SCM Discussion Forum

1. 

   LindseyD.
   Member

   I don't normally post things like this, but I needed some encouragment today. 

   Yesterday was a rough day in our house. We had friends over for lunch and playing, and my children completely shocked me with their behavior and treatment of our guests. These children are quite a bit younger than mine. They are 3 and 5, my dc are 7 and 8, but they have always played well together and their mom is a good friend of mine. My children were selfish with their toys, spoke rudely to these other children when they accidentally messed up a game they were playing, and my dd actually hit the 3yo for spilling some water. I was appalled. I have no idea where this behavior came from, because I have never seen my children treat others this way. When dd hit the other child, I made her go lie down on my bed for the remainder of their stay in our home. She was not allowed to play or talk with the other children, until right before they left when I made her clean up the mess by herself. My 8yo ds told those kids they could play with anything they wanted except his cars. And later, I gave him the comparison that what he was doing by not sharing his cars would be like me fixing a big dinner and dessert for our guests and telling them to eat all they wanted, but that they couldn't have any dessert because I wanted it all for myself. 

   It took about 2 hours of discussion for my husband and I to come to an agreement about what to do. What we decided is probably the most extreme we've ever been, but we realized that this situation isn't the first time our children have shown selfishness and been rude because they didn't get their way. I think God was really giving us a wake-up call yesterday.

   So, we have taken all their toys and books, except their Bibles, away from them and have moved all of that to our guest room. They have to earn them back by showing selflessness, thankfulness, and helpfulness over the coming days/weeks. We were also going to visit grandparents for the holiday weekend and cancelled our trip. What would be the point of taking away all their toys at home on Thursday only to have them in a room full of grandma's toy on Friday? Also, they are always spoiled at grandma's house, and spoiling is not something they deserve right now. We also decided that they would write letters of apology today to their friends and the friends' mom. Finally, we had a long talk with them about showing love to everyone but especially giving the best of what we have to guests in our home. Hospitality is a huge deal to me, and I thought I was passing that along to my children. Guess not.

   I have no idea what we're going to do this weekend. It's going to be a long 3 days at home with no toys, no movies, no visiting, nothing. Dh and I have been wracking our brains to figure out what to do with the children over the weekend. We are planning some yard work and some organizing in the garage, but are lost as to what else to do to occupy time but still have a pleasant weekend. Any suggestions are welcome...

   Anyway, one minute I feel like I'm being too hard on them, and the next I realize that we're probably doing them the biggest favor of their lives by having them learn these hard lessons. I guess I just need some encouragment, maybe if you've ever done anything similar to what we're doing.

   Thanks,

   Lindsey

   Posted 12 months ago # Report Post
2. 

   Evergreen
   Member

   Oh, I do hear you. We all have this problem with being human and selfish and it's hard to see it popping up so blatantly in the kids. I know it is mortifying when that happens, and I'd guess it happens to all of us; I know our kids have taken us by surprise from time to time, and need to rework things and get back into habits of politeness or service or whatever area they're straying in. Perhaps this weekend you could work on something together, which would allow them show love and service to others - cards for veterans in a nursing home, lemonade stand to benefit the city mission, that sort of thing? You could play games together - board games, and other games, like who can serve the others without them noticing sorts of things. Have you seen Our 24 Family Ways? We pull that book out again from time to time, to work on specific issues. It's a fantastic book.

   Posted 12 months ago # Report Post
3. 

   simple home
   Member

   Sorry for your weekend. :( Maybe you and hubby could watch a fun movie after the kiddos are in bed and eat your favorite dessert! At least that would give you a little something to look forward to. :)

   Don't feel too bad, none of our kids are perfect and this is just another learning experience. It sounds like since your kids are older and maybe not used to having little ones in their things and messiness? Having little children as company is a great opportunity to encourage older kids to serve the younger and practice patience. When the dust settles, you might want to do a discussion on this and pray with them on working on this attribute. And then talk about looking forward to practicing what is learned the next time you have little people company. :)

   Posted 12 months ago # Report Post
4. 

   2flowerboys
   Member

   Just want to give you a big hug, Lindsey! I think we have all been through this in some way. It really is a shocker when you see your kids behave opposite of what has been drilled..I am mean taught :)...into them!

   I just wanted to say that you choice of punishment sounded like a good one. However, maybe after 2 days of punishment...you could discuss again w/ them about it all...and then surprise them w/ 1 special thing of theirs...then tell them about grace. Just a thought. I do agree w/ what you are doing.

   What evergreen said is a good idea. Choose something that they could do for you, your hubby or each other.

   If your friend is a close one maybe she can come over again real soon and the kids can "practice" on how to share etc.. w/ you two watching. EVEN those cars!!!! Going to be hard ..and maybe your ds can keep one or two special ones up.

   AND...sometimes I feel like that too!! It is NOT good I know..and no excuse at all..but hopefully it was just a bad day. And they will learn from this valuable lesson!

   Hope you have a good wkd in spite of it all. Ditto..on the movie and dessert thing!

   Posted 12 months ago # Report Post
5. 

   art
   Member

   I hope you can leave behind that feeling that it was too harsh. I am actually in the middle of a "harsh" disciplinary action right now that I hope will have a very lasting impact on my daughter. (She doesn't want me to talk about it with anyone, so I won't go into detail; but it's along those same lines and a VERY big deal for her--and not something she'll ever earn back.) Like you, we don't normally take such action, but my main concern is the future happiness of the kids rather than their current comfort or fun. I really feel that the consequence we administered will help her in the future, even if it's torture to us all right now.

   You can have a great weekend remembering that you're showing the kids how important their actions are.

   Posted 12 months ago # Report Post
6. 

   missceegee
   Member

   Lindsey,

   I understand and sympathize with you. FWIW, I think you did the right thing. It won't be forever without toys, but the children should have a greater appreciation for them and a willingness to share when it happens.

   We have a similar situation right now. Our kids have had chores since they were toddlers. Mostly they've learned them and there's been no issue. Since I've felt poorly the last few months, things have slidden. My girls 5 and 11 are the worst with keeping up their room and clothes. My solution is to give them BARE BONES wardrobes. My hubby grew up very, very poor with 2 pairs of pants, 3 shirts and one nice outfit for church. He survived just fine. DD5's clothing is being culled to close to that level. 2 church dresses, 5 t-shirts, 4 shorts. I will keep 3 nice outfits put away if it's something less than church, but more than play clothes. DD11 does better with her clothing, but does not see anything on the floor and just steps over it. We're working on this. 

   One thing we're doing is making a chart w/ 30 days. Each day that all chores are done WITHOUT reminding earns a check. If we miss a day, we start over. We need 30 straight days to get the habit back in form. We will have no special extras until that time. 

   Hugs, know you aren't alone. 

   Christie

   Posted 12 months ago # Report Post
7. 

   Tristan
   Member

   You are not alone! I think the hardest part of being a parent is being consistent and nipping things in the bud when they resurface. And often it is hardest on the parents...LOL. Good job Lindsey, and I agree that you and hubby should do something special when the kids are in bed this weekend.

   Posted 12 months ago # Report Post
8. 

   LindseyD.
   Member

   Yes, I just got finished telling my husband that this is going to be harder on us than it is on them! We have a bit of a game plan for the weekend, which we hope will focus on looking for ways to be helpful and serve each other and also reiterating thankfulness for everything, even the small stuff they have come to expect. Tonight is normally our Family Movie Night, and we have decided that they have not yet earned that privilege, so we're going to play cards or something instead. Tomorrow, dh and ds are going to work on the yard, fix the back gate, and repair a few of our sprinkler heads. That should keep them busy most of the morning. Dd and I will tidy up around the house together. We will have another family discussion this evening, telling them ways they can be giving, helping, and serving and then letting them know that if we see them trying really hard to be those things, then we will begin giving things back, one at a time. They finished writing their letters to their friends this afternoon, and I was really touched by how heartfelt both were. I hope that feeling sticks.

   I think I will call my friend and ask her if she and her children can come back next week some time so my kids can "practice" hospitality and sharing. That's a really good idea.

   I have been craving sweets all day, and I have no doubt that it's because of the stress I'm feeling as a result of all this. I have never been more embarassed as a mom and I felt like a complete failure yesterday. I know all moms go through this.

   You can bet dh and I will be doing something extra special after the children are in bed. I've been thinking all afternoon of a dessert or something I could make for us while we watch something on Netflix!

   Posted 12 months ago # Report Post
9. 

   LDIMom
   Member

   I don't think your punishment is too harsh. I do agree that some grace is always good.

   I will say that if you think of it, 8 and 7 is still a child.

   We can't expect our children to never show selfishness though I don't think.

   I totally agree you are right in expecting more than what happened, but we all make mistakes and even us adults show selfishness.

   I will say also that our oldest son, who is 13, builds some very intricate models with LEGO bricks. I don't expect him to let his 2-year-old sister play with them, because all she will do is tear them apart.

   Maybe I'm in the minority here, but I do think it is appropriate at times for older children to have things that are off-limits to the younger. For the most part our children share all things and coincidentally, our two 6-year-old children play with the LEGO bricks and do not bother the models their older brother builds.

   But they have learned to respect them and he readily lets them play with them. I however do not allow our 2-year-old to play with them because she breaks them and she still occasionally puts things in her mouths.

   I do agree with you that cars seem like a nice toy for a wide age range, but maybe your son is just especially attached to some and was afraid they might be taken or broken? Sure that wasn't necessarily rational but in his mind, maybe that was the case. I don't know?

   I wish I could say our children are always exhibiting selflessness, but they don't. We have a wide age range and so they have learned to appreciate children of all ages and our 5 older children all do really well playing with children of different ages. Still they mess up some too!

   It is so hard being a parent especially when our children disappoint us or surprise us with bad behaviors. It is a learning time for us as parents too I think. Sometimes we make choices that hurt others, and sometimes our children do too.

   Big hugs and do enjoy your weekend. You may be surprised at how productive it is as you all spend so much focused time together. I hope and pray so!

   Posted 12 months ago # Report Post
10. 

    missceegee
    Member

    My kids are allowed to have some special toys or things to keep for their own, BUT they are not allowed to play with them when friends are over if they don't wish to share them. For dd11 it is her American girl doll, she doesn't have to share it, but she can't play with it when friends are over. It's a bit different with siblings, of course. There are times when playing alone with something special is ok, but most often we share. DS8 has a set of toy knights and weaponry that he really loves. However, he sees how his two year old brother wants to play, too. He decided that while the knights are special, his little brother is more so. He gave them to the little guy. He still plays with them, but with the little guy. That's been neat to watch.

    Special "things" are nice and it isn't wrong to keep them aside, but people and relationships are better. I encourage my older ones to build intricate things alone in their room, but during together time, I'd rather them build towers for the 2 yo to knock over and have fun doing it. Example is so important, but sometimes we need to help that stick with consequences.

    Posted 12 months ago # Report Post

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