loving), but struggles leading us in devotions for the most part because he feels that he’s not mature enough in the word. I’ve tried to encourage him and let him know that we’re not looking for a theologian, just a dad that reads the Word to his family:) Well, that still isn’t happening, but we do attend church faithfully and he is committed to his family a 1000%. We pray together on a regular basis, and the boys know who we trust in for all of our needs, but I am the one who does the charater studies, Bible readings, hymn studies, etc. I don’t mind near as much as I used to once I realized that my husband does so much for us and allows me the opportunity to be an at home mom and homeschool as well. I feel very blessed even without the nightly devotions.
I have to admit that I was one of those wives that thought he should be doing ______ (fill in the blank), but I have witnessed this man be transformed over time into another kind of person (through Christ, not my efforts), so now I just accept him as he is: A work in progress. Just like I am. I have thought that I could do a better job than he does, but that thought is quickly removed from my mind when I think of what he deals with daily at work, etc. Plus, I figure if God thought I could do better he’d have made me a man.
Last thought, then we’re off to church…
I have decided to just continue to do as I see fit with my kids without the underlying tone of *Dad should be doing _______* and support my husband in front of my kids. The tone in our home has changed so much since I have become his helper/encourager/main squeeze, whatever, and the boys have watched their momma become a more understanding person. All the wanting in the world wasn’t changing him anyway and I needed to change, too. The arguments were not helping the issue and making it really bad for my kids (nice way to show Christian love, huh? I know and I have repented:)
BTW, my husband has an incredibly strong personality (ready to fight at a moments notice), and the Lord has changed him (still is) so I have so much hope for our future. Even if we never have what I think we should have (which is???) I just hope that I continue to seek change for myself and the Lord continues to work on me:)
I hope I encouraged, not sure, but I did want you to know that you are not alone in this area of life/marriage:)
I’ve gone back and forth as to whether I should throw my 2 cents in or not….here goes….
I grew up in a home where my father was not the spiritual leader. I am the oldest of 7. My mom made sure we prayed at meals and every night she read some scriptures to us and had family prayer. She got all 7 of us dressed for church and sat with us while we weren’t the most reverent. We all bless her name this day for her diligence and faith.
Most of us struggled in our teen years and some fell away from the church for extended periods. Two of my siblings struggled with severe drug and alcohol addictions and one brother has been in and out of jail. Of the 7 of us, only 1 has not come back to the fold. I, we, all credit my mother.
My dad never objected to her doing this. He encouraged it most of the time. He told us to be quiet and listen while she read. He told us we had to go to church even if he didn’t. Our lives would have been much easier had he been a bigger part of our spiritual lives, but he chose not to. He still doesn’t.
If my mom had backed off and let him “lead” the family, it never would have happened. I shudder to think where we would all be had we been raised without a church or commandments to guide us. My husband grew up in similar circumstances, where his mother was often the only spiritual leader. He is now a devoted father who works incredibly hard to be what his father was not.
Now, I’m not trying to tell you what to do. You will know what to do with the help of the Lord. I just wanted to give my thoughts from a side that hasn’t been mentioned yet, that of the kids.
Blessings,
Heather
Wow, Heather!! You have told another part of my story as well.
My mom was our spiritual leader, she led me and my 2 sisters to the Lord. We struggled during our teen years, too, but we are all three married to men who love the Lord and are faithful to their families. I don’t know if you’d call any of them “spiritual leaders,” in the sense that Misty is referring to, but they are all committed to raising their children unlike we were raised. My husband and one of my br-in-laws in particular are nothing like their fathers were (and have made sure of not repeating that cycle) and they’re definitely not like my dad was. My dad was an absent father. No child support, no clothing, no food, and especially no spiritual guidance. It was my mom who took us to church faithfully, who read her Bible cover to cover (in front of us girls) and made sure we went to church camp, etc. She wasn’t perfect, had a lot to deal with, but gave us the best she had and that was her relationship with Christ. That fact has been the foundation on which we base our lives and it was through my mom’s efforts to see that it happened. Whenever I have the chance I thank her for all of the time she invested in our spiritual lives as kids:):)
I didn’t mean to hijack this thread with my own personal life, but like Heather, I wanted to share from another perspective. Now I have that great responsibility of leading my children to the Lord.
I am married to an unbeliever and have learned that, in regards to my husband being the spiritual leader of my home, it isn’t really my actions that matter as much as my thoughts. When I take the kids to church, teach them character training issues, conduct our daily Bible study, read devotionals with them, help lead their prayer life, and encourage scripture memoriztion without the assistance of my husband I have to be careful how I think. I used to consider myself as the obvious spiritual leader ~ after all I was doing everything and he didn’t even proclaim to know God! But, now I have learned that I can do all those things under the loving leadership of my devoted husband. Is he devoted to God? No, not now. But God has still deemed him the leader of my home regardless of his spirituality. I am careful to always be sure that the words spilling out of my mouth speak of my husband as our spiritual leader. My children know that God’s Word says daddy is the spiritual leader and now my words say the same thing. Even though their father never comes to church and never leads Bible readings and studies ~ they honestly would not hesitate to answer that their dad is the spiritual leader of our home. Interestingly enough, he will often use the very verses they have memorized in conversation with them. He’ll say things like, “Didn’t the verse you just memorized last week say that you shouldn’t stir up strife?…” We are not consistent in praying before meals because this has never been an established habit for any of us (I was not saved until my oldest child was about 1 year old) but when we do pray the kids and I ask Dad to pick who will pray and he gladly assigns someone to pray (he loves this because they see him as leading and he never has to worry about being picked
). So, maybe it isn’t all of the activity that needs changed in your home. Instead maybe you need to ponder and change your response to the original question asked of you. “Who is the spiritual leader of your home?” ~ May you have confindence in answering (and truely believe in your heart)…”My husband is the spiritual leader of our home.”Blessings,
Angie P. , mother of four beautiful blessings
This is a very difficult topic to discuss and even more difficult to write about because in writing, it is easy for the reader to read a statement in a way that the writer did not intend. I pray that I my comments will be useful in building up, minister grace and be without folly. My opinion matters little, it is God’s opinion that is important.
My father was also absent and my mother raised my 4 siblings and I on her own. She taught us about the Lord, brought us to church, and lived out a life surrendered to her Savior, but never took on leadership. God tells us that He will be Father to the fatherless – my mother took Him up on that offer!
I think we women sometimes get confused on what being the Spiriutal Leader or Leader of the home is and what is means to live out a godly life. We can teach our children about the amazing love of God our Father without assuming leadership. It is an attitude of the heart and thought life.
If our husbands are still around, it is my belief that we should do as Angie suggests and surrender that leadership to him – in whatever way our husbands see fit to lead and cover them in prayer. If the husband is not around, then that leadership should be surrendered to God. He states that He will be the Father to the fatherless and we can take Him up on that offer, as my mother did.
I have found nothing in Scripture that tells women that we are to take leadership upon ourselves just because our husbands will not lead or they aren’t around. Scripture does tell us that we are to live our lives in such a way that we will draw our husbands to the Lord. I believe our children will be drawn to that surrendered life also. I think the fear is that our children will go through a time of rebellion if we don’t assume leadership. But even that fear does not give us the right to assume leadership in our homes. It should bring us comfort to know that our children belong to God first and He loves them much, much more than we could ever possibly imagine and He wants a relationship with them!!
Angie, you are such a wonderful testimony to your husband and children for the Lord. I am sure it must be difficult for you at times. Thank you for your example!
To surrender leadership does not mean we sit back and do nothing. As Angie is doing, we can teach our children of the amazing love of our Savior, we can take them to church, attend Bible Studies, memorize Scripture, teach them to come to the Lord in prayer, etc. without assuming leadership. We can respect our husband’s God given right and responsibility to lead the family even if they are not doing what we think is the “right” way or even if they are not doing it at all.
Is it possible that God might be trying to teach us something through our unbelieving husbands or a husband that is not being the leader? It isn’t popular in this day and age for women to submit or surrender, but that is exactly what God tells us to do in Scripture. It is frightening and it hurts to let go of that security of leadership, but the sweet peace of surrender in the Lord is amazing. I know, because I have done it both ways. My husband does not lead the way I have thought a leader should lead, but Oh! what a wonderful leader he is! To honor God and my husband by being the helper I need to be – not the helper I want to be – has been difficult for me because I am what you would call a “strong personality.” Surrender has not come easy. God will give you peace (and may I add He will give you joy) as you submit to His way, as you teach your children of His love, and as you honor Him and your husband by not taking on leadership that doesn’t belong to you. As Christ Jesus surrendered to the Father’s will (“Not my will but Yours be done”) we need to surrender also. It takes more strength to surrender and submit than it does to take over leadership.
It is an attitude of the heart and mind more than the outside action. The actions may be the same (Bible Study, prayer, going to church, etc.) But the attitude is surrender. May God bless you as you continue to seek Him.
Blessings in Christ Jesus, Carrie
A wonderful resource on this topic is: http://www.truewoman.com/ and http://www.truewoman.com/?id=336#session_text
I thank you all for all the insight, wisdome and hard honest truth you have shared. And I wish to tell you what has happened here.
Yesterday my dh and I were taking the tops of the wild strawberries we had just come in from picking and I’m not even sure how or what was said but my 11 yr old son (who is always where ever we are) brought something up about our evening devotions/prayer time in a totaly laughing ha ha manner. My dh thought it all fun and games. But I used it to see where he thought it stood and for me to try and get out of it. My dh told me he loves to hear my voice it’s very soothing and that’s why he falls asleep sometimes, that I am a better prayer than he is and some other funny things (my dh is a joker). So I said thank you and guess what I want to make you that same way dear all sweet and inocent. So I told him I’m on strike from evening time. Either he can do it or we’ll just not do it and take a break. He laughed and said ok.
Now I wasn’t exactly sure what would happen at night but my children said to dad, hey are you going to do it or what? (I want to point out this is all in fun and they thought this a funny thing that mom is on “strike”). So dad said ok, but I only read one card a night (our devotions) and he did and they listened so very intently. Then he did a very quick, short and to the point prayer. WE put the little ones to bed went about our night and then the bigger ones went down. AFter all said and tucked in I told him what a blessing it was to have him lead prayer and how it was so nice for me to have a break and the kids to hear him. I told him his prayer was perfect and he didn’t leave a thing out. He smiled and said thanks.
Now what will happen tonight? I don’t know.. but mom’s still on strike! I will continue to encourage him when he does it and when he wants to skip I will not frown, be glum, or the other I will just know that tomorrow might be a better night for him.
Just wanted to share how God used my son to break this ice and me to see where it will lead. And with my dh this is always the best way to approach things. Blessings and thanks again for all the thoughts, openness and love. Misty
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