I have a 14 year old son who is lackadaisical about everything! I am pulling together some projects for him to do around the house, however, money is tight and I must be creative as to what I have him do. My younger DS11 and 10 and beginning to follow suit. It is so discouraging. The absence of their father is becoming obvious. I have enrolled us in counseling beginning next month, hopefully this helps me.
Any suggestions on how to get my house back in somewhat “smooth and easy days”?MelissaParticipant
My oldest is a 14yo son and after him are two boys, 11 and 9. I wish you guys could come over and play and we could get to the bottom of things together! 🙂
Are you a Christian? Biblical (nouthetic) counseling would be a great option as the boys would be sure to hear the gospel.
If it were me struggling I would try to streamline the academics as much as possible in order to focus on character issues. Go to a park, play games, teach them how to cook a simple dinner. Pray for a male role model to come into their lives.MonicaParticipant
I have a 14YO son, too. In my experience, your concerns about him are not unique. I hear similar stories from many of my friends who have sons that age. For his own part, my son spent two hours today writing an analysis of the political climate in our country (something that he is interested in but was not assigned) and about 1 hour on the rest of his school work, and he completely skipped his Latin assignment for today.
It’s such a tough balance – expecting greatness, and yet understanding that this is a phase that many boys to through.
Prayers for you!KerriParticipant
I have a boy 16 year old and a 13 year old boy. Something that I have found very helpful is physical activity – A lot of it 🙂 My boys play sports, but I also have them do some of the “manly” chores around the house. When I sense a poor attitude I try to have them go out a shoot hoops for maybe 10-15 min to see if that will adjust the attitude. If not 🙂 then I resort to pushups for not getting done what they need or “forgetting” school work etc.
They are pretty strong now 😉Melanie32Participant
Teen boys can be hard for a momma to homeschool. They really need a firm hand and it’s often hard for a woman to be the rock that a teen boy needs her to be.
That’s my advice-be tough! They need clear rules with firm consequences. Lay it out for them and hold them to it. That’s what they are looking for-that’s how a man would handle them. I wish I would have realized this when my son was just beginning the teen years. It would have solved so many issues. 🙂
Boys need to know that we mean business or they will try to rule the roost.
I second the recommendation for physical activity! Boys need to get out and sweat every day to work out some of their aggression and energy so that they can focus on school work.TristanParticipant
I have to admit that with 9 children you would think I would have experience with teen boys and I don’t – yet. My only teen is a girl so far and the oldest boy is turning 12 this year. However when we’re through we’ll have had 7 teen boys, with one point where 5 boys are teens at the same time. I forsee a lot of cooking and a host of physical work in our future. LOL.
So here is my totally untested advice, which is subject to change as my boys officially become teens. 😉
Teens want to be recognized and treated as adults. Give them responsibility. Talk with them about what a ‘man’ is. This definition may vary but possibly could include a responsible male who can be trusted to do what he says he will do, who has the physical strength and the strength of character to work hard at all he does, to reach out and help others, to choose the harder right over the easier wrong, to lead, to fix what needs fixing, the gentleness to cuddle and comfort a baby or young child and the skills to feed, clothe, and house himself and ultimately a wife and children. Give them a vision of the future. What work do they want to explore? What skills do they need to know?
And give them a healthy challenge in the physical arenas, something to work at and a goal to work toward on a daily basis.
Melissa – yes I am a Christian 😉 And I wish we lived close by too!! I’m in PA, right near Hersheypark! The biggest complaint my 14 DS says is that he doesn’t have any friends his age that have similar interests. We live in the country so now no neighbors and our church is about 35 minutes away so all his church friends are far away too and all of them are in PS.
jawgee – it IS such a tough balance! I tend to lean towards the gentle, merciful side and that IS NOT working. I am going to have to ask God to give me the strength and wisdom to know when to be gentle and when to be TOUGH 🙂
Kerri – my boys are VERY active! We do have a basketball hoop outside but our driveway (really a long lane) is stone and so they have a hard time bouncing the ball 🙁 Also, we live on about 2 acres or slightly more of land and so there is a lot of outdoor work to be done. This week we have begun our spring cleaning outside. My DD who is 8 works harder than any of the boys. It distresses my heart to see the “ladies” working like slaves and the boys just slacking off and not feeling the least bit convicted in their hearts??? They did a better job yesterday than the day before and I let them know I saw a difference in their work!
Melanie32 – a firm hand is SO hard for me to do!! I have such a desire to do that but my “guilty mom” syndrome kicks in. I’m haven’t quit pinpointed why I battle this. Somehow I feel like it is my fault that they do not have their father in their lives. Now, in reality I know that his walking out on us is not my fault, however, I still battle this.
Tristan – your advice is always well received, whether you have teen boys yet or not 😉
To be honest, I sometimes wish I had a “supernanny” come to my house and set me n the right path! I have gotten myself in a pit and cannot seem to climb out of it 🙁 . My heart is for my children and doing what is best! Now, if I could only live that out day to day!! I am truly in this alone, I have no support system. I do have my bible study group, but we all know how busy family is and I don’t want to impose on them. I am in need of some type of break from children and I believe they need a break from me too. I just don’t see that happening. My oldest DS has decided to remain at college for the summer (I am very encouraging to him) so I won’t even have him for help.
Ladies, I really am a strong and positive person, I just can’t seem to get a handle on this HS teen and preteen boy thing and I allow it to bring me down tremendously. I can’t thank you enough for taking time to give me words of advice and encouragement! Thanking God for you!
Have you ever read John Rosemond’s <u>Parenting by the Book</u>? I read it years ago and found it very helpful. I recently started reading his book, <u>Teen-Proofing</u>, which I am discussing with a friend over the phone who is also reading it. John Rosemond’s biological father was not in his life growing up. His mother was single but eventually married. I appreciate his take on raising children from a biblical perspective in a culture that is very child-centered. He takes you back to the way that our grandparents and great-grandparents reared children before we all started reading books and doing what people with letters after their names told us to do. He is wonderful for removing Mom Guilt and addressing why we feel that way in this society. The psychological/psychiatric community does not like him, as you might imagine.
We are in the Cincinnati area. Hershey, PA sounds like a fun field trip. 🙂
Thanks Melissa! I am going to have to look into that book!!MistyParticipant
I have had one boy who is now 17 almost 18 go through it, he was a physical boy – both in needing it and in acting out in that form. I now think what I breeze he was compared to my now 16 yr old who is verbal. His sassy mouth, this very selfish attitude and I can’t tell you how many times I have been on my knees asking God how to deal with this child of his. If he isn’t then the 14 yr old is making up for it; it seems I can’t get away from it.
I agree with everyone on one level or another. With boys being firm and then sticking to it even if it means going to another room and crying because you had to do it (oh that just got personal sorry) LOL. It’s also so very important to keep bringing up that you want them to be a “XXXX type of guy, man, dad, friend”. Giving them lots of examples.
Don’t forget they want to be adults and we to them just seem like we are in their way of life. So when we can step back, watch and sometime let them fail on their own. Do it and then be there to help them understand and get back on their feet. No pointing fingers just leading and helping them. As I always say I’m not their friend (hopefully one day when they are parents) but I have learned a lot along the path of life and I have many things I can help them though or completely navigate around.
Never forget they are still children to us, and just like we look to Jesus for his love, acceptance and patience they need that from us as they are growing and learning to understand that love that comes from above. They still need, although they might not think they do, complements, hugs (if they’ll let you), high fives, pats on the shoulder and more I love you’s than you have ever given them. Remember how easy it was at 1, 3 and 5 to say I love you. Why do so many forget that at 15, 17 and 26 (and on) there is nothing more precious than hearing your parent tell you those 3 simple words, or smiling and saying how proud they are of you. I still live for those moments.
My boys are 17, 16, 14, 12, 9 and I have 2 girls 7 & 5. I tell them daily I love them and they know I am great at spontaneous hugs. I try and look for opportunities to say thank you to them and what a great job they did on something be it holding a door, or picking something up off the floor.
Teens are tough but they are just trying to be young adults. Give them room and show them that no matter what you are there and I know God will continue to let love grow between parent and child.
I was a teen once and I never forget all I did right and wrong. I feel I turned out pretty good despite it all. So, now I must trust that as I try and raise Godly children for his kingdom he will guide me in my instructions and them in their ability to learn from me and others.
Good luck, parenting isn’t always easy, but those good day, those happy moments….. boy are they amazing, wonderful and so full of love.
Misty – thank you for all those encouraging words! You sure do have a lot of boys!!! You must know what you are talking about 😉4myboysParticipant
I soo hear you! I have a 15 year old who can be very rude, lazy and selfish. My soon to be 12 year old is ADHD, and struggles with inconsistent effort but at least has a sweeter disposition (so far) even though he is very flighty. My husband is seldom around — he works odd shifts and is often out of town, so I am usually on my own to deal with it all and it’s not easy. My eldest has elected to go to the public high school next year and there is part of me that now feels quite relieved. His attitude has somewhat contributed to the last two years being very in-effective in terms of our homeschooling. I also work part-time outside the home (mornings Mon-Fri) and the expectations of my position have increased over the last year and a half, and that will remain the case until we hire a new youth pastor, which hopefully will happen in the near future, Lord willing. The combination has left me feeling frustrated and burned out. I am hoping he will understand just how far he has let himself get behind by not putting forth effort in his work, and perhaps a change of venue and a desire to prove that he can succeed in the PS will help motivate him. I think sometimes we just need to let them fall on their faces and see what they do about it. we can’t bail them out of every mess they get into, they need to learn to pick themselves up and figure out how to make wiser choices. I fully expect that we have a few more tense years ahead. Still, every now and then I get a glimpse of maturity shining through. He can be downright helpful and pleasant when he chooses to be.
In short, no advice, just a note to reassure you that you are not alone.
4my4boys – Our stories sound very similar! I have contemplated sending him to PS next year, however, I have not had a peace about it and don’t feel led by God to do so. I suppose my motive behind wanting him to go is selfish on my behalf, to have more peace at home with my other 3DC. I’ve had to ask myself, “have I done everything I could to better things in my home” and the answer is no 🙁 . I am taking in all the advise on here and going to devising a plan. We will make it!!! 🙂 🙂ClaireParticipant
I was just being sort of silly and googling “how to raise a teenage boy” when I gave up (lol) and popped over here to SCM. What a great thread this is and I gleaned so much from all of you. I’m so glad you have so many boys!!! Keep talking everyone. I sense we’re going to need to support one another as we go through these years. 😉
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