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Mealtime and Manners
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I know as a mom I’m not supposed to feel this way, but I might as well get it out: I HATE MEAL TIME! My children, ds5 and dd4, are horrible at the table. They play with each other, with themselves, with their food and drinks. My daughter has recently started blowing bubbles in her cup and gargling what she puts in her mouth. My son likes to pretend his hands are spiders, and “crawls” them all over the table. It doesn’t matter what I do, they still have horrible manners. I realize they are young, but they seemed to have better manners when they were 2 and 3 than they do now. And I have the privilege of doing it 3x a day! Ugh.
I have threatened to take away their food, to spank them, to send them away from the table. And I have followed through on all those threats, but they’re still at it just as much. What I don’t understand is how they can do so wonderfully during school–sitting still, listening very well, the ds reading by himself all the time–but when it’s time to put food on the table, they’re just so disagreeable. Many times, it will take us an hour or so to get through lunch because of how they play instead of eat.
This has weighed heavily on me and my dh for a really long time because we want our mealtimes to be something we all enjoy together, especially our evening meal. I’ve been reading CM’s original writings about character development and habit formation, and I can’t seem to secure for myself instant obedience from them. If they finally obey and actually eat instead of playing, it’s after several warnings, threats, a spanking or two; it’s never obedience the first time they’re told. Obviously it’s a bad habit because it’s every meal, I just can’t seem to figure out a way to break it. Please help if you can with practical suggestions. (I say practical because I feel like I’m the only one who can’t practically apply CM’s teachings on habit formation and obedience!)
Blessings,
Lindsey
I have 6 children 11 down to 7months. We sit at the table. I will tell you what I see. From what you stated above you have tried warnings etc. Oviously they see right through you. I am sorry I am not trying to be negitive. What I would do is be consitant and NO warnings, in our house it is or it isn’t.
Here’s an example we were running around yesterday and ended up getting BK for dinner. My 3 year old was handed a 4 piece chicken nugget. He looked at and whined. My dh took it back and said than you will not eat. We set it up front. He asked with please and thank you a few minutes later in a nice voice. But we made a decision. Yes my son went without dinner and his was passed out to his brothers. Was it hard, yes, but was it necessary YES. He needs to know what he is given is what he gets take it or leave it. The bubbles in the cup thing has been happening and the same thing applies. He does it and it’s gone, no talking about it, no warnings. He got it after 2 meals of loosing his cup.
Mean what you say and only say what you mean. That is a big thing for me in this house. If I’m not going to stand behind what I say than I might as well not say anything. And guess what he will be fine till morning wtihout dinner. That’s just my 2 cents. I hope this is encouraging and not the opposite. Cause that’s not what I want. Good luck and just be consitant.
Blessings
Misty
Misty, that is great, thank you. I have no problem being consistent in every other area but this one. Your comments weren’t negative. I needed to hear that. Part of me feels guilty when I take food away because I don’t want them to go hungry even though I know they’ll be fine until the next meal. When I do take away food/drink, I meet such a fit! The crying/whining is the part I can’t stand the most.
I have no problem taking away food when they complain or say they don’t like something. I tell them, “This is what’s for dinner. You can eat it or you can go hungry.” My ds will even say, “I wanna go hungry.” So, I let him. It’s just that they play, but after an hour, they eventually end up eating…only after I’ve made a million threats. You’re right. I do need to stop threatening and start acting. I guess if they throw a fit, I’ll just send them away from the table?
Another thing you can do is to set a realistic time limit. Rather than using a timer (which isn’t really conducive to a pleasant meal time
), you can let them know ahead of time what you expect. Be brief, specific, and pleasant. Something like, “I want our meal times to be pleasant, so I expect you to eat nicely what is given to you. When Mommy is done eating, lunch time will be over and we will clear the table.” Then follow through. It took a while for me to realize that I didn’t have to feel trapped by a circumstance. I’m the Mommy and I can set the rules to change things. So eat your lunch in a relaxed manner, then pray together to thank God for the food you just ate, and that’s that. Lunch is over. Clear the table. They’ll catch on quickly if you’re consistent.
I don’t know that I have anything riveting to add, but I agree with Misty – we have seen exactly what she mentioned be needed and effective in our household as well. Right now I have two 2 year olds and a 4 year old and mealtime can get very noisy and boisterous at times. A couple of weeks ago I lost my voice for an entire week and it was actually a blessing – I had to just DO since I could not speak and it helped me realize that actions do speak louder than words and also that the amount of words I was using on a daily basis weren’t really necessary. It helped me revamp. I did find that with me talking less and not raising the volume it helped them to calm down. It was actually funny because I could only whisper and they would whisper back – I considered keeping the act up even when my voice came back! One thing we say a lot around here is that slow obedience is no obedience. It helps the kids as well as the parents remember to deal with it the first time and not habituate ourselves to multiple warnings. We’ve had to make some tough decisions like Misty mentioned at mealtime but they seem to have a big impact and quicker effect than just repeated verbal correction. Yes they’ve been hungry a few times but hunger is a good motivator (of course within reason and just one meal is usually all it takes). Another thing we’ve done with our older son if he is being continually disruptive is make him eat in another room – he really misses the fellowship of the family and seems to want to get it together the next time around. Hang in there though – it can seem so daunting when you are in the throws of it. You can handle the practical side of it, it just always seems like it is easier for everyone else. Pray for discernment and step back for a minute and try to think of how to change gears. My husband and I have to constantly remind ourselves that the Lord is extremely patient with us in our sanctification and that we need to be patient with our children as well especially since they lack maturity. Maybe switch up the mealtime routine a bit and have some nice music playing while they eat and encourage them to listen to that, eat a meal outside, possibly read to them while they eat – maybe a slight change would help them get their minds off of the bad habits they are forming (and replace them with calmer ones). I have found from time to time if I eat at a different time than the kids it helps me keep better tabs on them while they eat – I don’t want to do this all the time but occasionally it helps. I hope things get better.
Lesley
I echo what othersa have already said.
Once the kids get to the age of yours, I expect politness at the table. I never force my kids to eat something they dislike, and they are not to make faces, noises, complaints if there is something on the table they don’t want. If they fuss or act wild, they have to leave “until they are ready to come back and behave nicely.” And this can’t be a threat – they really do have to leave if they can’t be polite.
I tell them ahead of time that when they complain and goof off at the table, it’s very rude to me. I make nice food for them with love and with my time, and they need to accept it in the same kindness with which it is served. Also, at dinner especially, when DH is present after being gone from the family all day, it’s an easy gift the kids can give to him by behaving and helping make dinner fun for everyone.
While you are preparing lunch, perhaps the kids can have some free time to get the wiggles out. When lunch is ready, have them wash up, pause before the table for deep breaths to calm down, tell them “now we’re eating our meal together and everyone will cooperate.”
Perhaps to break the habit, you could do something for yourself to remind yourself that keeping a peaceful table is worth the effort – new candles as a centerpiece, nice music to play while preparing the food? Something simple that brings you joy and helps set the tone you want to achieve.
Lindsey,
Are your dc getting plenty of active, run around outside time to burn off energy? If they aren’t, then that might be part of your problem right there. Going straight from sit-down learning time to meal time without a break to excercise may very well be the source of all that playfulness perhaps? Habit training is sometimes a slow process, but if you can eliminate some of the simple factors then it might give your dc a chance to succeed, just some thoughts! In any case, I would caution everyone who commented here regarding the use of food as either a punishment or a reward. Food is Food.
Rachel
Thank you all for your practical suggestions and encouragement. Sonya, I really like your idea of the meal being over when I’m done eating. I think I’ll try that in just a few minutes! Lesley, I wouldn’t mind the disruptive child eating in another room, except my usual disruptive one is the ds4–who typically makes a huge mess at every meal. I do like your “slow obedience is no obedience” slogan, however. Very helpful, and I think even the ds4 could understand that one! I would definitely enjoy playing soft music during preparation and eating time; maybe that would distract them from playing.
Esby-I’ve used the “Daddy is home; let’s be nice and polite at the table” before, and it doesn’t seem to work. Sometimes they’re actually worse when DH is home! The kids always have playtime while I’m preparing a meal. Always. It’s the only way I can keep them from under my feet. Although they do love to sit on the counters while I make a meal, and they love to “stir” and “pour” and “help.”
Rachel, they have not had much outside time lately because it’s been very hot here in Texas. I have considered allowing them to play early in the morning and starting school at a later time, but they are both extremely allergic to mosquitoes, who seem to be out and about in the early morning and late evenings. I can’t wait for cooler weather and our first freeze!
You all have shown me that, although I really thought I was consistent about mealtime discipline, I really am not. It’s such a fine line to walk when you don’t want to use food as a punishment or a reward that it’s hard to discern which you’re really doing. Please keep the advice and encouragement coming. With all this great advice, I feel like I actually have some “ammo in my gun” (for lack of a better analogy). Bless you all!
Lindsey,
I hear ya about the Texas heat (we’re sweltering in San Antonio)! We do most of our outside play time in the morning or evening for the same reason and do our sit down learning time during the hottest part of the day. I think we actually had our first day this week where the temp wasn’t in the triple digits, a hopeful sign of cooler weather to come!
Rachel
), you can let them know ahead of time what you expect. Be brief, specific, and pleasant. Something like, “I want our meal times to be pleasant, so I expect you to eat nicely what is given to you. When Mommy is done eating, lunch time will be over and we will clear the table.” Then follow through. 
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