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Forgetfulness?
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I have children who like to ask if they can do this or that after school, after lunch, after whatever…
I almost always tell them yes, but then the children and I both forget!
I’m not sure how to word my question, so I’ll give a couple of examples; then maybe you can tell me how to best handle this.
- My kids have had their rubber stamp kits out for the past several days. Dd5 asked if she could stamp after lunch, and I told her she could for a little bit, but then it would be lunch-time clean-up (what we call picking up the house midday) and rest time. Lunch ended, and it was her turn to clear the dishes and wipe off the table. She then scampered off and played in her room until I announced my usual, “Lunch Time Clean Up!” She ran out of her room, saying, “But I thought you said I could stamp after lunch?!” I said, “I did say you could stamp, but you went to your room and played.” She retorted, “But I wanted to stamp!” I said, “Well, I guess you forgot that you wanted to stamp because you went to your room to play instead.”
- The other day, we had to stop a movie the kids were watching because we needed to go to our weekly chiropractor appointment. Of course, they asked if they could continue the movie once we got home, to which I replied, “Sure”. (Midday movie-watching is a rarity in our house, but I was not feeling well at all that day.) When we arrived back at home after our appt., both kids went into ds’s room and began playing with the wooden train track. Several minutes later, I announced it was time to clean up and have a rest time, and both of them (almost yelling) said, “But you said we could finish our movie after we got home!” My first response was, “Excuse me? You may not speak to me that way.” And then I continued, “I did say you could finish your movie, but you began playing with the train track instead. How about finishing it after your rest time?”
I’m not really sure if this is a matter of forgetfulness on their part, mine, or both. Am I supposed to remind them to do what I already told them they could? Is their not being able to do what they got permission to do just a natural consequence of their own forgetfulness? If so, they don’t seem to be learning from it.
What is, in your opinions, the best way to go about handling this and/or breaking their or my own forgetfulness?
Blessings,
Lindsey
I would love to hear some suggestions on this also. We have the same exact problem in our house!
Blessings,
Carrie
I could have wrote that myself! The same thing happens here! I feel they should remember if they want to do it. However you could write it on a white board or something if you would like to help them remember. Then you could say to them you asked to do this right now or you can choose to do something else. Or write it on the “schedule” and them make them responsible for checking it?
“Is their not being able to do what they got permission to do just a natural consequence of their own forgetfulness? If so, they don’t seem to be learning from it.”
I do feel they should remember, but my children are the same as yours. They do not remember and even after having to skip it they don’t remember the next time. It just seems to spark frustration on thier part. I am open to suggestions as well!
I think we probably all have experience with that one! My one suggestion may seem over simplified. Since they are children, I think we do need to be careful in just letting them get the natural consequence. One thing that may be helpful, is when they ask to do a certain thing, to remind them that they are responsible to remember. Lay out what will happen if they forget. We all forget things, and I think we need to be gracious with our little ones. How often are others gracious towards us? Is there a way you can help them remember? If they have someplace to write things down? If they aren’t reading, perhaps a simple drawn picture to help them?
Like in vol 1 of CM’s book (I’m pretty sure it’s book 1), she talks about the little boy and the habit of shutting the door behind him. I think we need to see ourselves as having the responsibility of *helping* them to remember. Give them tools to be successful in it, instead of leaving them on their own. Does that make sense? Here is an example of what I mean: Let’s say the kids forget to finish watching the movie…Mom-
“Time to clean up”, Kids- “You said we could watch a movie!!” Mom- “I know you must be dissapointed! I’m sorry, but it’s too late, so you can’t watch it now. It is your resposibility to remember that. Is there a way we can think of together so you will remember next time?” That way, you are working on this problem together. Showing the kids it’s their job to remember. yet not just leaving them on their own for trial and error!
OR, do you think that it IS the job of the mother to direct them in their activities? With my family I would think that if I forgot, I can’t just lay the “blame” on my kids and say..too bad. (I’m not saying you’re doing this!) I don’t know…feel like I’m rambling! lol!
We obviously don’t want to instill bad habits, but in this case (with young kids) I don’t think it’s as easy as just letting them expereince the consequence if we are not working with them to solve the problem. If we were talking about teenagers, then I’d probably deal with it a bit differently…since their maturaty is more than a younger child.
Hope that helps some..without confusing you even more! 🙂 I’d love to hear what others think.Something I do to cope with forgetfulness is to use post-it notes. I post them in places I’m likely to see – such as the bathroom mirror, on my keychain, on the coffeepot, etc. Perhaps your kids could post a note on their bedroom door with that day’s special activity so they don’t forget their plans. (I do agree it is their responsibility to remember, not yours.)
Another habit to get into might be to ask each other after lunch, “What are you doing in your freetime today?” Everyone has a chance to share their plans and everyone understands that after freetime, the day moves on to other activities.
Just wanted to bump this up since several of us are experiencing this same challenge.
Esby, thank you for your post-it note suggestion. That’s a great idea for me personally.
I am especially curious to see if Sonya has a brilliant idea for us all… Sonya???
I wouldn’t call this brilliant, but I’m happy to share my $0.02 worth.
We don’t want our children to get into the habit of relying on Mom to be their memories (which is another form of nagging, I think). In this case they’re relying on us to remind them to do something fun, rather than something that takes effort; but in either case, Charlotte reminded us that “The more we are prodded the lazier we get” (Vol. 3, p. 40).
However, we must also remember that they are children and need our guidance to learn life lessons. So I wonder if we could do a combination of the great suggestions already given and see how that works. When Child is told that he may paint after lunch, we could add something like, “What can we do to help you remember when it’s time to paint?” We’re looking for Child to come up with the idea—maybe put a Post-it note on his door, maybe put a paintbrush on his bed, maybe tie a string around his finger, whatever. If Child is clueless, we might offer some suggestions the first couple of times this happens, but we want to soon wean ourselves away from prompting. Our goal is that Child will learn, step-by-step, how to remind himself of something that is important to him.
And when we are helping Child come up with his own prompt, we want to make sure he understands that we will help him put this plan in place, but he is the one responsible to carry it out. Then if he forgets and comes to us disappointed and partially accusing, we can sympathize that he forgot but not take any of the blame or responsibility ourselves.
Just some thoughts.
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