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Finding a job

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Started 8 months ago by Misty
Latest reply from missingtheshire

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trusting God. work.

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Misty
Member

I am wondering for those of you who work part-time/full-time how did you go about finding a job that works around your home schooling and dh's schedule? I was informed tonight that I need to find a job and was wondering what you might have to offer as advice. This was not expected so I am blown away right now.

(the odd thing is as my other post about respect went out and how hard I am working on it and I asked hiim yesterday about this and he said all was good... that's the exact reason he says I need to go get a job. I don't respect him.)

So with a humble heart I started by asking my parents if they would like a house cleaner (they are slobs)! And will try things that I thought would be good weekend work - restuarants which I use to do and loved. Any other suggestions for places to try and apply at?

Posted 8 months ago # Report Post
missceegee
Member

Sending you a PM.

Posted 8 months ago # Report Post
missceegee
Member

I was going to send this in a PM, but then remembered that you cannot receive PMs. I ask that others not respond re. my post, but simply as the Lord leads in response to your original question.

I am sharing a bit of my perspective here on parenting, working moms, homeschooling in general just to give you an idea where I am coming from when I address your specific situation. I am not saying all families should have this mindset, but just that this is what is right for our family. I understand that at times families will financially need the extra income from the wife and I know that there are families that successfully homeschool while the mom works either full or part time. I have not worked outside of my home since a few months after I married 16+ years ago. Those few months were to pay off my previously acquired debts - car and student loans. Since that time, my husband and I commited that I would stay home, even before we had children. For five years, I was home and we were childless. I could have earned quite a bit during those years, but we made a decision to live on one salary from the beginning. We have been blessed that my husband has had a good job all these years and has been able to provide for us, even 4 children later. I know not all families are so fortunate. When hubby was a child, his father was a pastor and his family was poor. Really, really poor. His father worked 3 jobs for a good while, taking his bike so that his mom could stay home and raise the young kids and keep the one family car in the event of emergency. This was a sacrifice his father was willing to make and the example he set for my hubby. As homeschooling was unheard of then and their four went to school, his college educated mother went to work as a teacher and college professor during the hours her children were in school, but she always managed to be home when the kids were home. This example is one, that were our family in need, we would follow. Hubby would take another job or two so that I can stay home and raise these children we've been blessed with and I would return to work as an absolute last resort with clear direction from the Lord. Our commitment to that has never wavered. We have also homeschooled from the beginning and have commited to do so until the very end. We are on the same page with this, too. If, however, we were not on the same page and having the children be homeschooled was a source of friction and disharmony in our marriage for whatever reasons, then I would seriously consider school for them. It would be far from my ideal, but my marriage comes before the kids and homeschooling.

Misty, please know that what I say below I mean in sisterly love and I don't mean to sound harsh. Also, I don't know your husband at all and only know you by your SCM forum communications. My advice is based on reading many of those.

You have 7 kids, including littles, right? What are you supposed to do with them while you go to a 3rd job? Mothering is a full time job. Homeschooling is a full time job, perhaps part time if they are independent learners and there are only so many hours in a day. Are the kids all old enough to stay home? Otherwise a great deal of any earnings will be eaten by childcare costs unless the kids go with you or your husband keeps them.

Many of your posts have been about your family dynamics and I am often stunned to hear what you communicate. To be honest, it sounds like your husband has unrealistically high expectations of you as a wife and mother and low of expectations of himself as a father as evidenced by the fact that he will not stay home with them while you run errands, will not attend church because they wiggle and aren't silent, etc. I'm sorry, but he participated in the creating of the children and he has the responsibility to see that they are raised properly according to the Word. Parenting was never meant to be a one person job. Single parent families exist and can work, but they were not God's design. In your home there are two of you. The two of you need to work together to train and nurture and educate your children. It seems from your posts that the two of you are not on the same page about many things - training, working, educating, birth control, respect, etc., but you've given no indication of what he is doing about any of it. It sounds like it has been simply lumped on your shoulders to figure it all out and do it right. That is a heavy burden to carry. There are many scriptures about families, parenting, fathers and I encourage you to seek them out to read together. Sometimes, God uses songs to speak to me in ways that are very clear. Here are two that the Lord impressed upon me to mention to you. Perhaps they will encourage your husband if you feel led to share them with him.

Courageous by Casting Crowns

Lead Me by Sanctus Real

These two songs encapsulate my prayers for your family and your husband. I pray for peace, harmony and unity in your home. All of our homes, really.

God bless, Misty.

Christie

Again, please know my post was meant for Misty personally and do not respond to it.

Posted 8 months ago # Report Post
missceegee
Member

Story behind Sanctus Real's song Lead Me - http://youtu.be/DtIJqNrNKsI

Posted 8 months ago # Report Post
missceegee
Member

In rereading my post, I wanted to add that I am not trying to encourage you to be critical or to be contentious. Husbands are won over without a word from their wives and scripture speaks to this very thing. However, sometimes we all need a kick in the pants however it comes. Something to shake us up and make us look at the situation with a fresh perspective, the Heavenly Father's perspective. Hugs again.

Posted 8 months ago # Report Post
AprilMayJune75
Member

Hi Misty! As someone with one child, who homeschools and currently works full-time outside the home (DH is unemployed, and his last bout with it completely depleted our savings), I can attest to the fact that if you try to spread yourself too thin, it's very difficult to do any one thing well.

DH is helping some with homeschooling, but I do feel like it's taken a back seat to other things at this season. DD is still learning, but the home environment is more harried than it used to be, as I am always trying to multi-task. We take care of the basics each day (Bible, the three R's), but many days, the arts and nature study get pushed back to another day. The only days I would consider "great" days of school are my days off of work, when we can take our time, and focus just as much on relationship and atmosphere as the education itself.

I realize I am working full-time, but when I worked part-time last year, I had a similar experience; I just had more days off, and it was easier to work around. But this is my experience with one, eager-to-learn, quick-to-absorb, will-work-with-dogged-determination-until-she-gets-something-right child. I can only imagine how challenging juggling it all would be with 7 children, all with different learning styles and different personalities.

Is your husband prepared to do some of the housework, to prepare meals and clean up after them, in your absence? If you work the evening shift, that's going to become something your DH needs to start doing. And when kids get sick, they usually want Mommy, regardless of the fact that the work schedule posted on the fridge says that you have to leave, and Daddy will be the one tending to them for the evening.

That's my response to the challenges and practical aspects of what you wrote. But I must admit, I also think that showing respect for your spouse's role (contribution to the family) is a two-way street. Based on your previous posts, it seems as if your DH is not willing to take on your role for even a few hours at a time. If you are taking on some of the responsibility of providing for the family, is he prepared to change his perspective and take on some of the role of nurturing and serving his family within the home environment? It so, perhaps this could help him understand, and better respect, your role within the home. If not, and you are expected to add a part-time job on top of everything else you are already doing (i.e. you need to have dinner ready before you leave, come home to the mess and children needing their bedtime routine upon your return, expected to be responsible for how they behave/relate to him in your absence), I am concerned that this added role strain will instead serve to build resentment, rather than respect, in your marriage.

Just my .02. I do pray that the Lord can use this time and experience for you and your husband to grow closer, regardlless of whatever decision you ultimately make on the matter.

April

Posted 8 months ago # Report Post
Misty
Member

Thank you ladies for your kind words. I read them and think.. you all must think my dh is a aweful husband. He is not at all, he just knows what he want and likes things done. But I am the same way. I am stubborn, a perfectionist and not usually easy to get along with. He loves us very much. Right now his fear is because last week his van broke down and then mine did this week. On top of that my daughter when I just got the van home today went inside my van while I was cooking dinner and left lights etc on and my battery died. Where did this money come from but our savings, which is going down each and every time. Winter when we need it, there will not be enough there.

Christie - I worry about the same things you mentioned. If I go to work in the evenings and weekends then he will have to pick up more around the house and will he be able to do that. Can he oh with out a dought, but will it bring more harmony, I dought it. I don't believe I am expected to stop home schooling, the way I took it was I needed to find a way to earn money after he is done for the day. You know he goes to work in the morning, I would go during the evening/weekends.

Do I think it will be as easy as he thinks it will be.. no. But I feel a couple things: maybe he will see all I do and realize my job is not a 4am-3pm (which is his typlical hours), I hope I will realize more how hard he does work and will gain even more respect for him and be able to show and express it. I know that while he is home he will have to work on training more and all those other things so maybe as much as this is going to be hard on me it will be good for him too. I will do what I can to support my dh and if this is what he asks for me I will do it and ask the Lord to give me a humble heart. It will not be easy but I will do it. Right or wrong, good idea or not he is my dh and I am to support him and if this help him right now I will do it. So I will work on finding a job that fits my hours and can work within our family dynamics.

I will look at these songs a bit later as I hear my kids waking up! Blessings and thank you so much for your words. I did not take them rudly or harsh they are from the heart which is why I love this site.

Posted 8 months ago # Report Post
Rachel
Member

Why doesn't he be the one who gets the 2nd job on the weekends? You have two jobs already. Personally, I think that should be where he should be looking for solutions; turning to you to seek employment outside the home should be the last resort and a mutually led decison and not based on teaching respect to the other-that's what you do to children, not to an adult spouse. You show your respect more than in your behavior, but how frugal you are in the kitchen, with clothing, etc and how you spend YA'LL'S money.

How is he going to measure whether you've learned that respect, BTW?

Since he doesn't go to church anymore, he has two full days to work. He gets off Fri. at 3, he can rest and then Sat. morn. go to work and also Sun. go to work, getting home early enough to get a full nights rest before waking up at 4 am again. Your two oldest sons are old enough to pick up the slack for him around the house in his place.

However, if he's not willing to do that then I think it's only reasonable that you get a COMMITMENT from him before you do anything. A commitment to pick up the slack at home in specific ways-areas that you know you're going to need the most help with; I think you should choose it since you're making the sacrifice, otherwise he may pick the easiest and not the areas that you really need him in.

I am concerned that if you go into this with only the hope and expectation that he will do these things on his own and have respect for you in return and it doesn't happen, then it will create resentment in you and create more stress and disappointment in you. If he's not willing to make that commitment to you then (if I were you), I wouldn't make the commitment to him to find a 3rd job-and I think it would be wise to start using the term "3rd job" when discussing this with him, too. Words have power to shape thoughts and viewpoints. You are the full-time manager of the home and full-time teacher of the children, you need assurance that these areas of your previous two jobs are going to be attended to in your absence. He wants to know what you're willing to do, it's reasonable to know what he's going to do before a decison is made. Also, a trial period to be set down is a good idea, too. Otherwise, it is natural for a man to allow his wife to take on too much and let her carry the burdens he should be carrying. A trial period will allow you both to look at how the 3rd. job is affecting your health, finances, your sex life, the children's training and schooling, how his commitment he makes to you to fill in while you're away is working and the home as a whole.

Just my concerned 2 cents...

In love, Rachel

Posted 8 months ago # Report Post
Rachel
Member

Oh, I meant to ask:

Have you spoken to your Priest about this? This is a major decision and his counsel would be good.

Posted 8 months ago # Report Post
4myboys
Member

Hi Misty,

I do work part-time. In fact I'm just on a quick break right now. I'm the Pastoral Administrative Assistant at our church and work from 9am - noon daily. My boys (I have only 2 -- 3rd and 6th grades) usually come with me to the office unless dad happens to be off. Dad does none of the homeschooling, so on the morning he's off he usually gets the boys to help him with some project -- right now they are builing a new shed for the lawn tractor and ATV. So, I guess you could say they are learning life skills with dad. What is important to me is that they are spending time with Dad. They still do their reading and math in the morning, though. We do family work and guided work in the afternoon. I try to keep it about 45 mins for family work now that my older does his science independently, and then about 30-45 mins for guided work depending on the day and what needs to be accomplished. My older son knows if he wants to be done by 2:15 when the girls next-door are getting home from PS that he needs to get as much as possible accomplished in the morning. We are only in the second week of our school year here though, so we still have several subjects that we really haven't started yet.

Working and homeschooling is really not easy, and I would LOVE to give up my job. But I know that if I did give it up I would never be able to find anything so flexible and accomodating again should I need to in the future. It's a tough situation.

Misty, forgive me, but everytime I read your posts I get the distinct impression that there is more to the story. I am not suggesting your husband is abusive or tyrannical, but he does seem very self-absorbed. He is complaining that you are not respecting him, but I have to wonder at his definition of respect. Is he looking for absolute obedience as a sign of respect? We are working on respect as our virtue this month and the simplfied definaition we are using is: "Showing someone they are important by what you say and do". Do you feel that you are doing that? Do you feel your husband is going that for you? I don't get the impression that he is respecting your efforts to maintain your home and teach your children.

Does your husband resent your homeschooling or is he on board completely? Has he expressed that he would like to send them to PS and feels that you are disrespecting him by refusing? Do you feel that his frustration is caused by not being able to have control over something external to your marriage, but you are the children are getting the heat for it? Have you and your husband considered counselling? You asked him how he felt your marraige was going, how do YOU feel it's going?

Posted 8 months ago # Report Post
Misty
Member

No I haven't. I would like to note that my dh did go to church with us 2 weeks in a row and then didn't last week as he went hunting. So I am praising the Lord for that in my life.

I want to thank you for your support and that you all look at like I have 2 jobs - home maker and teacher. What a wonderful blessing of love I feel here. I will work on how that will work before I commit to a job, unless it's cleaning my parents house in which I can do that with the kids and on our day off between running and grocery shopping (she lives close to the grocery story anyway).

Oh, I have to saw the only shocker in your comments is the one that suggests he get another job. Boy I can only imagine where that would put me if I suggested this. he is so worn out, and exhausted by the end of his day I can't imagine him trying to get to another job..

I am very frugal in the kitchen, clothes, etc. I am always trying to buy in bulk to cut costs, never unless have to buy new clothes I love the thrift stores, and I am always the one turning up or down the electricity to save on that end. We make all our own snacks and don't go out rarely.

I am prayerful that he was just angry, blowing off steam and upset because I didn't give hiim the response he wanted about my daughter. She scratched my van with a rock, he was out there and saw it. I assumed (I shouldn't have but thought) that he would have dealt with it, but when he told me I went "oh well" under the impression it had been dealt with. This was not the response he wanted. he wanted me to be mad, upset and I don't know "do" something. Anyway.. I am thankful for your thoughts and prayers.

Posted 8 months ago # Report Post
Misty
Member

I wrote over you 4boys - is a strong will man no doubt. He is not abbusive, or any of that. he is funny, charming, and everyone loves him. I don't know what his definition of respect is.. it is different than mine I am sure. he is touchy feely and i am not. I like it when someone does something for me. He wants me to sit with him and I can't always do that if you know what I mean.

he is totally on board with HS and that is not the issue. I have not spoke with my priest yet, and I have felt like things were going really well. I was working on hugging him more, kisses when he got home, that type of thing and we have been happy. He gets upset when we dont view money the same. We both save, but when things happen he feels it's the end of the world nothing he has/bought should ever be broke etc. I am realistic on this and know things happen and pray they dont.

have to go my friend just arrive. Thanks

Posted 8 months ago # Report Post
4myboys
Member

Your comments reminded me of the book The Five Love Languages. Have you read it? The five main love languages it talks about are: Words of Affirmation, Physical Touch, Acts of Service, Gifts and Quality Time. Usually we are primarily one and have some of one or two others thrown in. It sounds like Physical Touch and Qualtity Time may be among your husbands, and perhaps Acts of Service might be one of yours (just guessing -- could be something else). Recalling some of your previous comments, I'm thinking perhaps your husband is really just aching for more personal time and attention from you and you are looking for him to do more and affirm your efforts around the house and with the children, but because you speak different "love languages" you're miss understanding each others attempts to show love.

Just a thought -- I'm not a phycologist...just found the book to be pretty accurate...

Posted 8 months ago # Report Post
chocodog
Member

Hmmm. That is a good point Rachel. I do see where you are coming from. Was in a similar position myself years ago with my first husband and only one daughter. I have mentioned this breifly before. He wanted me to do everything and his time was his. Sorry, but I have been there done that. The truth of the matter was I was obediant. I always tried my hardest to obey my husband. I didn't nag. Sometimes I couldn't beleive what he was asking from me. First he would ask me to get a job. Then, he would savatage it. then, just as I was getting back to a regular schedule he would do it again. I ended up seperated from him because HE was not satisfied with life. It didn't have anything to do with me. He is still searching even after a divorce and another family. I want to warn you that this is a problem of the heart. One that has nothing to do with you. Well, maybe something. But in my honest opinion you will find he is never satisfied. You don't have to tell him. Just let yourself know and see this.

   I believe you could obey him. I think it will not matter much because he will only see it as being your fault for whatever happens. I am sure he is a wonderful husband. I am sure you love him very much. That is why some of us may seem a little harsh because we don't know him. Rest assured we are only speaking from experiance or seeing something that has happened to someone we know.

       I also think the above advise on a trial period be set. So, he can reflect how much you do. I do think it might be a good break. He maybe seeing something we are not. However, others maybe seeing more in you and him than you are seeing yourself. Like others have said, "Don't take it as critisisim." We really care for you and want your best. That is why we see things maybe you don't. It comes from being in a situation like yours and the best advice comes from those who have been there and done that.

   I see that you want the respect from him. You want to please him. However, maybe you are not seeing that you may not get it. Your fellow sisters here see that and are trying to warn you of you impending dissappointment. I am sure you are willing to step up to the plate and you realize the finacial things going on in your home. It says great things about you. You may need a break. I think it would be a good thing to start with your parents home. I think this will be a temperary job. I think he will be sick of doing the extra work around the house and after awhile realize he doesn't want to do it anymore. Not that I think he is lazy or anything but like you said, " He doesn't realize what you do."   He will, and realize you are better at it and expect you to be home again at the drop of a hat. :)   Just think of it as a temperary vacation. I don't think this is a permanent position so don't go looking outside that. If it is too burdensome for either of you tell him to let you know and you will let him know. Ask him if he wants you to give him an itinerary of things that need to be done while you are gone. :) Maybe you will get the break and get him to command the children to do something while you aren 't there.

          BLessings I hope all goes well. Keep in mind that it is a matter of the heart.

Posted 8 months ago # Report Post
missceegee
Member

Misty, why would you be shocked at the suggestion your husband take a second job, but not at the extreme difficulty your taking a 3rd would be? I understand that he might not like the idea, but there is nothing shocking about a man working two or more jobs to provide for his family. I know many are doing it these days even if it's 18 hrs a day 6-7 days a week. Ideal? No. Sometimes necessary? Yes.

I also agree with other posters about different love languages and this being His heart issue. Love language understanding is tremendously helpful in all of our close relationships. Your last post, again, spoke to His heart issue. Why would it be your responsibility to deal with a transgression of one of the children that you did not witness, but he did? He is their father and should have dealt with the problem then. That is part of being a parent.

Again, I do not know your family personally, but I would strongly encourage you to seek counseling. Based on the info. you've shared it seems that your family dynamic is not a healthy one. All the love in the world is not enough to fix it. It requires work, communication, mutual respect, and a team approach. I am praying that you find the answers you need to do this. I do not think that you will do so by working and fear that the very difficulties you face could drastically worsen if resentment creeps in on either side. Wives are to submit to their husbands, but doing so blindly can lead to an unfortunate end result.

Again, please know that I say this in love and concern for you and without malice towards your husband.

Blessings,

Christie

I pray Psalm 121 for you now. Hugs.

Posted 8 months ago # Report Post

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