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- This topic has 13 replies, 12 voices, and was last updated 11 years, 9 months ago by
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We started habit training about a year ago. At first it went really well, but then we got stuck on the habit of order. I got so frustrated that I gave up for months, but now I really want to try again. I have three kids, ages 12, 8, and 4. The 12yo is doing OK. With a few reminders, he is picking up after himself more and more. However, I am not getting anywhere with the other two.
I really think if my 8yo were in school, she would be diagnosed with ADHD. Here is an example of the kind of thing that happens here all day, every day: The other day she took the step ladder outside to do something and then left it there. I told her to take it inside and put it back where it belongs in the laundry room. She put it right inside the front door. I told her again. She put it in the kitchen. I told her again. She put it in the wrong place in the laundry room. I told her again. She put it where it belongs. It’s like she can’t stay focused on what she’s doing long enough to finish.
She is very creative and imaginative, and she’s always got some complicated, messy project going. This means that all day long I find glue, scissors, the stapler, tape, paper, etc. all over the house. I’m contantly saying, “Who got out the glue? Please come put it away.” Her little brother is following in her footsteps, and they make huge messes together.
I have thought of having a system where I pick things up that they leave out and they have to earn them back doing extra chores. But a lot of the time it’s not their toys. They sweep and leave the broom out. They use my stapler and leave it out. They spill cottage cheese all over the floor and leave it. All day long I am either cleaning up their messes, or I’m nagging, and it’s not working. How do I teach them this habit without nagging all day long?
When I’m consistent, what has worked with my kids is if they don’t put something away or in the garbage they have to walk it to the correct spot ‘their age.’ So, if 12yo leaves out a piece of garbage, has to walk it to the garbage 12 times, etc. I don’t think there’s any excuse for garbage being left out…that should be done right away.
What gets tricky is when it’s something they’re coming back to later. During the school year, after school and before they have free time they are supposed to do a clean-up of everything they’ve gotten out and take it to it’s spot. Hope you get some results soon, I know it can be stressful!! Blessings, Gina
I LOVE that idea, momto2blessings, going to try it.
Amee, I know this takes more time, but I wonder if it would help if you after you give an instruction, lik “put the ladder away where it belongs” just quietly observe her complete the task and check right away to be sure it is done properly. I know that helps with my younger ones. Sometimes I get so busy, I am barking orders and I don’t check to see if they are actually following through until later in the day when I find things in the wrong place or that they never even tried to put them away. Maybe if you try that for a short time it will pay off in the long run.
we always take our shoes off before we enter the house and put them in our shoe basket. they were taking their shoes off but just throwing them in the floor where they would be tripped over. I started waiting to be the last one to go in. If I saw they didn’t put their shoes in the basket I made them come back and fix it. They finally started doing it correctly because they figured out its faster to do it correctly the first time ; )
I think a habit of slothfulness is easy to gain and hard to break. What I mean by that is you’ve let her get away with it for so long by giving her the ‘excuse’ that she’s ADHD and now it will be hard to break YOURSELF of the low expectations you’re enforcing. I’m saying this in a love, so please hear it that way! I have a daydreamer among my 7 children and her head doesn’t come down to earth very long either. I’ve had to do some deliberate, focused work with her on habits like putting things away. She’s 6 now and doing better. A few things that helped this child of mine:
– Get her attention. Those eyes must be looking at yours. This also means no giving her a task while you walk through the room or past her. You must stop, go to her, and get her attention first, before you begin giving instructions.
– Keep directions short and explicit. “Emma, Put the ladder on the hook”.
– Require the child to acknowledge your directions “Yes, Ma’am. Put the ladder on the hook.”. This shows they actually heard what you said.
– Immediate action. As soon as they respond they drop what they are doing and go. Follow her silently. If she gets off track kindly and calmly start the process over with getting her attention. Repeat as necessary.
Yes, you have to be right there involved in the beginning. That’s the only way to repair the habit. We’ve progressed to where I can give my daydreamer a list of 2-3 things and she will 95% accomplish them. It took a lot of effort and patience but was worth it.
I think tristan is on to something though I do think one of ours has ADHD. But I think Tristan gives great advice here. I love mom2twoblessings “times your age” idea as well.
One thing our 9YO son struggles with on putting things back is his clothes. I have 4 sons and the clothes just mount. I reasoned a few months ago aloud one day to myself: “They wear the same clothes over and over. Why do they have 20 t-shirts???”
One reason is clothes are gifted to us by very generous neighbors and a family member. These are nice and like new clothes. It is a HUGE blessing. I guess since we get so many and theya re given to us and we do have 4 boys to go through, I have a hard time myself going through and passing on what we don’t need.
We have generously sized closets as well in the boys’ rooms (2 boys in each room). But you know, the rods don’t need to be full. So, anyway, I went through with each son and we really culled the clothes. I figure if our youngest son has nothing but worn-out clothes to wear, well these will still work just fine for most days and we can get some nicer things for church (or chances are someone will offer clothes to us when he needs them anyway as I have to turn down clothes b/c of the 2 neighbors and my sister giving us more than plenty).
My 9YO told me, “Mom, this was SO FREEING. THANK YOU for helping me to get rid of so many of these clothes. I felt overwhelmed trying to keep them all organized.” And he has genuinely done a better job of putting away his clothes.
Our 3 older boys do their own laundry, even the 9YO with my help as needed, and now that he has so many fewer clothes, he does so much better with it.
My point with all of that is on the comment you made on the craft stuff. Could you somehow have a set-up for her for craft items? I made a really cute caddy out of Folger’s coffee cans (used 4 of the medium size ones) and a piece of scrap wood. DH rounded the edges for me and put a clear coat on it, then he screwed the 4 cans on it and voila … my 7YO son and 6YO daughter carry this everywhere! They rarely if ever leave out colored pencils, scissors, glue sticks or crayons anymore. They are all in this caddy and the crayon one I made out of mini metal buckets I found in the Target Dollar aisle on clearnace. We take it camping, in the car on long trips, to the beach … and it has all they need. And it cost me nothing to make.
I downloaded a pic to my box acct. I think you can see it there. The nice thing is that it gives them clear expectations of where to put away and it travels all over the house, to the table, outside our house as I said above .. well it might help with the arts and crafts dilemma!
Here’s the link: https://www.box.com/s/6a9013b20b1301b20b85
Tristan – that is great advice!
My dd is like that sometimes and for her, it does help to 100% get her attention and then also to say “DD, put your shoes in the shoe basket. Not next to the shoe basket, but actually inside the shoe basket. Do that right now honey.”
Oh, and along with what LDIMom said, have a place for everything so everyone can easily put it away. Less stress that way.
Tristan’s advice is right on the money and Likely the only way to break this pattern. My only addition comes from a dear friend who has raised 4 o her 5 to adulthood. She told me, when my 1st was born, “never give an instruction that you cannot make sure is carried out. It is better to not have something done than your word ignored.” that has stuck with me and thus I follow tristan’s advice on things like this.
ETA: some children who would never be out right rebellious will do so by ‘almost’ obeying or following the direction. It’s sneaky rebellion. I’m not saying that’s the case for you, but it does happen.
LIDIMOM, loving your organizational tools!
Tristan, thank you for sharing the advice about looking them in the eye. That is what works best with my son, however I’m not always consistent with it. Isn’t that what it often boils down to??…. parents being consistent. I am reading CM Volume 2 (the modern paraphrase version), and the part about parents’ duties really has me evaluating my own parenting skills.
Thanks for your advice. Yes, she is more likely to follow through on instructions if I make her look at me and repeat the instructions back to me. I haven’t been consistent anough with that, though, so it’s good to be reminded.
With chores I don’t have as much trouble since I started writing a list for each kid on a dry erase board. She comes back to the list after each thing and crosses it off, and she gets the whole list done with little or no reminding from me.
The biggest problem is just the random mess-making throughout the day. We do have a place for everything, and she knows where everything goes. But every time I walk into a room, there is something (or many things) left out. The scissors, books, dirty dishes, food, clothes…It’s not that I expect the house to be perfect all the time, it’s just that if everyone leaves things out, before long it’s filthy chaos. If I say, “Whoever left out the tape, come put it away,” they will come do it and usually put it in the right place. But then I am nagging all day. How do I get them to consistently put things away without nagging? Maybe I will try the “times your age” idea. It seems like that would be irritating enough to make them want to just put it away once next time!
@LDIMom, are those metal sheets (baking sheets, maybe?) behind the caddies with the date clipped on? Did you make that, too? And are the little wire mesh baskets held on by magnets?
That whole setup looks great!
The metal hanging deal is actually a thing I picked up at Joanns years ago. It is meant to hang vertical and has the days of the week stamped on each metal piece. I have it hanging with the backs showing and horizontal. I got it on the 75% off shelf. It was one of their Christmas gifts. I knew it was a steal b/c metal is so expensive.
You could buy sheet metal at home improvement and have it cut. It would need to be sanded on edges. Or watch for this at joanna. I have seen similar ones since. It was originally $10 so I got a deal on it! Only wish I had bought more. It will even fit on a doorway hanging on the door frame vertically. Each piece must be about 6 inches by 8 or so? I’m not home right now. We are traveling.
The baskets do have a magnetic strip on the back. I bought them in a set online I think. They are very strog magnets.
I do love using things I’d throw away, which is how I came up with the coffee can caddy. If you used it for smaller items you could even keep the lids. I had originally planned to do that and was going to have DH drill a hole thru lid and can to keep it attached when off.
I did save the lids. They are perfect for paint trays! Wash off easily or throw away if not time to clean. They don’t leak through like a paper plate does, plus can use several so colors don’t get mixed for those of mine who don’t like mixing paint before applying!
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