I just want to say something here. I have hesitated for a long time about mentioning my marital issues on this board, mainly because I don't like airing dirty laundry. But I think here it might really help, because i have been in nearly your exact situation, time after time after time.
My husband is a good man. He loves me, loves his children, works hard five days a week. He is a Christian.
That said, he has MAJOR explosive anger issues, and always has. He is also extremely OCD (I am not speaking in the diagnosed sense of the word.) He likes things just so. He tries, honestly. But if things aren't just so, he starts going crazy. He knows this is no one's fault, but he still takes it out on me, and sometimes the children (indirectly, and not hitting. We are a non-violent household, period.)
Going from one child to two has been a MAJOR and difficult adjustment for him. He has to help out more around the house. He gets less time with me. He gets less time on the computer just to relax. Now, just to clarify, all of those things are prioritized: I do make sure he gets time with me and to relax. There is just less of it than before.
He too gets very stressed over financial issues. We have been very tight recently, mainly due to car issues and (finally) paying off some of his residual debt from years ago. We have not been able to go on some trips he would like to. We have not been able to purchase a second car as soon as we would have liked to since our previous second car died, so we have been sharing a car.
Plus, his job is extremely stressful. He is in the military, and is holding down two positions, and being considered for one that is above his rank level. He was hoping for a promotion this year (that would finally bring his pay grade up to the level of the job he is actually doing, which is also above his rank), and it didn't happen. That would also have eased matters financially.
How does he deal with this? Well, he will be fine for a few weeks, and then he will explode, usually over something completely inconsequential. He will say horrible, horrible things to me. He will do it in the presence of the children. He will call me names. He will threaten to leave or tell me to leave him. He will say our DS needs to go to PS (we have a firm commitment to homeschooling him; and because of his special needs, he would suffer more than most in PS.) He will say I don't love him. I don't respect him. I am against him. I am disloyal....all with absolutely zero foundation.
Does DH mean these things? No. But he says them all the same, and despite the fact that he usually apologizes either that night or the next morning and then is fine for another month, it still hurts like you wouldn't believe.
It got so bad (he crossed a previously uncrossed boundary) shortly after our recent second baby was born that I had to call my father on an emergency basis and have him drive seven hours to come pick up me, the children, and the dogs. I left for five days. It was the hardest and most miserable thing I have ever done.
It was also the best. While we were gone, I put my foot down. I told him how his behavior was damaging me and our children. I told him that while I am completely and utterly loyal to him and love him dearly, I have the responsibility as co-parent of my children to protect them from harm, whether it be physical, emotional, or what not. I laid down conditions to our coming back.
I never called him names, disrespected him, or was ugly to him. I made my love clear to him, but was extremely firm in that his behavior HAD to change. I knew he loved us, but the compulsive issues (everything has to be his way) and explosive periodic anger had to change.
So far, it has worked. Not completely without incident, of course, but mostly. He understood the need for boundaries and work on his part, and we hashed out those boundaries. He has really tried. He has stepped up to the plate. He has not lost it completely since then....almost, last night in fact, but he stopped himself. He has become clear that he is as committed to homeschooling as I am, and he has stopped naming PS as an option. He has been more sensitive to DS (who CAN be hard to deal with, and has always been a trigger for DH. We have had a lot of the "Why don't you do something about it?" that you mentioned. Always shifting the parenting responsibility to me.) He has been more sensitive to my needs, and I have been better able to have spiritual conversation with him and bring him things that were troubling me. He has, in short, humbled himself and thus earned far more of my respect than he had before.
He is really trying. And part of what helped was this. When he would accuse me of not respecting him, I would respond calmly: I respect you for who you are. But I do not respect your behavior. You have been acting in a manner unworthy of respect. I love and respect you, but further respect has to be earned. It is not a default. If I were acting the way you are acting, I would have no right to expect you to respect my behavior.
I have been firm yet gentle with him, but I have also had to learn to be firm and gentle with myself. I do not cave emotionally to his problems any more. I do not blame myself for everything and cower in emotional corners. This part has been a long hard road, and several people and books have helped me, but I finally feel that I am standing up straight and being the best parent I can be for my children (which I couldn't be when I was so afraid of his temper and unpredictability that I couldn't take the steps to protect my children from it), and the best spouse I can be (ditto.)
Love is given. Respect is earned. These men HAVE to hear that. And they should never, ever, EVER require you to do something because you need to be "taught" respect. That is an abominable and un-Godly way of communicating. It is used to manipulate for their own emotional well-being...and helps no-one, themselves included.
Again--I love my husband, very, very dearly. But I also love my God, my children, and myself....and God has been working overtime teaching me how to balance all these things properly. :) I know you love your husband and must struggle with communicating these things, because you see all his good qualities, but when you have to talk about the bad, it makes him look so much worse than he is. Believe me, I know. I have had family members try to get me to divorce my husband based on his behavior (I do not believe in divorce.) But they do not see what a truly wonderful person he is, apart form the issues.
Please let me know if you'd like to talk sometime.
Amanda
