Feelings of failure, back to PS? « SCM Discussion Forum: Charlotte Mason Method Homeschooling

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Feelings of failure, back to PS?

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Started 10 months ago by 4myboys
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4myboys
Member

I took my boys out of PS at the beginning of last year partially for personal/attitude reasons, and partially for acedemic reasons. With my oldest in particular I felt like I was losing him from the moment he started kindergarten. He is VERY concerned about his social position, and is a real follower. He has hated being homeschooled. Even though acedemically he has made much progress this past year (in terms of math especially though he's only starting to approach a real understanding of basic operations) I feel I'm still failing if he is still going around telling everyone he hates being homeschooled and complaining about how he doesn't like to be different and just wants to go back to school so he can hang out with his friends, how he never hears from any of the kids he used to hang out with and how mean I am and how I'm making his life a nightmare by insisting on homeschooling him.

I am so disappointed and feeling really depressed about all of this right now. It's been another horrible day and I haven't anyone here to talk to. My dh won't be home before midnight and I'm not at all sure what his response will be. Our son is going into 6th. If he were to go to PS he would have to be up at 6am to catch the bus to the Jr High at ten to 7. He can barely pull himself out of bed by 8:15 now! In one sense I do feel I am stealing some "normal" experiences from him.

Granted this past year has not been perfect -- we've tried out some curriculums that weren't working for us, played with routines and tried to find the things that work. We didn't always have time to do all the fun things I would like to do, partially because he wants to play with his friends as soon as they get home from school. I thought that being able to do that was maybe more important than try to fit in a board game or art project. Maybe I should have done more of that instead of actual work this year. Maybe I should have allowed a longer period of deschooling with out even worrying about the basics -- but then he'd still not be able to subtract with regrouping!

And it is harder when I work part time, but as much as I'd like to, every time I mention quiting my job my dh asks if he can quit his, too. I know he's having a real difficult time at work right now --loves his work, but really struggling with the integrity of the management team right now. He has so many frustrations of his own, I hate burdening him with this one. My job allows us to afford those extras -- like travelling, and I know that if he didn't have a nice vacation to look forward to each year, well let's just say sometimes it's the only thing keeping him sane, so I feel so guilty when I mention giving up my job.

Well, I didn't meant to rant so much. I'm just so down and confused and really doubting that I can really continue to do this. I know if I were to given in and allow my older ds to go to PS, my younger one would give me a hard time, too. Sending him back feels like giving up on him. But I'm really afraid of what the out-come over the long term will be if he continues to be so negative about the whole thing. There are some days when he does really seem on board, but they are rare.

Posted 10 months ago # Report Post
Misty
Member

I wanted to offer my prayers, HUGS and support. My kids also at times wish they were in PS but we then talk about all they would miss. Unless I read wrong I don't think your son hates your schooling just that he misses his friends. Are you in a co-op or some type of group? Are his friends from school really "good" people you want him to be around anyway?

Thiings with kids this age are hard. My going into 7th grade is only now on long division. He is behind and I am pushing him very hard this summer to get an extra book in math done.

I have 5 boys so I can also say for me, PS (which my 1st born did till 2nd gr) did not work with bed time, moving around, and school in general.

Could he this coming year have a bit more say in what he does? Or maybe how or when he does it? I know I asked my kids last year and went against everything I "knew" about school. My kids like to do there schooling in the evening, that just seemed weird and not heard of. But you know what it's working well for them and actually for me too. I just had to let go of "MY" idea of schooling.

I don't have much more to add. I am hoping someone who has pulled out from PS later in life will offer more advice. But hang in there you are doing the right thing. He's just fighting you right now and it's taking it's a lot out of you right now, be patient, in prayer and try to find a way to ask your dh about it.

I know (as you have seen I'm sure) all to well about what these men are going through. To ask more of them.. I don't know what God wants us women to do right now.. ask more or just work through it. We all need to pray.

Sending love, prayers and hugs your way! Misty

Posted 10 months ago # Report Post
pslively
Member

so sorry I don't have time for a better response right now, but I just have one quick thought to share. Are you doing anything outside the home? A co-op, a sport, anything? Two of my kids are extremely social beings and if I had them at home every day, they would go nuts and they would hate homeschooling.

Don't give up. Pray. It will take time for him to get school out of his system. If you felt you were losing him starting in kindergarten, you probably were. Now you need to capture his heart again. I know someone here will give you some wonderful advice. I wish I had time to respond more, but I the kids are anxious to get into the pool. Feel free to rant and complain all you want to us. That's what we're here for, right?

Posted 10 months ago # Report Post
simple home
Member

Sorry for your hard time. Prayers of peace to you. I have no advice really, except to talk and discuss with hubby. Sons listen to their dads, and it seems you need that right now. Blessings to you and your family.

Posted 10 months ago # Report Post
pslively
Member

4myboys, here is what I wanted to say earlier. Regarding your husband, I get what you're saying about not wanting to burden him. I do think, however, that you are wrong. You are a team. His family should be a high priority for him. I don't think a wife should EVER feel bad about taking child problems to the dad. He is every bit as responsible for the situation as you are. The other thing is, does he understand that you really have two jobs? Your mom job and your part time job? Without complaining about it, I would certainly try to have a heart to heart about this with him. What is more important? A nice vacation or having the hearts of your children? A few extras or a peaceful, loving home? Is he supportive of homeschooling? Do you have the same goals for your children? If you are not on the same page and working together, life will only be much harder.

Regarding your son, is there any possibility that he thinks he might get to go back to school? Have you fully committed to homeschooling, or is it just something you are trying for a while? If you are committed, then tell him so. You and your husband together need to tell him so. Make clear to him that there is no possibility that he is going back to school, so he should make the best of it. If he has a bad attitude, don't let him play with his friends that day. If the friends are important to him, then he will get a better attitude. My son gives me a bad attitude sometimes and I have to do things like that. He gets over it very quickly when there is a consequence waiting for him. And like someone else already said, are these good kids that you want him to be friends with? Or are they feeding his disrespectful and rebellious thoughts? Maybe that is something to look into.

Please forgive me if I've misread the situation or if I've spoken too harshly. It is all meant in friendship. I hope something is helpful to you. I feel for you. Wish you lived nearby so we could get our boys together. Sounds like maybe your son just needs some new friends who are homeschooled. That has always been important to my kids so that they don't feel so alone in this adventure.

Posted 10 months ago # Report Post
suzukimom
Member

HUGS

Posted 10 months ago # Report Post
LyndaF
Member

Have you tried to invite his friends to lessons? The kids in our neighborhood love to come to lessons. We read history and re-enact it. They love science experiments and nature study. Art projects are always good too. My daughter used to do the same things. It became easier when we let other kids come over for some lessons and they loved it. They still come over to ask if we are going to have 'school'. Just a thought.

Posted 10 months ago # Report Post
mom
Member

Maybe hold an "anti-school" day every so often. Make sure to do things that p.s. kids can't. I honestly do understand how u feel. I have a 7th great boy and there are so many dynamics to this stage of life that make it a lil tricky! Just thought I would pass along a big (((hug)))...

Mercy

Posted 10 months ago # Report Post
4myboys
Member

Thanks everyone for your words of encouragement. I am trying to get my son to participate in choosing some of his curriculum for next year. He is excited to start ancient history. He seems to like the idea of doing more independently, when he's having a good day. Yes, dh and I have committed to this for the long haul -- or at least dh understands that is my intention and agrees with my decision -- however, I know that he would support my decision to return him to PS if that's what I choose to do someday.

Ds has lots of opportunity to socialize. We have two girls his age next door he hands out with amlost every day, two boys from our church down the road who he hangs out with quite a bit. The kids he gravitated towards at school are not children I want him associating with. We only know a handful of other homeschooled children -- we are in a small rural community and there is no co-op or local support group. The oldest of the homeschooled children we know is nearly 4 years younger (a month younger than our younger son) but he and my older ds get along together quite well and enjoy playing together. Unfortunately our schedules don't often allow us to get together much. I am considering signing the boys up for Tuesday afternoon swimming lessons in the fall as that is the only thing that local homeschoolers do have going on. Ds plays on a ball hockey team (some of those former school chums are on his team), and wants to join army cadets when he turns 12 in November.

I think having so many PS friends is a real issue because they talk about what is going on at school, the latest school dance (yes, they even had them in elementary), field trips, graduation, they are all excited about moving to the jr high (which has a HORRIBLE reputation) in September, so it's not helping. He really feels different, out of the loop, etc.

I like the suggestion of inviting some of the kids to join in our lessons. I've got to give some thought to that.

Again, thanks, ladies. I really appreciate your prayers. I am so grateful for this outlet!

Posted 10 months ago # Report Post
petitemom
Member

I did not read all the responses but i would just like to say, do not be too hard on yourself. I don't know how I could homeschool if I did not have so many people homeschooling around us, things we can do together and if I had to work on top of it.
Seems like you are wanting the best for your kids and doing the best you can.

I am sure if you keep at it, keep a prayerful life and keep trying to find things they enjoy it will turn out for the best.
hugs!

Stephanie

Posted 10 months ago # Report Post
momto2blessings
Member

I'm sorry you're struggling. The friend issue can be such a pull. My good friend and only daughter (5th) both loved homeschooling, but she had to send her dd to school last Jan. so she (mom) could get a job. Now she's working from home, but her dd is choosing to stay at school to be w/her friends instead of going back to homeschooling. Only 5 months of public school after 5 1/2 yrs. of homeschooling and the friends won out. I pray your son will look at the positives he has and the pull of school will lose hold. Blessings, Gina

Posted 10 months ago # Report Post
binky
Member

Hi,
I am in the same situation here. I have a 15yo dd who I just brought home from PS. She is not very happy about it at all. I also have a 12 yo ds who has been home for 2 years already. He begs and pleads to go back to PS. Both of these children are very social. They also think that homeschooled children are "weird" as they put it. I say that God calls us not to be of this world and if my kids are normal we are probably not doing the right thing. I actually want my kids to be different. My husband and I decided that we were going to homeschool for the long haul no matter what. So there is really no argument( even when my heart is aching and my stomach is in knots) wondering if we have made the right decision. I am actually scared to death of schooling high school, jr high and 4 elementary age children!! I am trusting God to help me through and to know what to do. I am letting my daughter help choose some of her curriculum and sometimes she'll ask me why she can't just use the curriculum the PS uses. Some days I want to just throw up my hands but I never want to deal with PS again. Everyone may not agree with all of the info in the Indoctrination video. But it is a great documentary and actually helped cement our decision for pulling our last child remaining in PS out! I am very opinionated about homeschooling our children but I allowed my husband to make the decision as to whether we brought our dd home. I told him I would respect whatever decision he made. He agreed that she needed to come home. It makes standing firm much easier because we are standing firm together.
I am not sure that any of this helps and I don't have any great ideas because I am new to this as well but know that we are all in this together. God will bless our efforts and I truly believe that the homeschool community is the only thing that is going to redeem this great country. Prayers and hugs as well from me to you. I also have a house full of boys that would love homeschool companions. :)

Posted 10 months ago # Report Post
4myboys
Member

Thanks again, everyone. I am feeling a little better today-- anxious to finish ordering my books for the coming year so that I can finish planning our coming year.

I think one of my biggest fears is that he will continue to rebel and end up resenting us for homeschooling him and making him "different". It's a catch 22 because I hate feeling like I'm forcing my will on him, and I hate the idea of sending him to PS and mediocrity and everything else that comes with it. He has learned in PS that he can get by without much effort and he settles for just getting by. Trying to get him to care enough to do his best is really difficult. Any suggestions on that front welcome.

I've really got to read laying down the rails again over the summer. Not sure when I'm going to find the time to do everything I need to do.

Posted 10 months ago # Report Post
Rebekah P
Member

I've had some similar situation with my 8 year old daughter. She often begs me to send her to school and I must admit, I've considered it. The children in the neighborhood have, what my husband called this morning a

"little thiefdom". I had to laugh!! To my daughter it appears they have all the fun and unfortunately they seem to enjoy excluding her.

Today I thought about the reason I would consider sending her to school. The only reason I could come up with was social interaction. There are multiple reasons why I chose to homeschool. I don't beleive social interaction outways those reasons. I'd advise you to pray then write a list of why you would send him and why you want to homeschool. I think you know where I'm going with this.

Sometimes we just need to rember why we chose to homeschool in the first place.

HTH

Rebekah

Posted 10 months ago # Report Post
chocodog
Member

Hugs!!!! I also had this problem last year and earlier this year. It came down to he wanted to play with his bestfriend. this friend lives several miles away and is in PS so it would be hard for us to get together. We have tried so I think we are over the hump until the next time he mentions it. That is all it boiled down to though.

   My son is very social also. I didn't involve him in team sports because that just would feed "the want to go back to ps monster". That we have heard about.It has seemed to help. We do many family orieted sports and activities together that don't involve ps kids that much. This way they don't get all the "gossip" about who is doing what. They are forced to make new friends.

I agree with someone above. They mentioned not letting them play if they had a bad attitude. I do have to agree with this also. Positive reinforcment (getting the desired result you are wanting by reinforcing a habit in a positive way to get the results you desire) instead of negative reinforcement (the non-desired result you don't want from his actions from something you let him have/do because he has whined, ect... to get his way) I hope that was clear ?? not like mud.. :)

    I am glad today is better but it may rear it's ugly head again soon. Beware and just see waht triggers it. Missing friends or being around his social friends and wanting to be around them more..

                                     Blessings and peace in this endeavor!

Posted 10 months ago # Report Post

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