Thinking of putting the kiddo in school- advice/support welcomed

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  • ReneeS
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    I have homeschooled my oldest, now 7, for three years now. Kindergarten year went great she was progressing very well. 1st grade and 1st/2nd she has been falling behind. Honestly it has been such a frustrating year or two that I am considering packing it in and sending her to private school. She is not progressing, if anything she has gone backwards because she refuses to practice her reading and writing. When I read anything and ask her for a narration she barely responds back. For our family it has been a rough few months, we had a death of a very pivotal person in my family die, and my marriage is in a rough spot right now. The death greatly affected myself and my little one, 4 yrs. My husband has told me I am in charge of schooling and thats pretty much the end of the conversation with him.

    For me, there is no reset time, no time to get ready again. There is no support and no one to truly talk to about the situation in my life. I do not have friends, my family has all passed and the only family I have is my husbands and when I talk to them about HS-ing they just go on about how “great it is your doing this!” and “no one could teach them better,” and so on. I am overwhelmed, sad and unfortunately upset a lot 🙁 and as I told my husband I have lost me, I feel selfish saying it, like I am a mom and I should be content with educating my children, cleaning constantly and serving the household but here I am saying I want time to do something that brings joy to me (Ugh, that feels so selfish to me, is this right? should I not Want to do things I like?). With lack of support and people to help give myself a break or my husband and I a bit of time together, I have really started to wear out as a person. I typically just fake my way through the day and bedtime can never come soon enough.

    My child is intense every moment of the day, it is suffocating how much of a fight literally every hour or even minute can be. I enjoy teaching the CM way and what we cover, I find it has so much value, but when the child is not taking any of it in and is defiant on purpose about school and home life, why continue?

    I can’t tell if I need a different curriculum that is literally a step by step tells me what exactly to do.

    Or if I need a break from this child?

    Does she needs to have more structure and accountability gained in a classroom.

    She often complains of not having kids older than her sister to play with even though we do HS group, library activities, activities in town, and gymnastics.

    I’m ready to walk away from HS completely, the thought of time with just my 4 year old is appealing (rarely does this time ever happen), time not being in a constant fight sounds amazing, possibly having a moment to do something I enjoy for an hour a day during rest time is tempting. I feel selfish thinking these things, thinking I need a break from my child, that I need time with my youngest, that I want to do something just for me. Again I have no one to bounce this off of so I don’t know if what I am thinking is out of line

    I apologize for the length, but if you have read through I appreciate it and I appreciate any mamas out there with advice, support or that can share their experience.

     

     

    Amanda
    Participant

    It sounds like you need a break!  I would just put school aside for a while and focus on reconnecting with your children.  Read some character books together, do fun crafts, take field trips.  It sounds like you have had a hard year already and there is no sense in pushing school when it is just making it harder.

    When my father-in-law suddenly passed away 2 years ago, we took almost a whole month off just to allow us to process our grief and loss.  The kids and I both needed that time and they were learning what it meant to support each other as a family.  I think we as mothers put so much pressure on ourselves to do everything “right” and the truth is that there is no “right”. Your children are young and taking a month or two break won’t hurt them at all!  If anything, it might allow you to recharge and feel more like yourself again!  Hugs and prayers to you!

    totheskydear
    Participant

    We were just in this boat a couple months ago. We didn’t do any formal school for about 2 months. Just focused on lots of unstructured nature time, walks, art, and crafts. It helped a LOT.

    Wings2fly
    Participant

    You have support and encouragement here.  I read through your post and can’t type much right now.  But I would like to know more about your 7 yo child, your schedules, and more specifically what books and things you are using in your homeschool now.  What is working, if anything?  I agree that age 7 is still quite young and taking a break can really help.  Do you have any state requirements you must meet that we can help you get accomplished in a more enjoyable way?  More thoughts on this later, but you will be in my prayers.

    ReneeS
    Participant

    Thanks for your encouragement ladies! I knew I this was a safe place to let out what has been going on, I appreciate it so much.

    State requirements- Im in Idaho, so we must teach what would be taught in schools at that level (math, reading, writing, art, geography, history, and so on)

    My DD 7 is bouncing off the walls most days, it takes an act of God to get her outside even if I am out there. She is intense and every right or wrong is like she feels it through her entire body and comes out boldly. She is often cruel, mean to just be mean, mainly to her little sister (4), she often comes across as very controlling of play, cleaning up, or other activities. If she asks for something whether nicely or rudely/aggressively and we happen to say no because a no is warranted (no you may not have candy, you just woke up, maybe later this afternoon) then we as a family “pay” for it with complete melt-downs, screaming, stomping, clinched fists, things thrown, and the little one possibly getting hurt if we can’t get her out of the way in time 🙁 On the other hand she can be completely caring and give her sister her valued belongings because she thought it might make the little one happy and might enjoy playing with it. She can be very helpful with chores around the house, even though she fights tooth and nail to do her own. Her goal is to be a pastry chef, she loves to cook and bake.

    Schedule-Weekday-

    up by 8, dressed and fed by 9, few light chores from 9-9:30, school 9:30-11/11:30, 12-1 lunch, rest time 1-1:45ish sometimes a bit longer not much though, 2-4 free play (can play, go outside, etc) 4-4:15 quick clean up before dad gets home. Past 4:30 is not scheduled out sometimes my husband wants us to run an errand with him or the girls go spend time with him while he is fixing something. 6:30 Dinner, 7-7:30 Bedtime chores (HUGE battle overnight!!),7:30-7:45 stories, prayers, 7:45-8 book time,  8 lights out….my 7 year old comes out about every 20 minutes until around 10:30 says she can’t turn her brain off, this is incredibly tiring for me, usually turns into an enormous fight.

    Weekly outings schedule-

    Monday- Gymnastics, both girls in same class from 5:30-6:30, makes for a late night eating and getting to bed (last night it was 9:30)

    Tuesday- Library, usually about 2 hours, typically we do school a little earlier and abbreviated on library day, or we go in the afternoon after rest time.

    Wednesday-Try my best for us to stay home (might run errands try to do all in one day)

    Thursday- Grocery shopping day, typically after school and we eat lunch sooner then leave right after

    Friday- Try our best to stay home

    Saturday and Sunday there is no schedule, we go do stuff my husband would like and couldn’t during the week, go out for dinner or a lunch, but for the most part theres nothing to set a watch by except dinner and bed time.

    Curriculum wise- Mainly what is recommended here for the first grade level. We use All About Reading and Right Start on top of what is generally suggested for the 1st grade items in art, history, geography, Bible, and so on.

    She loves hearing the Bible read to her although she can’t narrate back what I just read. She likes math, hates reading the reader books we have or anything else in life for that matter, but she enjoys AAR program. She enjoys the map drills and artist study.

    Since last Thanksgiving we did a very light year because I was on the verge of depression. So I feel like taking a break has already been done, but I still feel overwhelmed with the fighting against me from DD7  and can’t even think of ideas for a break time like artsy crafts besides buying an actual kit at Michaels or something. She has been the center of a lot of my husband and my arguments, she has even pitted us against each other a few times on purpose and we figured it out afterwards. With each day it seems as though she is becoming more manipulative, defiant, controlling, and angry and less happy, sharing, caring, kind and loving.

    I guess sending her to school is the hope of a breather and not having that fight from morning to night, having time with DD4 to teach her basics that I taught the older but can’t now because the older is so distracting and overwhelming. It’s the idea of getting to miss her and who she really is (not this angry person who has to control everything) and the excitement to see her again at the end of the school day. It’s the hope of her being stimulated enough that she is thinking about what she is learning and working on things that interest her rather than being cruel to her sister, which causes them to fight and then me to come in a referee and everyone being upset, it’s almost like she gets joy out of the family being upset because of what her actions/words have done to another (the control issue). The time she isn’t trying to cause a fight or upset in the home is when she is getting her way or when she is watching tv, which I do my best to limit (I play the radio a lot to have background but not visual, plus she dances to it through the day).

    Renee Gould
    Participant

    Renee (My name is Renee:-)

    First of all, I am sorry if I repeat anyone else.  I have not read through the other comments.

    When I read your post, first of all (((HUGS!!!))), I felt all sorts of feelings. One of which was, “I have been there!” So, just know you are not alone in your quest for balancing it all and taking care of yourself too.

    With a death in the family and a marriage that is going through a rough spot, I think the things you are feeling are quite normal.  I also feel that children feed off of our energy.  If we are tired, hormonal, grieving, stressed etc… they react in negative ways.  I believe this is because when we are not ‘put together’ as a parent, things kind of fall apart.  If they know we are not genuinely ‘into’ teaching them, loving them,  and connecting with them well, they will act out.  I don’t know about you, but when I am tired, stressed, or need me time; I am short, irritable, less communicative with them, try to rush through lessons etc….  Every time, and I mean every time, I am this way the wheels fall off in terms of attitude, whining, complaining and generally not progressing as you call it.

    With all that said, I think if you don’t find a way to regenerate as a person, things will not get better.  Having no family, a marriage that is suffering, no friends, and no me time; is a sure fire way to burn out quick!

    Obviously, say lots of prayers and ask God where he wants you to start.  These types of things can not be fixed overnight.  In stead of sending your child to private school and hanging up home school altogether; what about an enrichment program once/twice a week?  I decided to send mine to one, so they could get a different energy once in a while.  (They never really get a break from me. I am the sole person that is with them.  No Grandpas, Grandmas, cousins, etc.. Their dad works 24/7 putting together our new business and I get burned out too!)  I don’t know if your area has any of these, but ours has many to choose from.  Maybe  having one day for you and your 4 year old, would re-energize you?

    Regarding your marriage; I would get into counseling as soon as you can.  The longer you let marriage stay stuck, the worse it will get.  If you don’t have a good counselor, maybe your pastor?  Try and get some much needed communication time; however that works for you.   A rough marriage definitely makes for rough parenting.  When my husband and I are ‘off’, I am definitely not as attentive to my children and less patient.  You might not even notice you are doing this, but I am sensing this child knows you are completely zapped of your energy.

    Bottom line, I think you need to take care of you, whatever that looks like.  Counseling for your marriage, alone time for yourself, and generally good life practices.  ALL of us have these times.  I, personally, hate to see someone throw in the towel with home schooling.  I do believe it is best for the child.  However, maybe there are times in life where that is the answer.  Only you know this.  But, I think you should try to put things in place to help you see more clearly before you make the decision.  There is always a way to make things better; you just have to pray and listen!!!

    I will pray for you!  Just know you are not alone.  This home school journey is NOT for the faint of heart!  It is a tough road to be all things in a household.  And especially when there isn’t a support system in place!  I will pray for God’s provision during this rough season!

    Blessings!

    Renee

     

     

    totheskydear
    Participant

    Your daughter sounds exactly like my son, emotionally!  Where in Idaho are you?  We’re in Boise.

    sarah2106
    Participant

    While I am a BIG homeschooling advocate, i also know it is not for every family, and even sometimes not “right” for a point in time. What is the school option? I am not a fan of public, but also know they can be very different. My brother is in a small towm and his kids have just handful of kids in each class, teachers are able to customize classes… it is not traditional public school and really no homework. Others, like our area are a bit tough with overcrowding and a lot of homework (hard on the kids when exhausted to do homework) 🙁 we are fortunate that in our area we do have a few private school options though.

    Wings2fly
    Participant

    For now, let’s talk more about the basics: food and sleep.

    Your schedule lists meals at 8:30, 12:00 and 6:30.  This seems like a long time to go between meals, especially between lunch and dinner.  Some children’s behavior is affected by their blood sugar levels.  You could try offering 2 to 3 healthy snacks between meals or at bedtime, which include a protein food.  But don’t offer a snack too close to a meal time where they may not be hungry for the meal.  A snack can be 150 to 300 calories.  We eat smoothies, fruit, cheese, granola, etc.  Are meal times consistent each day?  Do you eat meals together at the table?  Are there table rules they must follow?  Is the kitchen/food off limits between eating times?  Does she eat well at mealtimes?

    My first thought is that your older child no longer needs as much sleep as your younger child.  If the 7 yo is not tired at 8:00, it will be harder for her to get to sleep.  Do you play any music or an audiobook to help her get to sleep after you leave the room?  Does she need a nightlight?  How does she do with the late night on Monday nights?

    I will read through your posts again and think on it some more, while keeping you in my prayers.

    Claire
    Participant

    Everyone needs a break!

    My humble advice is just that mine and may or may not speak to your situation but with hope that it might help …

    First, I get perspective.  It helps to stop, breathe and think “Is what I am going through, feeling, etc. the very worst thing that could be happening?”  It seems kind of negative but it’s the way I reset myself a little and get my situation in perspective.  I usually then start listing the basics that I’m not dealing with – we are all safe, we are all healthy, we have a roof over our heads, we have enough to eat, we have all our basic needs met – then I can sort of see where I am with things.  Yes, things are really rough but they are not the worst that they could be and I can overcome this.  Thinking this way gets me more optimistic and gets me motivated.

    I know that I have learned the hard way that even we are “off” or going through difficult times this is THE most important time to keep ritual and routine aka control of things in the home.  I have been in low spots and wanted to simply throw in the towel on my daily chores and routines and patterns around the house.  What a mistake!  That atmosphere of a well oiled machine (home) makes all the difference in terms of my kids feeling like the world is understandable, ok, normal, doable.  That predictable routine of all that is “home” helps us all realize we can cope and we can make it through anything.  It seems to keep us focused on what’s important – our relationships, our love for one another, etc.  For me there are a few things I really have to do daily and all day in order to keep this going …

    1. Keep the house neat (not perfect)
    2. Make meals (even if they are very simple aka big fat baked potatoes!)
    3. Eat supper together at a table/on a picnic blanket/on the patio (here time of evening doesn’t even matter, just the act itself)

    I agree totally on putting aside formal lessons and instead reading and reconnecting.  Without that connection, homeschooling is very much like dry toast!  Once the joy and love is re-confirmed then the lessons can trickle back in to the days.  It will almost happen naturally.

    I’m so glad you popped on and shared.  This is a smart group of women.  HTH.

    Renee
    Participant

    Renee #3 here! 😉

    I have skimmed the other replies, but am looking at a different route to consider – what is your daughter’s diet like? I have a more challenging child, and her moods greatly change depending on what she eats. The Feingold Diet has been helpful, but she is also VERY sensitive to tomatoes – within 30 minutes of eating anything with them, she is in a rage. Took a while to pinpoint it, but once we did things were far more manageable. I used to use a LOT of tomatoes, b/c at one point she couldn’t have dairy so I did more acidic based sauces and things. She has a number of other food allergies and sensitivities that pop up on allergy tests (she used to be deathly allergic to a number of things, but has thankfully outgrown many of them!), but tomatoes were one we had to figure out ourselves…

    totheskydear
    Participant

    And a Jessica Renee here.  😉

    retrofam
    Participant

    I second the advice about diet and blood sugar.  Start with adding healthy snacks, and looking for problem foods. Sugar and corn syrup are big for my dd. I find that whichever food a person craves most they tend to be allergic too, or have problems with.  For example milk.

    A wise homeschool mom told me years ago when I was struggling with my son who was difficult that if I sent him to school,  his behavioral issues would still be there and the times he was home would still be difficult,  maybe worse if school was stressful for him.

    Homeschooling would provide more time to work on his issues. We stuck with homeschool. It was NOT easy, but worth every minute.  He is grown now, and we have a good relationship. Look at your own diet too. Food allergies affect moods greatly.

    You can do this!  You already have a schedule in place and good curricula choices.

    For bedtime battles, maybe she can be allowed to look at picture books or kid cookbooks at night to wind down.  I don’t know.  It would be great if she could find ways to unwind in her room without coming out. At least she is being honest that she needs help winding down right now.  She is young.

    My dd8 does well when I give her choices as much as possible in all areas of life. Controlling personalities are leaders and/or fearful of being hurt or not getting their needs met, so they control. She doesn’t enjoy being mean,  but she likes control and attention.

    Praying,

    C

    Claire
    Participant

    Sorry, I don’t think I was helpful at all.  I sounded a little different on post than in my head.  I was trying to suggest ways I cope that calm our home so that the issues we’re facing don’t overwhelm us.  Kind of a regroup, circle the wagons approach.  But I don’t think that’s what your describing.  I think I read too many posts at once and got them combined in my mind before I replied here in this one!  I’m obviously not expressing myself too well on the topic anyway?!  I’m such a doofus.  Looks like others were waaay more on topic and had great advice.  Just wanted to apologize.

    mrsmccardell
    Participant

    I have a very high-energy, intense dd10 as well.  We’ve done dietary, lists, charts, etc and sometimes the unwanted behaviors are still there regardless of what I do.  The biggest thing I’ve learned is to ask ‘why’ is this happening.  Sometimes I ask her or I ask myself to see if there is a trigger.  Have you asked her why she can’t narrate back?  Are you reading too much at a time, is your book a good choice, did you start with something short like Aesop’s? If you just started narration at age 6 please consider that it’s only been a year and that it takes time.  Can she draw her narration?  Hang it up, celebrate it…or celebrate what she is doing well.  This can help you get out of the rut.  Can she narrate a recipe to you?  Think outside the box.

    Is she truly defiant on purpose?  Some kids have no other way of communicating their struggles/needs/wants and so they act out.  Could she be communicating to you?

    I’ve considered sending my dd to school but then I’d have to try and figure out why she is behaving like she is and I’m not present to see why.

    Why doesn’t she like going outside?  Find the why.

    Can you treat her activities as privileges?  Explain to her that she has responsibilities in the house, which includes school, and when they are not accomplished (with realistic expectations for her age and maturity level) then she can’t have the privilege of gymnastics…or similar.

    I referee my kids all the time bc of this one dd.  I try to look at it as teaching moments rather than a negative.  There’s always one in a classroom too.  She sounds immature so you kind of need to meet her where she is.  She may be 7 (which is young already) and acting like a 5yo in some areas of development.  Find her strengths and use them to work with you rather than against you.

    Bedtime struggles are real here too and I’m not going to answer that one bc it stinks and we’ve not found a solution yet!

    I hope this comes across with love and compassion.

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