SCM Discussion Forum

1. 

   Misty
   Member

   So I have this friend who is great. Full of knowledge and insight. She is older and wiser. She doesn't claim to know it all or have done everything right. We get along fine. Though every time I go over there I leave with some nagging feeling that she has said to me. So today I'm going to ask you...

   My 13yr old son (the same one I speak of in Need help..who to call) and I went over to my friends house and she was going to talk with me about his issues at hand. We were talking about when it happens and over what it happens.

   I am not sure how this exactly brought this up but I said, "Do you really thing it's to much to expect a 13yr old to open his curtains in the morning?" And she looked me in the eye and say, "Um Yes, that's to much for a 13yr old boy" she was and is dead serious.

   I do expect a lot from my children. I will not deny that. I expect that they help maintain the house to the condition there dad (and I) made it. I expect that if we like to keep a tidy house that they need to do there share in keeping there things tidy.

   I mean what are you HONEST thoughts. Do you think expecting a 13 yr old boy to get up, get dressed, do his bible/devotion/prayer time, make his bed and open his curtain in the morning to much?

   I know that his daily chores are not an issue with this friend, who is a wonderful mentor, because she liked my chore chart and had me make her family one. She has 6 children, so it's not like she only has one and doesn't expect as much maybe.

   Is it to much? Why did this silly comment bother me so much? I told dh about it and he just laughed and said, is it to much to ask him to put his pants on, or turn off his light?

   I love this women, her dh and their chldren. But it seems like every time we get together I leave with these little comments she says and they put me down.
   Am I nuts or is it just another one of those comments I need to brush off my back?

   Posted 1 year ago # Report Post
2. 

   Misty
   Member

   Oh, my, I didn't mean to say someone with one child wouldn't expect as much so please dont' take it that way.. I was/am an only child and my mom expected me to do my share

   Posted 1 year ago # Report Post
3. 

   missingtheshire
   Member

   Brush that comment off, unless there was a major diability, then I can think of no reason on earth why a 13 year old cannot pull back his curtains, make his bed etc. Let that comment go....don't worry about it...you are not expecting too much. Linda

   Posted 1 year ago # Report Post
4. 

   momto2blessings
   Member

   I agree, that's not asking too much. Maybe she meant that she thought he was old enough to decide whether or not he wants his curtains opened?  Either way, it's up to you and not asking too much!  Yeah, don't worry about it....I've let comments from friends brew and it's just not worth it:)  Blessings, Gina

   Posted 1 year ago # Report Post
5. 

   Tristan
   Member

   Not asking too much!

   Posted 1 year ago # Report Post
6. 

   Sue
   Member

   No, it's not too much to expect from your average 13yo, but maybe it is for a son in her family. You have to pick and choose which habits are important to you and teach those to your children.

   Maybe you could bring it up again and just ask her, "I'm curious why you said...." and just make sure your tone and words clearly say 'no big deal, but I'm just wondering.'

   Posted 1 year ago # Report Post
7. 

   my3boys
   Member

   I agree with everyone else's comments. I have a 13yo and have LOTS of expectations of him (I don't think overkill, but ykwim). Plus, those are YOUR expectations and everyone has them for whatever reason...(maybe yours is a lighting issue, I don't know). Brush the comment off and just know that you have your own reasons for what you do.

   HTH

   Posted 1 year ago # Report Post
8. 

   WendyB
   Member

   Well.......I don't see why pulling back the curtains in his room should even be on your radar anymore. On a list of all his chores/behaviors where do you rank pulling back the curtains?

   Some kids do OK being micromanaged by mom until adulthood. However, some kids do not. By oldest boy was firmly in the "do not" catagory of kids. I made a list of all my expectations and prioritized them. School was important and non negotiable. Church attendence was important and non negotiable. etc. Making beds and pulling back the curtians were not important. Honestly, I couldn't tell you if he made his bed or pulled back his curtain 1 time from 13 until he moved out. Maybe he did or maybe he didn't. It really wasn't important.

   I do know that when he visit that he keeps the guest room tidy and the bed is made. So even if he "forgot" a few habits for awhile, he eventually remembered them all.

   HTH

   Posted 1 year ago # Report Post
9. 

   4myboys
   Member

   Nope- not too much.  Though I must confess my 11 doesn't open his own curtains -- his dad or I do when we go in to wake him up in the mornings, which is a new thing.  He used to be awake bright and early, but now we need to wake him.  A growth spurt maybe?  He's eating more, too. I'm going to get him an alarm clock, and then I'll expect him to open them himself. 

   Perhaps your friend allows her teenage children to make dicisions about how they keep their room, including whether or not they open curtains.  Who knows.  The thing is, you disagree and that's not a big deal.  It doesn't make either of you bad parents --it just means you have different styles.  Odds are she doesn't know she upset you and she won't unless you tell her.  The Bible is clear that when we feel offended by someone we should speak to them directly.

   Posted 1 year ago # Report Post
10. 

    sbkrjulie
    Member

    I agree....13 year old should be doing a lot more than just pulling back their own curtains.

    Seriously, look at today's expectations for children and those of our founding fathers. I do believe back in the earlier times, children did a LOT more than our generation could ever place on them due to techology and all of those other advances our society has made....but it is something to consider.

    I fully expect my children to help with dishes, laundry, cleaning, and daily duties. My kids are 12 and 9

    Posted 1 year ago # Report Post
11. 

    Misty
    Member

    Thanks everyone. Glad to know I'm not alone. I know this mom picks her battles and she picks very few and that's ok. As I said she is a good friend. For some reason this one little thing just got me. Thanks for reasuring me that it is not unreasonable to ask this of him.

    Posted 1 year ago # Report Post
12. 

    IrieMomma
    Member

    I did not read your other post yet (about who to call), but I immediately wanted to say that I don't think you are asking too much of a 13 year old boy! My children are 7 and 9 and are expected to be dressed and beds made before they even come out of their room. They clean the kitchen (dishes, counters, tables, floors ... and we don't have a dishwasher) after breakfast and lunch, they clean their own room and bathroom (vacuum, dust, mop, scrub, etc.) and do any other things I ask of them (vacuum living room, dust, take out recycling, etc.). They feed and water our animals every morning. They are absolutely expected to clean up after themselves. of course, I'm not saying they do it all perfectly all the time. But, it IS expected of them. And, it is a habit I have to stay on them about, checking to ensure it is done and done well. And, I intend to continue to add more as they get better. By the time I was 13, I believe I was doing all the chores in my home (with the help of my brother). I like to explain it to my girls like a car ~ a car has 4 wheels (we have 4 family members). If one wheel didn't do its job, the whole car would not move. The car (family) needs ALL FOUR wheels (people) to work in order to run smoothly.

    You are not expecting too much. I wouldn't worry about what the friend said. Even if she had a valid point, it is YOUR family. We all have different expectations in our home.

    :)

    Melissa

    http://www.irienarrowpath.blogspot.com

     

    Posted 1 year ago # Report Post
13. 

    Misty
    Member

    Melissa I really loved the car idea... now to find a vehical with 9 wheels? LOL :0) Thanks

    Posted 1 year ago # Report Post
14. 

    NJcountrygal
    Member

    Well I am the mother of one (so far! hopefully more in the future).  Sometimes I think it might be harder to remember to expect more out of an only child, but we do have our 7yr old dd do her share of the work.  When we have family chore time we always make sure we give her several tasks and when she is done and we inspect, she can then go back to play.  She is expected on a daily basis to keep her room and bathroom clean, make bed, feed pets, clear table at meal times.  I had several siblings and was doing much more than that at her age.  By the time she is 13yrs I hope to have her cooking like I was at 13yrs. (Cooking wasn't my chore, I just loved doing it!  And it was far more fun than washing dishes afterwards!!!  Hehe!!!)  One of the classes that I help in at our co-op each week is a high school cooking class and it always amazes me when I have to teach a 17yr old how to use measuring cups and spoons!!!  

    As for your friend/mentor.  I had a friend a couple of years ago that I have had to distance myself from because of the same thing that you have described.  She is a godly christian lady and I am sure her intensions were right, but when I would come home I would begin to feel the sting of some small comment.  In this situation, the comments would often be related to our lack of child bearing in the last 7yrs, and how it was because of a lack of faith on our parts.  (I began to understand Hannah, in the Bible, whose adversary vexed her sore!)  I knew that even before my dh and I were married we surrendered this area to our God and have never tried to prevent child bearing. We have prayed and we have done that which is in our power to do. Needless to say,  I would be an emotional wreck by the time my dh came home.  My dh would have to console me!!!  He asked me to be careful not to spend alot of time with her and when I did to be cautious not to share my whole heart with her.  We all need godly christian friends and mentors.  We all need that one God given, close friend with whom we can share our hearts and deepest burdens. This friend will be one who lifts you up and sharpens you!!!  A true friend makes you a better you, not an emotional wreck!!!  My husband and I have begun praying for these types of friends.  

    I don't mean to come across so strongly, but I want you to know that if you and your dh are doing your best to do what is right for your son, a true friend will not be quick to judge.

    I hope the best for you and your family!!!

    Posted 1 year ago # Report Post

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