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really frustrated with 14 yo DD
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Maybe some of you more experienced moms might have some words of wisdom for me. I am so frustrated with my 14 YO. She is the oldest of 6 but she is basically no help at all. She is SO slow. She sleeps later in the morning than the rest of my kids, which is ok because we don’t start breakfast til 8:30 or 8:45, but she is rarely ready for it. All she needs to do in the morning before breakfast is to get dressed and brush her hair, scoop out the cat’s litter and feed him, and do one 10 minute chore. If she’s moving relatively quickly she can do all this in 30 minutes or less. Most days it takes her an hour or longer. I think she gets distracted frequently and just generally dawdles, and then dawdles some more. Getting her out of bed is also a struggle. She has her lights turned out by 10, and her tablet is blocked at night so she’s not staying up using that, but she just does not want to get up in the morning. She has an alarm set for 7:45 on her tablet, and another at 7:50, but most days she simply does not get up. “Oh I thought you said you were getting me up so I was waiting for you.” “Oh I got up and picked up the cat and lay back down and fell asleep again.” Or any number of similar excuses. I do NOT think there is anything physically wrong or that she is overly tired (she doesn’t act tired during the day), she is basically lazy as far as I can tell. I see this in so many aspects of her life, that she does not possess any of what was called “mental toughness” when I was a kid. She would rather give up than work hard, push through something, try to solve a problem, etc in all areas of life. She has almost no self-motivation. She actually ends up doing less work than her 11 & 8 yo brothers because she moves so slowly (and less work than she was doing 2 or 3 years ago). She has always been a slow mover but seems to have gotten worse in this department as she gets older. She is no help at all with her 1 & 3 yo brothers. It is very frustrating to have an oldest child in a large family who is not helpful.
Schoolwork is another challenge. I spend most of the day in “on” mode trying to make sure she finishes everything. She does not have an unreasonable amount of schoolwork nor anything that is terribly difficult or hugely time consuming for her. She is just slow, and tends to stall on anything she particularly dislikes (science, spelling, writing).
I just do not know how to motivate this child. I’ve tried telling her she can’t have breakfast until her morning stuff is done. She just rushes around to finish everything and eats after everyone else. I’ve told her she can’t go back in her bedroom or have her tablet til all her schoolwork is done. It is not working for her to be on a different schedule than everyone else because she’s moving slowly and not getting things done in the time frame they need to be done in, no matter how much I extend the time frame. I don’t have the mental energy to have to stay on top of her every second of the day. I have tried being patient, problem solving, making adjustments, and I am just done dealing with this.
She is probably mildly dyslexic but we have done reading and spelling remediation (and my 3 other school age children are all dyslexic, all more severely than her, so I have plenty of experience with dyslexia) and made accomodations in her schoolwork. She would likely qualify for an ADHD diagnosis, and if it were up to me she would be on meds but DH will never agree to them. I have two other kids who would also likely qualify for ADHD diagnoses (she is the mildest of the bunch) so again, I have lots of experience dealing with it.
What else should I be doing with this child?
Have you sought out help or ideas concerning executive function disorder. The last couple years there has been a speaker at out homeschool conference and she specializes in executive function disorders. I remember a lot of what she talked about was teaching them put things in order to complete tasks and how for some it is not natural and it does not make sense. Their brain truly does not think or process in sequence so they have to be taught how to do it. I have a good friend and as an adult she realized she struggles with this, and this speaker was so helpful even for her.
The lady I heard was Tara Roehl http://www.speechykeenslp.com and I know she does her sessions online, video conference calls and things like that so she has clients across the country. It might be a place to get some more practical advice to help your daughter find ways to help her succeed. It could be a heart issue of lazy or just not caring, or it could be that she truly does not understand how to improve.
I have a friend and when her oldest was young she would never clean up her toys fully, she would do part and then stop. Her daughter would always say “mom it is done…” when she started teaching her daughter to read she realized she was having a hard time tracking words on the page. They took her to a vision specalist. Her daughter had something with her vision where she could see out, but when looking down (at the floor or book on her lap) She could not see clearly at all. So years of tears and what her mom was thought was disobedience for not completing tasks, was truly out of her control. She could not see clearly but had no idea. Intensive visual therapy and her vision was so much better. It just reminds me that sometimes there are things going on, but our kids become so used to it as “normal” they don’t even know there is a problem, or how to fix it.
Teens certainly add a new dimension to any existing bad habits or personality differences from childhood. A few quick thoughts, none may be helpful, but I am simply brainstorming possibilities:
– Remove all screens from the household. Especially any personal devices. After an adjustment period everyone’s brain will be different – in many ways. It also removes a distraction from the environment. (Note – We do have and use screens at my house, and we have removed them before too. Remember, I’m just brainstorming ideas here. You never know what will help.)
– Treat her like an adult. “You want to get up and go to bed on your own schedule? Awesome. If you happen to be awake and ready when I’m making meals, you can eat with us. If not, feed yourself from these specific options (ex: oatmeal, sandwich, fruit, veggies). When you want to go anywhere out of the house, be sure you have all your ‘work’ done (chores, school assignments), because if you don’t I won’t be taking you anywhere. When you want clean clothes, wash them. If you choose not to do homeschool assignments you will have two options: fail school and get a full time job to pay for your rent here, or head out that door nice and early each day to go to public school.” You get the idea. And she is old enough to be left at home when you go places with everyone else.
– Remove distractions where you can. Make a spot for her to work that is empty of stuff, windows, etc and stick noise cancelling headphones on her head. Sit her at a table/desk/lap desk with her work all gathered in a bin, a list of assignments, and walk away. Her job is to stay there until she’s finished her work, while you and the rest of the family move on with your day and school work. You don’t stay with her. She is 14. She can read, write, and figure things out. Offer office hours – you can consult with her between ___PM and ___PM each day if she has questions about an assignment. Make sure office hours are no more than 1 hour long.
– Send her to public school. If you can’t/don’t want to figure it out or deal with it, and you are required by law to have her receiving an education at this age, then enroll her. Let her fail. She is the one who will have to do the work or not. You can’t do it for her. And she will learn hard lessons down the road because of it.
– Ask her what she plans to do for employment. Have her list what skills she will need, what things she will need to study/learn/do. Then have her get to work on those things.
– Have her take the GED test, and be done with school. If she fails it, she goes to public school until she passes it, as she won’t do school work at home with you.
– Accept that YOU are the mother to this large family and it is YOUR responsibility to take care of the children and their needs, not hers. She did not have those kids, you did. She is not responsible to help feed, clothe, diaper, entertain, change, clean, etc those children or the food, clothing, and spaces for those children. Stop expecting her to do your job. (And please, remember that I am a mom of a very large family with 10 children. I know whereof I speak. I also recognize the Christian perspective of helping and serving others, but she has to choose to help and serve, not you choose for her. That is not serving, it is enslaving.) HOWEVER, this goes both ways. If she is not cleaning up after herself, you are within your rights to pick up and throw out what she leaves out. (Give her an assigned space to keep her things, obviously.) Don’t do things for her like cooking, cleaning up her things, or washing her clothing. She is old enough to do those things herself, and so you let her, while you go back and take care of the other children in your home who are younger and not able to care for themselves.
– Give her a written checklist, laminated, on a lanyard. She wears it and can refer to it as needed to figure out what she should be doing.
There are so many possibilities. You are the only one who knows what you are comfortable doing.
I’m going to read through these suggestions. In the meantime, though, I wanted to commiserate. What you wrote is almost word-for-word my son, who just turned 14. He has been a real challenge this year.
I think 2/3 of it is the age.
You know your daughter and situation best. If buckling down will be best or counseling, therapy or something else would be best.
Sometimes we need “tools” to help us improve and sometimes a dose of “reality”. That said my friend who as an adult recognizes that executive functioning skills were lacking as a child for her, and still not a strong, has expressed how holding down a job or being reliable was really hard because no one helped her learn “tools” to help her improve, they just applied natural consequences with out love (and that might be the big thing, natural consequences with the right heart attitude is different) and she really had a hard time in school, with friends, trying to hold down a job… As an adult she has learned tools to help her accomplish tasks and become reliable and it has helped so much. Tools she wished someone would have tried to teach her when young tools to help and not just talk badly about her because she really didn’t know how to help it as a young person.
I think the heart is a big part of this, or any lazy or disciplin issue and only you know what is going on with her and what would help her and your family.
My 12 year old son is exactly how you described your daughter. He is ADHD. I have had him tested a couple of times. I have tried him on about 10 different medicines but the side effects of the medication aren’t worth it. I cut out tv during the week and any fun computer during the week but I am on the verge of pulling my hair out. I can’t seem to get him moving to get anything done. I don’t have great advice but I do empathize with you.
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