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HELP! – We have habits – all of them bad!
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Ok, I’m at my wits end. I totally suck at this.
So my kids got up, had breakfast, and did Chorepacks. My son did his chorepack before breakfast (although I admit I haven’t gone upstairs and checked all of it – sigh) The 3yo daughter did hers ok.
The 6yo had a little tantrum because she said it was done (it wasn’t.) I put the chorepack on her and sent her off to do it…. a bit later she came out with her pack at number 6 – when I could see that she hadn’t done most of the ones before. (ie, her bed wasn’t made, and her jammies were on the living room floor so she obviously hadn’t done put jammies away) I put her back on card 2 (she had done card 1) – and she had a tantrum. she went in her bedroom and a moment later her sister (also in the bedroom) was screaming – so I put the 6yo on a timeout on the chair…. she then screamed over and over “I don’t want to do it” … so I spanked her. After a while I sent her back into her room – and she started tantruming again, and I asked her if she really thought that was a good idea. She came out again saying she was on a further chore card – and I showed her her jammies and told her that I didn’t want to lie to me (and put the cards back again.) Then she stormed off with her jammies, threw them into the room (possibly onto her dresser, where they each have a bucket to put clothes that are to be worn again…) and so I asked “Where did you put those?” “Under my pillow” – And obviously she hadn’t….. and on and on and on it goes. It is almost 11:00 and she is still putzing around her room – coming out every now and then like she is done – and I send her back.
On top of that – their room drives me nuts. The girls room has the 6yo, 3yo and 18mo old… and at the moment all I am mostly just requireing for me to be able to “walk” in it… because I don’t have the energy to require more. The tidy up the middle of the floor – and then 5 minutes later it will be as bad as ever. We have boxes and boxes of toys that I’ve taken away. Everytime I walk by the room, inside I am mad. But I don’t have the time or energy to go and clean it and take things away. They tidy the middle – and 5 minutes later it is trashed. My 8yo boys room is upstairs, and both my husband and I have great difficulty handling stairs because of health issues so I can’t inspect it daily… but every time I go up, I get mad because there is Lego all over his floor, and often his bed is a mess. And I know that whenever I take time to clean it all up – it ends up a huge mess again in minutes.
I feel that so much of this is because of my weaknesses and my inabillity to get a grip on this. I have a very difficult time with mornings. And recently because of the way my kids have been behaving (bicker, fight, tantrum, etc) I don’t want to get up in the mornings at all. I end up spending most of the day mad inside, and so obviously mad at them more than I’d ever want. I hate that my kids think they can just lie to me to not do work. Many times they are doing about 1/2 of a request. ie – “garbage day is tomorrow, take the garbage out” [one of their jobs] – “make sure you get the garbage behind the house” – well the garbage went out… but I had to tell them again to get the garbage from behind the house…. and there was garbage (a couple of diapers) left on the bathroom floor.
I don’t get how people get this to work. And I’m not meaning Chorepacks specifically – I mean the whole thing. I’ve tried a few systems and nothing works for us. I’m tired of my house looking like a circus just left it, and I’m tired of having to get kids to come and move things from the floor so I can get to the crib, and I’m tired of them lying to me saying they have done things when they haven’t, and I’m tired of being mad all the time. I’m sick of not starting homeschool until almost lunch time because my kids take so long to do chores and to eat breakfast (sometimes they take an hour and a half to eat!). I’m tired of being so worn out at the end of school that we never do anything.
Oh, and a few minutes ago my daughter came out saying she was done and I think she might be… and then said “can we watch a kid show?” – what is she thinking?????
We struggle with this too. I called an impromptu family meeting last night to implement a bit of a new approach. I had just reminded my DS(4) five times to mop the floor, while he was standing in the kitchen, holding the mop, leaning against the freezer, knocking off the magnets holding up our spanish vocab words and making a mess. All he had to do was lean forward instead of backward and move the darn mop. Grr. I don’t expect perfection with a task like mopping, but he does have to make an effort!
Anyway, I’m taking a two pronged approach. #1. I need to be present and involved while the kids are doing their jobs. I can’t let myself try to get anything else done at the same time. My job in the mornings is supervising their jobs. I’ll have to be organized enough the night before to make that possible. #2. I told the kids that everytime I have to waste my time reminding them about something or calling them back to do an unfinished job, or tell them anything more than once, or doing a job for them because I just can’t wait for them to get around to it, they owe me that wasted time back. They get to pay me back by doing an extra job that I would usually do.
This morning, I only had to assign one extra job (to DS of course). Usually, though, I would have reminded someone about something about 20 times, so this was drastic improvement. (I did give them a few “I’m coming down the hall, I hope no one needs an extra job!” warning calls, since this was the first day.)
We’ll see if we can continue. I don’t know if that helps you at all, other than just to know that you aren’t alone. Hopefully you’ll figure something out.
Joanne
The most important thing I did when the kids were little was to show them a few times how to do the task, even something simple like putting their jammies away – I would take the chores they were expected to do, and then have them accompany me while I did it, and then after a few days, they did it and I watched – once I was certain they knew how, and we had a little chat about how helping was part of family life and of being in a family – I let them do it on their own. They had set times when chores needed to be done – I cut them a little slack the first few weeks – after that, it was done on time or they had to do it later instead of doing something they really wanted to do. I checked on them regularly to make sure they were managing and pretty soon it ran smoothly. I told them that as they got older mum and dad would give them more responsibilities in keeping with their big girl status, that is was a part of growing up and sharing in the workload – that dad went out to work hard for us, mum worked hard in the house cooking, cleaning, taking care of them and then schooling when that came along, and that the chores they did was their work to help the family. They seemed to like that idea, and liked to tell daddy how they helped when he came home. Now as young women, they do everything without being asked and never complain. They often cook dinner, do laundry, help with the yard, and anything else that needs doing. That early training really paid off I think. I think training them first how to do the jobs is key – initially it can only work if you are present and showing them how. I think most kids will do their best once they know how, and perfection should not be the goal in the early years…..that was my experience hope it helps.
Yeah, they have all had training, they know how to do it – they just don’t want to. And by the end of it all, I don’t have anything left in me to make them do something extra because of them waisting my time, or anything like that. I’ve never figured out how you can make a child do an extra chore as a consequence of fighting doing a chore… I’m too worn out from the fight to do the original chore.
I don’t want to do anything today. I’m worn out. I have no motivation to do school, violin practice or anything. I have no desire to clean. I’m just sick of it all. And yes, my kids are now watching TV…. so all I’m doing i training them to make life such a hassle for me that I give up. And there is nothing I can do about it right now because all I want to do is lie down and cry.
Don’t give up – take a break…I did not make them do an extra chore for not doing a chore, I don’t see the point in that. I took away a privilege, something I knew they really loved/valued/wanted to do – and I only had to do that a couple of times before they realised it was not negotiable. The three year old likely needs a bit more help, she is still young though I don’t know what you are expecting of her – the six year old needs to understand a tantrum gets her nowhere..she gets for example to watch no kids shows until chores are done properly, or no dessert, or something along those lines. We all have days when we want to throw in the towel – just redirect your thoughts for a few hours to something else….have you spoken to your six year old and in a gentle kind way explained your tinking about chores, how she can really help the family now that she is a bigger girl, and how much mommy appreciates the help – that you can’t do nice things until the necessary jobs are done…and that if they help with chores, mommy will have more time for the fun things…I am so sorry you are in such a struggle, but do remember, that children are quite clever, they see when they can push your buttons, you need to try and keep a cool head, a calm demeanor, put your rules in place – and then calmly follow through. Even if they misbehave, don’t let them see they are getting to you – walk away for a few minutes if you need to, then calmly discuss what they cannot do until chores are done. I will pray for you all. Hugs….:)
What I’m expecting
3yo
- Use Toilet
- Get Dressed
- Put Jammies Away
- Make Bed (which she can do just fine)
- Do Hair (which is make an attempt at brushing it, then bring brush and comb to me to do)
Olders
- Get Dressed
- Put Jammies Away
- Make Bed
- 8yo Check Cat Food (fill if low) – 6yo, fresh cat water
- Do Hair (for 6yo – again bring brush etc after doing their best)
- Empty Dishwasher (either done together, or one empties and one puts in any dirty dishes around)
Otherwise…
I have wanted to have a clean room in there – but wanted to have success at this level first… they are expected, as I said, to at least keep a pathway in their room…..
The day before Garbage day, everyone works to get it to the curb…
My son has just learned how to do the cat box – something he is somewhat motivated to do as he wants to earn his pet-care badge in cubs….
So sorry, sounds very stressful. I don’t think your expectations are unreasonable. Have you tried a timer? My kids are older, so don’t know if this will help…but they have one hour from waking to do all their chores and eat breakfast. If they do this, they get to watch the Brady Bunch while eating lunch. One time my son missed while his sister watched, and he corrected immediately:) Maybe a reward they’d like?
I remember reading about a mom who struggled getting her kids out the door to school on time. She kept a bag of small treats that they only got to pick one if done on time (maybe treats could be watching a show later or a special activity…..). I don’t know if that helps, just prayed for you! Blessings, Gina
P.S. Oh, and they’re not supposed to get free time until room floors are clean and school messes are cleaned up (any clutter pick-up). I tend to forget to check their rooms, but do keep track of our main living area.
The six and eight year old should be capable of doing those things – and the three year old is most likely needing help with some of these things…
This comes from a book that I have that discusses appropriate chores and teaching a work ethic to children….it is not a Christian book, but has a lot of good guidance. This is what it says about 3-4 year olds.
Between 3 and 4 years of age children should be able to chores such as putting dirty clothes in a hamper and helping you to make their beds. Threes can fill pet bowls, pull up their own elastic-waist pants and skirts, and brush their teeth with your guidance. Praise your child for a good effort — little ones thrive on positive attention.
Fours continue to be able to complete chore responsibilities such as putting their dirty dishes on the counter or clothes in the hamper, giving the dog water or food, washing themselves in the bath with your supervision, brushing their teeth with your guidance, and picking out their clothes for the next day. Remember to thank them for their help.
So I think the three year old needs some guidance and kindly help…..others may disagree but one thing it should not be is a daily battleground and they need positive affirmation when they do things right, and more of that than being frustrated with them….which only causes tension throughout the house.
Have you tried using positive consequences? I posted this awhile back, but I can briefly repeat if you want to try it.
It goes like this:
Depending on the age (mainly for older kids!) I have a set allowance (positve reinforcement money 🙂 given at the end of the month. For example my son (12) gets $18 a month. I have a simple chart on the fridge with each child’s predetermined amount. This amount stays the same if ALL listed chores and school are completed without me asking. (my younger kids are reminded one time, but not twice) If I see something isn’t done, the child gets a deduction in their amount and I write the date and reason on the chart, and then show their newly subtracted amount. They see this and get back on track soon after. My nagging has been replaced with a quiet little money chart that acts as a good incentive for my kids.
My 8 year old daughter who is my sweet daydreamer is suddenly more awake with this method. She loves knowing that at the end of the month she will be receiving $12 if she has done well in taking the initiative to complete her work on her chore tag.
I figure that we all work like this to a degree. I get my work done better if I know there is something positive waiting for me at the end. Same with people going to work, we go because the money is wanted or needed. If we work and do our responsibilities then the expected reward is that much sweeter!
Does this help?
I’m sorry you are so frustrated. I’ve totally been there, many times. As I said, I’m working on this too, but here are a few thoughts I had. Of course your mileage may vary, but here’s what I would try in your situation, things that help me, when I’m consistent in them.
I really find that the absolute key for us to for me to be present to observe that my kids are doing what they are supposed to. I think our problems are a bit different, because my kids aren’t really being defiant and refusing to do things, but rather just getting distracted and goofing off and then forgetting. Either way, though, being right there making sure it happens is important.
I’m not sure what your physical challenges are, but I would find a way to be in your girls’ bedroom supervising until they prove they can do everything on the list without supervision. Maybe park a chair in the doorway where you can observe. For your son, if you can’t make it up to his bedroom, you might need to be creative. Perhaps he needs to take a picture of the completed job to bring down to you (assuming you have a digital camera he can use).
Another thing is to think about what happens after the chorepack is done. If the next activity is something unappealing, there is less motivation to get it all done. My children know that they have time to play once they are done. The sooner they are finished, the more time to play before school starts. Which is why my approach of an extra job makes my point – they are losing play time because they wasted my time.
We have our tasks posted on the wall. They have to come out of their room, I verify that something is done, and then they can go on. This is another way that I can monitor and make sure nothing is skipped. Perhaps you should be holding the chorepack so they have to come to you each time so you can check their work. That way they cannot say something is done when it isn’t. Eventually as the habit develops and you can trust that they are actually going to do it, you can move to giving them the chorepack.
Finally, for keeping the room clean, I’ve found that this has to be something that happens at regular intervals multiple times a day. My kids don’t play in their rooms, we have a playroom, but I try to be consistent in having them clean it up before every meal and every snack. The mess doesn’t get as bad and so the clean up goes quicker. If I leave it for a day, however, it’s a guaranteed fight to get it clean the next day. They also have to do their bedroom every morning and before supper and before bed, or the clothes and books will get out of control (I have girls who change clothes many times a day).
Anyway, time to go do school. Hope that gives you a few ideas, although I know every family and house will be different.
Take a break today and then figure out how to approach things fresh tomorrow. Good luck.
Joanne
Don’t have a lot of time to respond right now, but wanted you to know you are by no means alone. We all have days, and yes sometimes weeks like this.
I 1st ALWAYS have to ask- Are me and dh on the same page in OUR relationship, are we dealing with anything that is showing in our attitude, is our relationship healthy and positive right now? If I can truly answer yes to all of these then I look else where.
Movies, TV, radio, books etc. What are they listening to, reading, seeing, etc. Is this all ok.
I am not in any way saying you are having relationship issues with your spouse, just mentioning the 1st things I do when we start with these issues. And as I said that’s all i have time to respond 2 right now sorry. Also, I have no tried and true things that have worked and mine are 13 and down (7 kiddos).
Good luck, blessings and prayers sent your way
((HUGS)) I just read your first post, I’ve not read all the replies and only have a moment. Here is one thing I’ll suggest, it may help, it may not. We used to need to do chorepacks before a meal (like breakfast!). Breakfast has a specific start time and end time (half hour from the time food hits the table). If you’ve not done the chorepack you can’t eat that meal until the chores are done right and completely. If you run out of time before the meal ends you miss the meal. Period. And you keep working until you’re done. The next food time is 10am snack. If you’ve still not done your morning chorepack you’re missing that too.
The premise behind it are scriptures like these:
Psalms 128:2 For thou shalt eat the labour of thine hands: happy shalt thou be, and it shall be well with thee.
Proverbs 19:15 Slothfulness casteth into a deep sleep; and an idle soul shall suffer hunger.
2 Thesselonians 3:10 For even when we were with you, this we commanded you, that if any would not work, neither should he eat.
You’ve got to work first or there is nothing to eat at our house.
It may or may not be motivating, depends on the child. Another possibility is any child who hasn’t finished chores only gets water and bread if you’re worried about them not eating at all.
Just an idea – tweak or ignore! Now I’ve got to go, time to diaper the baby again…lol.
Oh, big hugs from me too! I totally feel ya. Yep, they are totally pushing your buttons and my guess is they know it.
First, I don’t think your expectations are unreasonable, AT ALL.
Second, I have found in my own home, that if I want toys picked up and put away properly (key word here being properly – as in not shoved under a shelf or tossed somewhere), I totally have to be in the room the whole entire time. This is the area I am working on right now. I don’t want to be so mad about it either and this is what the Lord has laid on my heart on how I need to handle this.
Third, would it be completely weird to do a bunch of that stuff after school? I know, I know, you should make your bed first thing in the morning and all that. But maybe its just too much to deal with right off the bat. Maybe after school you will have more energy to just keep on rolling into getting chores done. Maybe the kids will too. Just a thought. Though I think Tristan has a really good idea too and love the scripture references.
It will get better. It will. 🙂
hugs and love. i have fibromyalgia so i really really hear you about the getting up in the morning and the exhaustion. i don’t have a lot of words of wisdom – but you are not alone!!
I should have added to take priority on taking care of yourself, seriously putting you and your health first. The days I feel worst are when I don’t take time before the children get up to have some quietness in prayer, a little coffee, and making myself get on that treadmill with some fun music to run to. You preferences will be different of course, but whatever it is that helps–do it! I feel better mentally when I do these things and I end up treating the kids better afterwards because I feel good ( or at least better than I would if I didn’t )
Also, I’ve learned to make a prep list for each school day of the week. Everyday is a bit different as far as our activities so I highlight above each day what materials I usually need out. When I’m in a brain fog, this helps me to remember, “oh yeah, I need the science materials ready today”
… Etc.
Don’t worry, you’ll get there. We all know what you’re going through and we all need to step back at times and ask ourselves what could I do to make our life less stressful? Then pray for God to speak to you as you go about your day. Blessings to you.
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