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Help for Shy Child
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Okay ladies, here’s a question for you…
My 5 year old daughter can be VERY shy at times, but only in certain circumstances. She is fine when we are at home, and always very open and friendly with people of all ages who come to our house. She enjoys playing with other kids (both at our house, and when she goes to others’ houses) and does fine even in organized group situations, such as Sunday School. However, if we meet people in other places – say we pass them while we are out walking or meet them in a store, even someone she knows well, she freezes up, refuses to speak to them, and sometimes even runs away. When she was a bit younger I sort of chalked it up to immaturity, but it’s not getting any better as she gets older and now is really bordering on downright rudeness. I don’t want to let this sort of behavior get any further ingrained into her, but at the same time don’t want to embarrass or shame her. I actually had similar sorts of problems as a child, and a very similar personality to hers, and so know from experience that I tread a very delicate line in urging her to right behavior and kindness to others without shaming or embarrasing her. (I was shamed and embarrassed in these kinds of situations as a child, and it really only made it worse.) Any ideas, ladies?
Thanks much!
I have two who have gone through a shy stage and both started getting over at it at 5. They are both still quiet in new or unknown situations, but I understand what you are saying that it starts to feel like they are being rude even though we know they are not. I am sure others will have more ideas, but one thing I feel has worked very well for both girls was to talk very specifically about what was going to happen before we got there. This is still very important to my 8 year old. For example, before going to a restaurant, we go over what they want to eat, what the waitress will say to them, how they need to make eye contact and speak in her direction loud enough so she hears, etc. This is all in a fun, non pressure kind of way, really casual. When we get there, we let them try and if they freeze up or start to panic, we give them an encouraging word and nudge or hold their hand but if that doesn’t help, we step right in and order so they know they can do it when they are ready. We have done this for the library, check out at the store, etc. One of my daughters especially just needs to feel prepared and know that mom or dad are there to help if she forgets something. You are totally right in wanting to find a balance b/w encouraging and not being pushy and practicing in the car on the way there has been a big help for us.
I totally agree with lgeurink about how helpful it is to prep the child in advance about what to expect in various situations. Giving her some idea of what to say in the situations is also really helpful.
You might mention that it makes other people feel awkward or snubbed when someone doesn’t talk to them. That helped my kids when they were shy to talk to neighbors we ran into during the day. I told them it makes the NEIGHBORS feel good to greet and chat with them. The kids don’t need to say much, but they should be able to say hello and look a person in the face.
(At my son’s martial arts class, the teachers insist the kids look at people when they talk, and I really notice how poised the children look when they talk to each other and to the teachers. That one little skill really is impressive.)
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