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ADD HELP ME PLEASE
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I am at my wits end. I am having the same problem as I did last year. My son cannot focus!!! I know some of it can’t be helped but I truly believe other things can. I keep the lessons as short as possible. He should be at 4th grade but we are doing 2nd grade level stuff mostly b/c he was behind from public school and is not ready to do 4th grade reading, grammar, math. He will not follow direction b/c he doesn’t hear me. I can very clearly give him directions. Let’s say, “I want you to do the even only.” I can circle the even for him and point out that I circled the even to help him and he will still do whatever problems he decides as if I never said a thing. That is just one example. I can explain to him how to do something oneday and the next day he acts like it’s never been done. He has five spelling words. One day I have him write the words only, the next day he writes a little story using the five words. I can say go and write your story using your words and he will go and start just writing the words. And, then I have to say……………that’s not what I told you to do……………and he says what was I supposed to do you said write the words????? I guess you get my point. So, assuming I can explain and re-explain to the point that he knows the directions, then I have to constantly tell him to do the work, b/c he will focus for maybe 30 secs and then daydream or play. It is so hard to get anything done and I can’t sit with him all day long and hold his hand. I dont’ mean that to sound bad. But, it’s like this……………………….my four year old sits at the table and can do more work than my son. (her level) I know she doesn’t have the learning problems that he does and I know it is hard for him. But it is so hard for me too!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Trying to be patient, keep lessons short and to the point, and being gentle for him, but at the same time making sure that he learns. I just told him to put on a shirt, 5 minutes later no shirt, so again go put on a shirt………………………and he says, “Wheres a shirt?” (in your dresser like always) I am trying to get the picture across of his attention level and now ask for any advice as to how I should approach this and what to expect out of it. In other words, what should I expect from him? If I have him to do ten math problems and it takes an hour do I have him sit for an hour till it’s done? It takes an hour not b/c he doesn’t know how, but b/c he doesnt want to and thus daydreams and plays and gets off task and then I have to keep saying do your work. Do I prove to him that the work is going to be done no matter what or do I stop him after 2 or 3 b/c it has taken 20 minutes for that? B/c how much practice can he get only doing 2 probs a day? I also don’t want to send the message that if he plays around long enough and stalls mom will let him out of his work.
Can’t help for the other stuff…. but for the math taking so long, here is what I’d do.
I would keep his math VERY short…. maybe 10 minutes (maybe even shorter) for now. I would have a reasonable amount of work to do in 10 minutes (say 2 or 3 problems depending on the problems???) – And then get him doing math. When the time is up, he is done math – but later on he has to finish the work he didn’t do. This works great if there is a schedule for your house, and say that between 3 and 3:30 he gets to play (or watch TV)…. so he knows that is what he would be doing…. but instead he is doing the work he didn’t do because he was daydreaming.
Once he can focus for 10 minutes of math, SLOWLY move it up to 15 minutes, then 20….. but only when he can focus that much.
That said, I don’t know much about the learning problems he seems to have…?
This has ended up being very long…..
I keep staring at this page, re-reading your post, and I long to be able to give you concrete advice that will work as expected, but I am somehow drawing a blank. I thoroughly agree with the very short lessons, but I also know how hard it is to see so little progress as time goes on.
My son has mild autism, and he, too, is working at a 2nd grade level in reading and math when, according to his age, he “should” be entering 5th grade. We have had serious battles regarding schoolwork. It’s different in many ways from your situation. Mine doesn’t daydream after 2 or 3 math problems; he would get increasingly agitated (and often frustrated by mistakes) and then he would scribble all over the page or tear up the worksheet. It is exhausting for me nonetheless. However, when I look back at having spent 1st and 2nd grade years trying desperately to get him to count past 20 (without combining 13 and 14 into one number, “firteen”), I can still recall the day, one week into 3rd grade, when he lined up a bunch of unifix cubes and began counting…..he spoke both 13 and 14, and he didn’t stop counting until he was well past 40…..only because he ran out of cubes! I was thrilled! I cling to those kind of moments when it seems like we’re moving backwards.
I also have a dd who is just 14 months younger than him. She is a patient table-sitter as well, and very good in math. Yet she is so compassionate that her brother never seems to realize that, though she is younger, she is ahead of him in many subjects. She would never let him even think about that, she is so kind and encouraging to him. I cling to that blessing as well.
My now 16yo stepson had behavioral issues in public school, and he was placed in special ed. Math was not his strong suit, and I thought he would never learn his math facts. He is not one to sit still for drills and practice, so my pastor’s wife (whose son faced similar difficulties) told me she drilled his math facts while they took walks. What I did for my stepson was to place a pile of flash cards at the far end of the dining room table while I washed dishes (sorry, no dishwasher!) in the adjoining kitchen. He had to pick up a card, run over to the kitchen sink and read the problem, giving the answer. We treated it like a game show. If the answer was correct, I would respond, “ding-ding-ding!” and he would run in to get a new card. If the answer was wrong, I would respond…..well, I can’t figure out how to spell it, but it was one of those sounds that means, “incorrect! incorrect!” Then he had to run back, put it on the bottom of the pile, and pick up a new card.
He thought this was hysterical, and he overdid the huffing and puffing as we went on. Later, we would tape a paper with basic operations (two-digit addition, subtraction with borrowing, whatever) onto the table with a pencil alongside. This time, we did a NASCAR thing: he waited at the sink while I recited the whole “Gentlemen, start your engines” thing, and when I said “go” he would run into the dining room, complete the first problem, then run back to me and tell me the answer. (I had the answers hidden nearby.) If things got too crazy or he needed a break, I would call a “Pit Stop!” and we made a big theatrical deal of breathing deeply, shaking it out, and then he “changed the tires & refueled” and got back into the race. I know, it sounds exhausting, but all of that action surprisingly enabled him to stay on task.
I don’t know if any of this will help you, but please know that you and your son are in my prayers. I know very well what it’s like to think, “I can’t do this!” and feel like nothing has been gained for a very long time. On the other hand, I also know the joy of finally!!! being able to say, “My son can read Frog and Toad all by himself!” after many, many months of hearing him sound out three-letter words and then say the wrong word. I have learned to measure progress over months and years, not days and weeks. The sum of my son is not the sum of his trials and errors; the sum of my son is the beautiful person he is.
HTH,
Sue M.
I’m sorry for the struggles you and your son are going through. I don’t have much wisdom to impart, but will give you what I have. I have a 10-yr-old with ADHD.
When I stopped giving foods with artificial colors (especially Red 40) I saw a big difference in attentiveness and overall behavior. Same with sugar and other junk-type foods. I also make sure that everyone gets enough sleep. Sometimes they’re up by 7 and other days it’s 9:30. We stick with short lessons but have lots of breaks. Sometimes it’s just a break to go potty or get a drink, but he gets to move. We also try to alternate between the type of lesson – something hands on, then something where he sits and listens.
Look for small victories. I always had high expectations, and he has met them, but they were not impossible ones. Having him sit still for 5 minutes to listen to a book was the first goal. Did I want 15 minutes? Yes, but I knew it wasn’t possible. So I set my “high expectation” for 5 minutes and he did it. After a while we were able to add time, for all the subjects. Give him something he can do, so he can gain confidence and build, slowly, from there. It has sometimes taken a year or two for him to learn something I felt was “easy”, but for him it wasn’t. We just took each day as a new day.
One of the best things we did was begin to praise more. He always heard how slow, how inattentive, how he was wasting time, etc. We made a conscious effort several years ago to give more positive feedback – praise even little things. And sometimes you can turn something bad into something good. “I can see that you are angry because you threw your book across the room and yelled at me. But I’m proud of how you tried to calm yourself down afterwards. You are really trying to manage your temper.” We also have a Bean Jar where he (well, all of the kids) get to put in beans (or colored rocks) for good behavior or things done right. “You remembered to get dressed this morning without being told. Go get a bean.” Or “You did such a nice job sitting still for 10 minutes. We all had fun listening to the story. Get a bean” Or “I liked how you stayed in your chair and worked on your math. I can see that you really tried to focus. Get a bean.” Once the jar is full the whole family gets to do something fun together. You could have one just for him, or one that focuses just on a specific behavior as well.
Building good habits takes time. Especially for kids who struggle with attention in the first place. Don’t beat yourself up. It’s hard. On both of you. I think Suzukimom has a good idea about math, just make sure the work you’re asking him to do later is work that needs to be done, not work you want to give just because you’re mad he wasted time. (I do that sometimes when I’m frustrated…it’s something I’m working on.)
Best of luck. It will get better. My son is working at grade level in all but reading now. It’s been a LONG, HARD road, but it is starting to come together.
Heather
Yes – with what I suggested for math problems…. you aren’t adding on work because he didn’t get done – it was work that you evaluated beforehand that it would be reasonable for him to get done in his math time, and that he knew he needed to do during that math time before starting.
Exactly, Suzukimom. I was just confessing that I sometimes have a problem adding stuff on because I’m upset/frustrated/discouraged whatever. It’s not the RIGHT thing to do and doesn’t teach him anything other than his mom is being mean that day.
I’ve tried really hard to set a limit of problems for him and TELL HIM OUT LOUD when he starts. Then he knows what’s expected and I can’t add it on later if I’m in a bad mood. He actually works much faster if he knows when he’ll get to stop. If he knows he has to do 20 problems or 10 minutes then his brain can relax and just work on them. He also then knows that if he doesn’t meet that pre-determined expectation that he’ll have to make it up during “play time.” It rarely happens anymore. As he’s gotten older he has become rather adept at telling me how much he thinks he will be able to do.
Heather
I wanted to second the idea of checking his diet. My 11 yo has Asperger’s (high functioning autism) and ADHD. One of the first things we did when he was diagnosed 3 years ago was remove any kind of artificial coloring, preservative….I thought we were pretty healthy eaters before I did this, but these things lurk everywhere…even in toothpaste! If my son gets any colorings he goes crazy.
If you want to email me privately, I can tell you more about the chelation (removing of metals such as mercury which he got from his vaccines) from my son. We started in March of this year. He literally could not sit still long enough to get much done last year. We just started up school this year, and the change has been incredible! His attention span is so much better.
And lastly, I encourage you to remember (I have to keep reminding myself of this all the time) that it is not your son’s “fault” that he can’t focus and that he is not being inattentive on purpose to make you mad or to test your patience.
You are not alone! It’s good to be able to share these frustrations with other moms who understand. I encourage you also not to focus on that he “should be” doing 4th grade work…forget about those grade levels for him. It will only frustrate both of you. Let him work where he’s at.
Will he listen to books on tape or listen to you read aloud? We do alot of those and I let my son play legos or do clay while he listens. This really helps, too.
Nanci
I have a dreamer child and her mind will wander very easily when doing math. Oh my, we had some frustrating times with math! I know you say you can’t sit with your son all the time, but that’s what it took for me to get her into the habit of focusing on her math. I sat right by her side and focused with her on her math problems.
And I finally lightened up my approach, too. I still insisted that math get done and I modeled how to focus by working with her, but I did try to make it more pleasant and offer encouragement. My short temper wasn’t helping, believe me….I needed habit training just as much as my daughter did. I figured it was my responsibility to make a good atmosphere for learning, and I fought that responsibility for awhile, I admit. I just wanted her to GET IT and get it NOW.
It took some time, but things have improved greatly with her focus and I no longer have to sit by her while she does all her math lessons, but I do have to be available and nearby. When we cover something new or challenging, I make a point of slowing down my day so I can sit with her. What fun it is when she shoos me away and say, “Mom, I got it.”
Good luck!
I have a dear friend who is considering homeschooling due to the fact that her grade 2 daughter seems to be falling through the cracks in ps. I am her homeschool “connection” and she has come to me for advice. I can easily answer her questions regarding homeschooling laws for our state, how/what we use for curriculum, etc. but I am at a loss for helping her with her ADD daughter.
I am going to have her read this thread and others that have been on this same topic, but I have real concrete questions that I may need the answers to if/when she asks.
What type of curriculum (if any) do you use?? Has that mattered at all or has it been the approach?? Or a combination of the two?? Are there programs you would say are easier to work through with an ADD child and some that totally frustrate both mom/teacher and child??
I don’t want to confuse/frustrate her anymore than she already is, and I’d like to at least be able to direct her to others who know more than I do:) which would probably be this forum.
She’s not sure if she’s going to homeschool and since that can be a life-changing event all by itself I’ll definitely support/encourage her in that area, but with her daughter I’m kind of at a loss. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
I have an ADD daughter (older but in similar lower than grade abilities) along with a couple of other complications. Simply Charlotte Mason has done more for us this summer than any of the other “programs” that we have tried. I chose Systematic Mathematics and way below age level workbooks from Christian Liberty Press. ( to use only for documentation / testing. Not on a daily basis) Stepping back and enjoying reading all kinds of books for the subjects we need to cover is so pleasant. It is interesting reading and holds her attention thru a whole chapter. Her narration is improving as we read and I think we will be starting some light written narration along with a drawn picture soon. Doing lots of hands on things to build in interest as well as focus helps. We’re also doing our Dictation / Spelling Wisdom using clay to model our words. I keep a plain sheet protector with a lined sheet inside it for using write on/ wipe off for easy correction while practicing anything that needs to be written (once a week each subject gets a real piece of paper for documentation in our state.)
I hope this is helpful.
MeadowLark
For My3boys-
As you probably already told your friend CM is very special-needs friendly. I would tell her to stay away from “packaged” curriculum that is “scripted” (tells you exactly what to say, because this will backfire).
Encourage her to just get that precious child home. She will need “decompression” time after being in ps…tell her to just spend lots of time with her outdoors, lots of reading, books on tape, etc.
There are some resource materials for special needs homeschooling at http://www.littlegiantsteps.com/
HTH
Nanci
Thank you for your much needed advice and practical applications. I will let her know asap. I’m not pushing her into anything (obviously I can’t anyway, this choice is between her and her husband), but I feel obligated to have practical advice, not just the blanket “Oh, you need to homeschool,” and leave her without any real help.
I so appreciate this site for women who have real answers. Thanks Nanci and Meadowlark:)
this is very interesting.i’m having some of these same issues with my son.he should be in second grade but instead we are doing our third year of kindergarten. he can not remember what he is taught and has trouble focusing. he is finally reading some short words but will sound out a whole word and forget what it was. I have been working with him for three months just to recognize numbers 6 -10 and still has problems with it. I have taken him in for testing and has been diagnosed with auditory processing disorder. he hears fine but his brain has trouble processing what s being said to him. if this sounds like something you want more info about i can post some websites.
I was having a hard time with my PDD 7 year old son for quite a while now with his attitude and willingness to do much of anything. I make sure everything is picked up around the house so there is nothing else to do. I have his notebook that lists everything we are going to do with a check box next to it, and all the materials inside the bag. I tell him that I need his best attitude and that we can start with what he wants. If he in the least starts to backtalk me, flop around, squirm, I tell him I don’t have time for this, I’m not interested and that I’m going to work with his 2 younger brothers. He’ll then have to get back in line per se. I always have something fun planned after school hours and we got to get everything done before we can do it.
Now this being said, it isn’t perfect. It’s newly tested, but it is a MAJOR improvement over it what it was. He comes to me with a good attitude and I can say “What a great attitude!” and the positives can go from there. I am so trying to reward him when he’s on a roll. Stop before that last math problem and say, What a great job, let’s stop there. He is a whole lot more willing to keep going with praise than the loop of frustration I was under. Just trying to start something and having him be totally disrespectful – diagnosis or not – they know what they are doing – it was a train to H*ll. Life is too short to be this upset all the time. I think we are both starting to get it. (sigh)
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