sister 7 & 10 arguing all the time

Boys and girls can be so different, but so can personalities.  I have 2 girls (age 14 and almost 10) in the mix with the 7 boys.  There is no one right answer but here are things that come to mind:

– For the mother hen – is she telling her sister what to do and what not to do?  Is she hovering over younger sister?  What specific things are bugging the younger sister that big sister is doing?  Those are the things to address because they are causing friction.  Be specific.  “You don’t need to tell your sister to pick up her toys.  That isn’t your job.”  And an accompanying consequence if you need one could be, “Now YOU need to pick up her toys nicely and put them away for her instead.”

Ultimately we tell our kids “You need to focus on YOU choosing the right.  You do what is right and don’t worry about what everyone else is choosing to do or not do.  The only exception is if the person is in danger of being hurt or hurting someone else.”(ex: if the 2 year old is climbing on the counter to get to the knife block please speak up, if he’s in the lower cabinet getting out all the plastic mixing bowls don’t worry about it).  “If they are choosing not to obey something mommy or daddy have asked them to do/not do then WE will handle it.  Not you.”

– For the sassy/mouthy younger one – we generally don’t accept this behavior in any situation.  However, one thing I had to notice was if they were seeing sassy/sarcastic/mouthy responses modeled anywhere else (like in my own response, I used to get a bit sarcastic when asked the same thing over and over and over…).  So once the modeling of incorrect responses was eliminated we were able to really focus on detailing and practicing correct responses.  And example, we literally stop the child and say, “That was not the kind way to speak to your sister.  Please try it again.”  In the beginning we had to show the child what a better response was, even exaggerating our tone of voice to really overplay the wrong way, so they could hear it, then modeling the right way to say something.

Another thing we often say is you can disagree without being disagreeable.  It is okay not to agree with someone, and to let them know you do not agree, but it doesn’t need to be done in a rude, mean, sassy, or angry way.  Again, a lot of times kids need you to show them exactly what to say and how to say it.  Forming a new habit is hard work!