Going to lose my mind

Betsy, my first piece of advice would be to remember that you can’t fix everything at once.  If you are anything like me, you want to do everything NOW and then get discouraged because you can’t.   Make a list of a few things that you need to work on.  Prioritize the list and start with number one.  Don’t move on to number two until you feel confident with number one.  Yes, it will take a long time and a lot of effort, but think about where you will be in six months versus where you will be if you do nothing.  Number one thing to work on, in my opinion, they need to sleep in their beds so that you can get some downtime to unwind and be by yourself.  I adore my children, but I MUST have an hour of quiet every afternoon when no one is speaking to me.  And at night, after 8:30 they are in bed and that’s when I unwind and think.  If I am tense and stressed, the whole house is tense and stressed.  Know what I mean?  You need to get to a place where you and your children can enjoy each other.   I know this situation is really hard.  My parents were divorced and my mom worked full time and took care of us.  We went to school, but I know it was still a lot of work for her, especially with no help from my dad.  I wish I could offer you more help.  If there is some specific piece of child training that you need help with, perhaps someone here can give you more specific advice.    And I totally agree with Tristan about the 6 year old’s school, BTW.  There is so little “schooling” that they really need at that age.  

Besty, I am sorry things are so hard right now. I agree with pslivey – I think it would help to work first on getting more sleep. Remember being a mother of a newborn and how constant sleep deprivation made everything worse? There’s something about not getting enough sleep that magnifes everything in almost everyone! I imagine your girls are probably not sleeping real well either. I have yet to encounter a person who is not negativly affected by lack of sleep, (some might be able to tolerate lack of sleep better than others, but I think it still hurts them). I’m not trying to make light of your suituation at all. There’s nothing worse than asking for help and feeling like you’re misunderstood! I am not a single parent myself, so I can’t say I relate directly, but my parents divorced when I was in grade school.This might sound a bit odd, but I’m going to say it anyway. Tell your girls you love them. (While you know you do – and they know you do – there are times they need to hear it out loud. Frequently!) Sometimes children just don’t FEEL loved, even when they are. Especially when things are hard and they are hurting. If nothing else good happens today, let them know they are loved by God and by their mother. You could add in their grandparents or any other family members who care for you and your family. Try a verbal reminder of who loves and cherishes them daily. My parents did this with my siblings and I (for years actually). While their separation hurt, I knew they still loved me.

I’m going to go out on a limb and suggest something else, your relationship with your daughters is much more important than anything else. Especially right now. They may not remember what books they read, or the house being picked up or eating cereal for dinner (we did that yesterday) but they will remember YOU! Your relationship is important much more than school (Tristan’s suggestion in that area is excellent) and even more than habit training – here’s the limb I’m climbing onto… It is entirely possible to train a child to obey and end up with one is obdient and has a fine character to boot, but ultimaltey have an individual who has no desire for a realtionship with their parent or worse still a relationship with God. I guess where I’m going is that of course you shouldn’t allow them to misbehave, but at the same time guard your relationship so you have the abilty to train them effectivly so they are willing to recieve your guidence. It sounds like you already know what you want to do in this area, but need help carrying it out which of course would be ten times easier with more sleep, and less stress etc. etc. etc.)I hope that you get some more good suggestions from the other wonderful ladies on the forum. Summer is coming, so if you are not doing school year-round you could try focusing more on getting life back together. Habits, routines etc. Another thought is to find or start doing something together with your girls you all enjoy, those kinds of things, no matter what they are (books, cookie baking, camping etc) are relationship balm. Give yourself some time and grace and patience.

You can do it. Your family will make it. You are a good mother. They will be okay and so will you!

Betsy, I agree with the sleep issue morgrace mentioned.  A good night’s sleep makes a WORLD of difference.  When you put your girls to bed and tuck them in, try praising them for at least one thing they did well during the day.  This will help both you and them – you will *have* to focus on the good stuff, and they will feel like you notice them so the poor behavior will eventually become less and less necessary (use that loosely) for them to get attention.  In our house the praise time looks like this:  I tuck in and say, “A, I am very proud of how well you held your tongue today when you were angry with your sister.  You talked to her and worked it out in a very grown-up manner.  I’m proud of the choice you made.”  Your girls are younger, so perhaps your wording might be a bit different, but hopefully that gives you the idea of what I’m talking about.

Also, if they want to join you in your room, is there enough room in your bedroom to get one of those futon chairs – the ones that are all fabric and unfold to make a bed?  I have seen them at Walmart and other places from time to time, and had one when I was younger.  Anyway, they may come into your room to be close to you at the moment while they adjust, but they must sleep on the futon or cushions or whatever you ultimately can find to make a space for them.

Also, how about a bedtime water bottle for each child? There are some that have the sip feature that don’t spill.  The water bottles can sit next to them in their room, and if they need a drink, it’s right there.

And finally, if you can get a few minutes in the morning and evening by yourself to breathe deeply – before the girls wake and after bed, as well as get some sleep, you may feel like a whole different mommy. I know that you probably know that.  I don’t know if you are able to get up before them or not, but do try.  For instance, if they wake before 7:00 am, teach them to recognize the number 7 (cover the other #’s on a digital clock) and place it in their room.  If they are in your bed and wake when you do, tell them they need to go play quietly in their rooms until the number reaches 7.  If they do this without your constant intervention/ redirection, you should have a special treat for them on the mornings that they do as you have asked – like perhaps reading from a favorite book or reciting some of their favorite nursery rhymes and songs at breakfast.  Anything that will give them immediate feedback for desirable behavior.

And finally, though I can’t be there to help you, you and your daughters are in my prayers, Betsy. Early childhood rearing can be very draining upon occasion. It is even moreso when you are the sole provider for them. (((Betsy)))

May God bless the desires of your mommy heart,

~jacqleene

Fortunately, your oldest is still young enough so that a slower start with school won’t adversely affect her. I think it was the Moore’s (early proponents of home education) who recommended waiting until age 8 or so to really begin serious educational pursuits in most areas. At your daughter’s age, kids seem to discover so many wonderful things on their own or with very little guidance from parents.

I have been functioning as a single parent for 5.5 years now. (I say “functioning as” because my husband and I are still married, but we live apart and he has chosen to create another “family” by living with another woman.) We live with my 85-year old father, my middle child (ds 12) has mild autism–which makes for a lot of stress, aggressive behavior from him, sometimes destroying our things or walls, furniture, you name it–and all of the nonsense that goes along with not having a traditional, intact two-parent family. I feel for you. It is a lot of work and responsibility for one woman to bear.

I agree with previous posters that you need to prioritize, and I think getting them to sleep in their own beds at night is high on the list. You need your sleep, and so do they. I have watched SuperNanny (yeah, it was great to watch it and think, “Well, at least my kids don’t do THAT!” LOL!), and I recall her technique for getting them to stay in their own beds. I believe it started by telling them in a firm but pleasant and calm voice, “Tonight, you are sleeping in your own beds.” Then she had the mom go through their bedtime routine (story, prayers, etc.) put them in bed, turn out the lights, then go out of the room. When the kids got out of bed (even if the parents were in bed themselves), she said to them, “It’s bedtime, darling” and put them back in bed. The second time, she only says, “It’s bedtime” and puts them to bed again. Any further times out of bed, she puts them back without saying ANYTHING AT ALL.

I remember seeing shows where this took maybe 20+ trips back to bed and maybe 90 minutes or more…..but eventually, they fell asleep…..in their own beds. Exhausting? Oh, yes, indeed! But I would rather spend a couple of hours draining my reserves knowing that this will allow for many, many hours of necessary, blessed sleep in the future. And, of course, that bedtime scenario was probably challenged a few times down the road, but if it was met with the same determination as the first time, the kids will get the message. They’ll also get a better night’s sleep and a more relaxed, well-rested Mommy.

I find that the less time I spend thinking about the things I don’t have or that aren’t readily available (like time out with friends, husband support, everything running smoothly at once), the more joy I have over what is in my life right now. I cherish what I have, enjoying a good laugh with my children, sharing a good movie with them (who cares if it’s not at the theater but a dvd in the living room….who cares if it’s a children’s movie instead of the latest Hollywood box office hit?), even our simple nature walks in the park where we can all breathe in deeply the fresh air.

This is a tough time for you. I would also suggest that one good thing you can do for your entire family is to find a way to appropriately deal with your anger. It’s not a sin to feel angry, but the Bible tells us to be angry and do not sin (Ephesians 4:26-27), so we need to be careful how we act upon those angry feelings. For you, help may come through counseling, talking regularly to a friend who will hold you accountable for things, or maybe reading a good book that touches on these issues. If you can awaken joy within yourself through a period of healing, your children will notice and respond to it. Don’t be too hard on yourself; everyone makes mistakes (especially when under a lot of stress or lacking proper sleep), but you are still a terrific mom who loves her children dearly. Allow time for healing, work on what you can, and things will improve over time.

I’d like to say that after more than 5 years as a single parent, things are just peachy. A few things are still horrible, maybe something is even worse, but many things are at least on their way to better, and we’ve conquered enough to rejoice about. Most of all, I am still very sure that God has called me to homeschool my children, and that’s what I’ve been doing.

Blessings to you, I will pray for your situation.

I couldn’t read through all the posts so if I have mentioned the same thing please forgive. I understand completely what you are going through. I will keep you in my prayers because right now it a very difficult, emotional time. It willl get better but you must suffer through it and ask G-d for guidance daily, ok hourly, or by the minute! 🙂

  I have also had some similar problems with my son getting into things. He would change his clothes often. He would destroy a clean room in a matter of seconds I am talking “Ground Zero”.

  I know that if you can get the clothes in a locked cabinet that may help. Just let the princess have a few pretty dresses to change into for dress up. Then she won’t be trying to get into the cabinet. We put ours in the laundry room. I would only let them put their clothes on in the morning and at night. I had to put a lock on it at first until they realized it wasn’t for play.

  I also think if they get into food you may have to lock that up too. My son would get into anything with sugar and eat everything in site. This may not be your child but in case it is that would be another thing I would lock up.

   I would also have a lock installed on my bedroom door. If you have one use it. Tell the girls you will be locking it at night because you need a good night sleep. If they get up in the middle of the night Don’t let them in. Snore Louder if you have too. 😉 This way they will get the hint. If you let them in once they WILL come back and bug you until you let them in. Even if they are keeping you up all night Don’t open the door! I would suggest trying this technique on days where you can sleep in the next morning. Just in case they do keep you up all night. 😉

  As for schooling. If you think this is to much you may want to go to another curriculm before sending them to public school. I might suggest ACE Paces. I know this isn’t a the ideal thing and others may not agree with me but if it keeps you sane then maybe it is for you. Just incase you are having issues that you feel are to overwhelming. Know that you can always come back to it. We all go threw different changes threw out our lives. Only you know what you can handle. Look for ways to lighten your load and ask G-d for wisdom, patiences, and knowledge on every situation you run across. He promises you that he will give you if you just ask.

     Blessings! and I will keep you in my prayers……..

Betsy, how long are you “doing” each lesson with her?  Could she just be getting tired of having to work too long?  It does take time to get the habit of attention.  CM recommended very short lessons (about 15 min depending on the child) for the kids in the early grades.  When she starts that and you have been having good results until then, maybe that is her signal that she needs to do something else.  If you just stop when she does it and go to the next thing, it might avoid some of the scenes/behaviors you both need to avoid.  

I’m not much help on getting through your school situations.  I would love to hear others advice on that as well ’cause it seems we’re in the same boat daily!!

As for the sleep, my DD’s used to come and get in bed with us almost every night and I didn’t get any sleep.  I guess I wasn’t as nice as everyone else.  I didn’t set up a special bed for them.  I just told them that I couldn’t get any sleep if they were in my bed and Mommy needed her sleep too.  If they wanted to lay down with a blanket beside my bed they could do that.  I usually had an extra blanket on the end of the bed so they wouldn’t be cold.  If they didn’t want to, then I told them they could get back in their own bed.  After a while they quit waking me up and I’d get up in the morning to find them sleeping on the floor.  If I woke up during the night and found them on my floor I’d carry them back to their bed.  Eventually thay have started staying in their own beds.