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Teens: moodiness, depression, unmotivated, friends

(10 posts) (8 voices)

Started 10 months ago by my3boys
Latest reply from jeaninpa

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my3boys
Member

Do your teens experience any of these issues?? And, if so, how do you handle it??

My oldest just seems so down...it could be the lack of friends, and if it is, I have no idea how to help him. I have offered every avenue to meet new kids I can imagine, even private school, but he doesn't seem interested. He is interested in a couple of activities, but I really have to coax him or just sign him up for anything else. He says he'd rather just stay home after the two activities he does have...I don't think that is normal. (On a side note: he has been hurt by some kids who he thought were his friends and may not want to put himself out there again. He was rejected by the "cool" kids and now is having a hard time seeking out friends. He is much older than his age, but those kids thought he was too young...the younger kids, even those his age, seem too young to him....)

His academics are going OK, he seems to be interested in what we're doing, well, most of the time. He isn't rebellious and doesn't have a temper....just so down. He is going through something right now that I can't seem to help him with...and I hate to push, but I feel the need to help.

He does have two friends but isn't "connecting" with them right now...isn't interested in what they are into. I guess would rather be alone....sometimes I can tell that when we are out, he just wants to go home.

Please give me some advice, words of encouragement, something...

And please pray for him. Thanks.

Posted 10 months ago # Report Post
4myboys
Member

DISCLAIMER: I AM NOT AN EXPERT ON DEPRESSION, but I did suffer from depression as a teen.

Your son seems to have been suffering from depression for sometime. Do you feel that it is primarily hormone or circumstance related or that he has always been a melancholy child? Can you remember the last time he seemed really happy or engaged in an activity? If he is not interested in things like he used to be, or hasn't shown any real interest or joy in sometime you should probably look into symtoms of chronic depression and decide if his problem goes deeper than just the lack of close friendships.

How is he connecting with dad? Is your husband able to give him some extra time, especially on a regular basis? Is there something they have in common that they could do together just the two of them? Fishing, camping, hiking, attending sporting events, working together on an old car or a wood working project? I would be careful to make sure that the situation doesn't feel forced, like dh is trying to get him to open-up, but that it should just be a time of fun male bonding. Even if boys say they don't want it, they all crave dad's attention and approval. It's not the same as having a good friend outside the family, but it is a very important relationship that really needs nurturing, especially at this point in your son's life. It can be pretty hard on a boy being stuck with mom and younger sibblings all day.

What really does motivate him? Does he like cars? Music? Sports? Serving in a ministry? Is he old enough for a part-time job or to do some volunteer work somewhere? It's important for him to feel he has a purpose and that what he does matters to someone else. Does he have a hobby or interest that he may like to pursue as a career someday? Could a mentor be found that could really encourage him in this hobby or interest?

I think moodiness and lack of motivation, and even depression, is common in teen years. I think often that is a symtom of the world we live in -- the average teen today is being raised by tv and peers -- no wonder they're depressed. Of course hormones and personality have much to do with it, too. Continue to pray for God's leading in how best to assist your son in this phase.

Posted 10 months ago # Report Post
tfigueroa
Member

We have been going through something similar with dd this last year. She has grown apart from her best friend who went back to public school in 8th grade and dd hasn't wanted to find a new friend. She gets along great when she is with the cousins, but they live in another state and we don't get to see them very often.

I went to talk to a counselor about these issues. She told me not to worry about it and at least dd is with me, so she really is not all alone. Ds is 18 and very social so really isn't around much. Dd just has dh and I and most of the time it worries me. But the counselor told me not to worry or bring it up to dd as it irritates dd when I make suggestions for her social life. Dd won't do a coop or youth group or anything at this point. The kids at church weren't very nice to her so right now she is done trying to fit in.

No advice really. Just chiming in to let you know someone else is going through something similar.

Posted 10 months ago # Report Post
Tecrz1
Member

It's really hard to figure out who you are. The teen years are beginning that process - a process which lasts for many years I think. Little boys who were fine playing trucks together discover they are not so compatible in the more intricate world of looming adulthood. You are trying to figure out what you like, what you want to do and become, your own interests and dreams and desires, and all of that while the most intense hormonal changes of your life are going on.
I don't have teens yet but I have worked with many and was one myself :-) I remember a time of depression, loneliness, and isolating myself. I was homeschooled too. This time in my life was hard, but it birthed a lot of character and intimacy with God. I lost my friends and was hurt. The best thing for me was some role models from church who encouraged me to draw closer to God. I came through it, and it was often remarked upon that I had remarkable confidence for a teen. I had started figuring out who I was - beginning with my relationship with God as his child.
I encourage you to point your teen towards God. Maybe God wants to use this time to form a man after His heart and not another peer-driven teen.
Tara

Posted 10 months ago # Report Post
my3boys
Member

Thank you so much for all of the thoughtful comments and suggestions. As I was reading everything each of you mentioned, I was shaking my head "yes, yes." I agree with so much of it, and it describes our situation so well.

He has some great role models and is a kid that adults often think is older than he is. He does spend alot of time with his dad, but could always use more time (and dh recognizes that). He remains dependable in areas that he has a responsiblity toward, has many character building activities/books that he is reading, and of course has me (and his dad) to encourage him. But, I think there is something about this age that is looking for acceptance with their peers, even if they know it's not the most important thing in life. I remember going through the exact same thing, only problem was, I went about it all wrong. I really don't want my son to feel "less than" or "compromise" himself. I know he will make his own mistakes, but you'd still like your children to learn from your mistakes and not have to repeat them. This is a very hard stage for children and I really feel for him (well, all kids, for that matter).

I will agree that I probably bug him too much about his social life and how I can help with "whatever." I just don't know how to just ignore it...I feel he would feel like I don't care or recognize that he "seems" to be hurting. But, at the same time, it probably is bothering him, and not making it better.

And, same as tfigueroa's dd is feeling, he would rather not go to our co-op, than to try to initiate friendships that may never result in anything. He understands that not all encounters will result in life-long friendships but I don't think he thought it would be this hard to have friends you hang with, call, invite to "whatever." That has proven to be very hard and very disappointing.

I have one more thing to say, then I'd better go. The look on his face seems so shocked, dejected, empty...like he really doesn't get what is wrong with him, or this is not what I expected for my middle school years. He had so much hope for his homeschool group and other activities, but it is just not turning out the way he had expected.

He is so different than other teens, seems so much older, and he recognizes that his ideas about life, how you act, what is considered "fun", etc., is just not the same. He stated to me awhile back that he feels he grew up too fast (not because we made him with responsibilities) and doesn't know how to just be a "kid."

Thanks again for such thoughtful comments. I will reread them and just continue to pray.

Posted 10 months ago # Report Post
LDIMom
Member

my3boys, I wonder if one thing you can do to help him is to really celebrate the fact that he is his own person? What I mean is not that you don't, but to really push the idea that yes, perhaps he is different, but that is OK and for him to really appreciate his uniqueness. My oldest has always beat to a different drum as they say and he even when in public school was never the "popular" kid or the one invited to a lot of b-day parties, but he has always seemed to be comfortable in this, in his own skin.

He does have Boy Scouts for which I am very grateful, b/c that is his thing. He also has recently begun volunteering with the 4H group we are involved in and at church as well. He would like to go on a mission trip and that is in our future, when it works out for DH to go on the trip with him. That is very important to us though our church allows children his age to go w/out a parent (other adults do go).

Anyway, my son doesn't have friends per se, but he does have his Scout troop and it is a good fit for him b/c it is smaller and b/c of that boys of multiple ages are often together and it is not age-segregated at all. My son too has always tended to be very mature for his age, and he has always seemed to know goals and dreams for himself. He hopes to work for LEGO corp. in Denmark and be a missionary there as well.

Having said all of that, one of my other sons struggles with friendships too and it bothers him. He definitely has some depression at times and can really let his situation (whatever that may be re: friends) weigh on him. This summer he went to church camp and had asked to be with 3 different people (this was on the form), but he wasn't put in that cabin. He was instead put in the 3rd cabin for his age group and he cried before leaving for camp. I think it was the realization that these boys he thought were his friends didn't request him in their cabin (and probably no one else did either since he was placed in the "last" cabin). Talk about a broken heart for Momma. Then I realized this was an opportunity perhaps b/c in all honesty a couple of the boys are not good influences on him. Not bad kids just bring out the worser in DS, and you know, he made a couple of new friends.

But yeah, I know how for one of our sons it can weigh on him while the other seems to accept who he is and that being unique is really a great thing. That it is OK to not seem to fit in with the cool kids, but my other son is always trying to fit. I guess like others have said you need to just continue helping your son see his wonderful character qualities and present opportunities where he can exercise those. My one son is great with little kids and he loves to help in my 3YO class at church on Sunday mornings. You never know what might be a good opportunity for your son to exercise his God-given gifts. I think that is a key: helping him find ways to do that! Great for the soul! Prayers will be lifted for your son too.

Posted 10 months ago # Report Post
nebby
Member

I don't have a lot to add except this thought: God works in our kids' lives just as He does in ours. I think we cna often lookm back at our own lives and say that the times of greatest pain were the times of greatest growth too though we didn't know it at the time. Moms especially I think want to step in and make everything okay. But sometimes we just need to let God do His work. I am not saying to step back entirely. Obviously you keep encouraging and most of all praying. But sometimes it is just not about us at all.
Nebby
http://www.lettersfromnebby.worpress.com

Posted 10 months ago # Report Post
luv2sew
Member

Well, this is tough. First, I don't know if your son has always NEEDED his own time without friends. I have one child like that (and he is now in his teens). If he has been a social butterfly before and this is new behavior for him, I would definitely feel some red flags have been raised. Is he also just beginning to be negative about everyone and everything? Have his eating and sleep patterns changed? Those are also sypmtoms of depression.

OR is he just wired to not need a social setting 24/7? Still, even if he is wired that way, I DO agree with you to have him work on getting out there. Why do I say that? Well, I do know the latest craze is to elevate shyness and give excuses for it, but that isn't healthy. I've seen ALOT of homeschool parents do that in my world. It gives the kid all kinds of ways to wiggle out of uncomfortable situations (presentations, speeches, working on teams with others, responding to discussions with adults etc...)

What is often mistaken for shyness can sometimes be morphed into downright rudeness. Not saying ANY of this is your son, but I do think all of us are wired to a degree one way or another and we need to work on those areas. Sometimes I think, "wow, so shy kids and teens can get a pass with 'he's just shy' but would outgoing kids ever get a pass with the parent stating 'you'll have to excuse Mary. She's just really aggressive.'" No, they wouldn't get a pass and would be expected to work on the overwhelming aspect of their behavior.

I think we all need our downtime and alone time. However, after reading Proverbs 18 this week, I do think too much of it may cause us to become a little self-centered. People are risky creatures to have friendships with. They aren't always honest, they manipulate, lie, cheat, say hurtful things. But they are supposed to be in our lives since God created them. This is why when I see a hundred posts by one of my facebook aquaintances about how much better animals are than people, it makes me think that the poster just doesn't think people are worth having real relationships. Gosh, now I'm rambling.

But ya know, you are so honest about stating that this worries you about your son. You aren't in denial that maybe, just maybe, there is something going on there. So THAT makes me NOT worried about him, because you are being honest about him:) That is the BEST gift you can give him.

Posted 10 months ago # Report Post
my3boys
Member

Wow, ladies, you are awesome!! It brings me to tears to read such thoughtful replies for my son whom you don't even know. Thank you.

I did speak with a close family friend/Sunday School teacher and we came to some good conclusions. I know he'll be prayed over and I know he has his own relationship with the Lord that needs to be developed.

And I know I need to back off some and continue to pray.

Thanks to you all.

Posted 10 months ago # Report Post
jeaninpa
Member

Five of my children are ex-teenagers and I currently have two teenagers and this seems pretty common to me, I wouldn't be overly concerned unless it goes on for too long. Some of the keys for us to help our kids through this stage are: plenty of physical affection (hugs, a quick pat on the back, whatever doesn't make your child cringe), verbal encouragement (easy, natural comments such as, "Oh, thanks that helped me a lot." or :"you did a good job with such-and-such"; physical exertion whether it's work or play; alone time; fun family time; and some type of service to focus on someone else's needs. Ideally this is a time of great spiritual growth, so pray with thanksgiving for what God is doing!

In general, direct conversation to talk about the "problem" is the kiss of death and should be avoided except in extreme situations.

Posted 10 months ago # Report Post

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