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Child who complains about the smallest things

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Started 1 year ago by LindseyD.
Latest reply from Janell

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LindseyD.
Member

My 6 1/2 yo dd is really starting to get on my nerves. God bless her, but I think I'm going to lose it! She acts so weak and frail when it comes to doing the most mundane of tasks around the house. Here are couple of examples to illustrate my point:

Yesterday while making breakfast, I asked her to scramble the eggs so I could finish juicing. The eggs were already in the pan and only needed to be stirred. After about a minute, she complained about how tired her arm was from stirring and asked if her brother could take over for her. Then today, her afternoon chore was to wipe down our dining table and chairs with a wet rag. She tried postponing the job, saying she wanted to wait until after lunch. When I told her to just go ahead and get it done, she said in a very whiny tone, "But it's just so hard!" To which I replied that as part of our family she has things to do to help out and that instead of complaining about every little thing she should be thankful that she has a clean home to live in, beautiful clothes to wear, and nice things to play with and that helping out around the house should be a joy to her for being allowed to live in such a wonderful place.

If these were isolated incidences it wouldn't be that big of a deal. BUT almost every time I ask her to stir a pot or peel the carrots or whatever, she doesn't even give it an effort before complaining about how her arm hurts or how it makes her tired. It's ridiculous!

Does anyone have any advice to offer me because I think I'm going to lose it!

Thanks,

Lindsey

Posted 1 year ago # Report Post
crazy4boys
Member

The only thing I can think of is to assign more work. I have a son (now 11-yrs-old) who would growl, cry, scream, stomp his feet, etc. whenever a chore was assigned or he was asked to do the simpliest things like brush his teeth. We finally decided that we'd assign more work. If work was hard for him, obviously he needed more. We explained to him up front that work was required and it was expected. Had the whole "you are so blessed to have this...as a part of this family we all help...blah, blah, blah" We then explained that anytime he threw a fit, complained, whined, whatever that an extra chore would be assigned. After two extra chores he would lose privileges for the day (TV, computer time, etc). After he lost privileges if he threw another fit he'd be given 30 minutes of straight work. I made up index cards with a chore on each card - things like clean the base boards in the living room, sharpen pencils for 10 minutes, wipe out the silverware drawer, clean the table, etc. Each time he 'earned' a chore he'd take it from the front and when he was done the card went in the back. It took him a few weeks (and a LOT of extra chores) but he eventually stopped complaining. He's now a pretty darn good cleaner and rarely complains. If he does an extra chore or two reminds him of why he wants to be happy.

The book Little Britches teaches that work builds character and we talked about that quite a bit. We used this for all the kids, most of them didn't have problems but we wanted to nip it in the bud. My house was so clean during that trainging process! Sometimes I wish they'd complain more so I could assign extra chores....

Posted 1 year ago # Report Post
Janell
Member

I know this may seem simplistic, but just keep giving her tasks to finish. Don't fall in to the trap of giving her less because of her unwillingness. Give lots of small jobs throughout the day. Praise her for a job well done and for getting right to it. Her "labor of decision" will grow less as she does more. I love love love Sonya's free ebook, The Way of the Will. If you haven't read that yet...read it today.

Posted 1 year ago # Report Post
suzukimom
Member

This was what my now 8yo boy did when he was younger (see "I want to Trade")... "I'm tired!"... "I don't feel well"... "My legs hurt"...

We did at some point take him to the doctor to make sure that there wasn't some underlying problem, btw.

We didn't let him get out of things (and often used variations of his violin teacher's response to that type of talk... "First you get tired, then you get strong" (so we might say - "Oh, good - you must be about go get strong!"))

He mostly works well now without complaint.

I never had the energy to assign more work - but maybe I'll make the list of extra chores, as his sister is having tantrums etc....

Posted 1 year ago # Report Post
MamaSnow
Member

My dd6 has the same problem at times. I would agree with Janell and Suzukimom that (as annoying as it is) you just kind of have to push through and not let her complaining get her out of doing things. We still have problems from time to time, but have seen improvement with consistently not giving in to her whining. I've also found it helpful to remove priviliges when appropriate - one of our biggest whining culprits around here is cleaning up toys before lunch or bedtime so when she complains or dawdles too much she has to go straight down for quiet time/bed and loses out on the special privilige of getting to stay up a little later than her younger brother and sister. ("Well if you're so tired, I guess you'll have to take a nap today/go to bed early tonight.") We've also talked about how Jesus can help her have the strength to do even the jobs she doesn't really like/want to do - sometimes I will send her into her into her room to 'have a chat' with Jesus and get her attitude straightened out and then come back and try again. (Goodness knows that *I* need to do this from time to time!) I know something is getting through because I found today a post-it note stuck up by the sink that she had written to herself that read (invented spelling and all): "Wosh dishis in the sinx with a good adatood."

Hope that helps some...and know that I hear ya sister!
Jen

Posted 1 year ago # Report Post
LindseyD.
Member

I have read Way of the Will. We talk often about weak wills and the only way to make them stronger is to practice. I don't stop giving her tasks to do, but I will definitely come up with more for her to do. You're right; if work is too hard for her then she needs more to build up her endurance. I don't let her complaining success in getting her out of her work. I just get so tired of listening to it because the things I'm asking her to do really aren't hard. Come on...wiping the table? Stirring eggs? Seriously?

Thankfully, she never has tantrums or stomps her feet or screamed. She will get an attitude though which I tell her is not a wise choice and is having a weak will instead of a strong will.

Jen, that's so sweet about your dd's little post-it! I would LOVE to find something like that!

So what you're all saying is to stop giving her the "be thankful because this is part of being in our family" speech and instead just assign more work? I just want to make sure I'm clear because I'm out of ideas.

Thanks,

Lindsey

Posted 1 year ago # Report Post
simple home
Member

It definitely wouldn't hurt to assign a few days of "a lot of work" to help her understand that her usual work is not so bad. I used to think having one child was so much work until I had two children, then three, now four! Apparently I needed a lot of lessons. LOL!

Posted 1 year ago # Report Post
Wendy
Member

If you can praise the other children for doing their work with out complaining, she may start to "get it". I tried this recently and my youngest, who like yours is very "expressive", said, "What about me mom? I'm doing a good job too right?"

Also, be mindful of the way you react to her complaining. We are modeling good and bad attitudes. It has helped me so much to maintain my calm, in my emotions, my facial expressions, and MY tone. (I have more bad days than good, BUT) I have been trying to get to the point in my corrections that it is clear to me and to them that this is not about me or what pleases me, this is about them and how to "grow" their character because character matters. David, Joseph, and Josiah, and Daniel, to mention a few DID HARD THINGS. They had character. They also had a relationship w/ God that helped develop that character. Their knowledge of God drove them to do great things (that were hard). Incredible stories to inspire and to think about and discuss.

One thing to be grateful for in your daughter is that she is honest. She is expressing truths. Yes, we see it as complaining but it is also healthy and admirable for her to be honest. My oldest was scolded when she complained and today (as a 20 year old), she is private and a bit more withdrawn. Maybe she is like this by nature but I wish I would not have stopped her from complaining as much as I did. I would rather know what she is thinking. We have to rebuild that trust. She developed such a "pleaser" attitude that she began to not feel comfortable telling me if something wasn't going right for her.

Remember to build her up and listen and to try to make it fun and empathise and then spur her on to do things well.

One last thought is this. My kids are full of energy and NOT so full of energy at different times of the day, just like me. Study her. She may rather come along side of you and help you in the morning and do her hard work after lunch? Or do her hard work first thing and then enjoy the benefits of it? A friend of mine has several children. When one is going through a season of weak character, they get to be mom's buddy for weeks at a time. They shadow and help and do everything. This doesn't allow the child time to drift or get off track, they are constantly being "shepherded" in their thoughts and actions. Maybe this would help?

Hang in there! You are a hard worker and you value hard work. She'll come around.

Enjoy.

Posted 1 year ago # Report Post
Nayln
Member

One technique I am using with my ds5 is to help train him in habits I want him to have, I take a roll of nickles on the 1st of each month. Every time, & I do mean every time, he demonstrates the undesierable, I take away a nickle. If there are any nickles left at the end of the month, he gets to keep them, if not, then he doesn't get any spare change. Any nickles he loses are mine to do with as I see fit: donate, feed the chickens at the zoo, or what have you.

Posted 1 year ago # Report Post
crazy4boys
Member

We've tried to teach our children to disagree appropriately or to express their feelings in an appropriate manner. For example, if we ask them to do their assigned chore and they are 2 pages from finishing a book, they might freak out, ignore us, etc...and then get in trouble for not obeying. Being huge readers ourselves we understand the pull of a book, so we're trying to teach that you can say, "Okay. But I'm 2 pages away from finishing my book. May I please finish it before doing my chore?" They could also explain things like 'I'm not feeling well', "I don't understand what you want me to do", etc. One of our 11-yr-olds is a master for seeing things we don't always talks respectfully and logically about things - he'll make an excellent attorney or politician some day! We want them to acknowledge that they heard us by saying "Okay", which also shows a willingness to obey. But if they have some reason why they can't/don't want to do something we want them to talk to us in a calm voice and express the reasons why. They'll need this skill in their jobs and with personal relationships.

We also use the extra work we assign (see my previous post) as an opportunity to praise a lot. The more work they do, the more we can praise them! We try to make sure it's more than "good job" though. We talk about their good work ethic, their cheerful attitude, how they used their muscles to really scrub the _____, how blessed our family is by their work, etc.

Posted 1 year ago # Report Post
simple home
Member

It just occurred to me Lindsey that your dd really may be tired, especially if she has not complained much before in the past. I know you are doing the Gaps diet. You seriously may want to see if she is needing extra (the healthy kind!) carbs. Sometimes the easiest tasks are hard when we don't have certain fuel, especially a growing child.

So IMO, don't give the extra work to her until you know for sure that she has the energy. Check her weight and make sure she is on track. I don't mean to sound alarming, but it's better to be safe.

Posted 1 year ago # Report Post
LindseyD.
Member

Actually, simple home, we have been off the GAPS Diet for about 3 months now. It was too much for me to handle as I was cooking and cleaning constantly and became overwhelmed. As far as her diet goes,
she is getting plenty of carbs: sourdough bread, brown rice pasta, soaked oatmeal, not to mention daily afternoon smoothies and access to all the fresh fruit she wants. I honestly don't think she is too tired to do her work. She sleeps well at night and is getting between 10-12 hours of sleep each night, plus she has an opportunity to take a nap every afternoon. Most days she does nap. This has been an issue ever since she started doing real
chores. If the job is her idea, like when she asks if she can help cook, she has much more gumption about doing it. If it's my request or a chore on her daily list, she is suddenly tired or weak or what have you. I appreciate your concern, but if I hadn't already considered that possibility, I wouldn't have posted. I truly believe this is a heart issue with her that I have yet to tap into.

I am going to try to work on my own attitude, making sure I am constantly positive and praising her for even a small
job well done. Crazy4boys, I will take your suggestion to teach her how to express herself in a positive, yet submissive way. And I will add more to her work load if the complaining persists.

Posted 1 year ago # Report Post
LindseyD.
Member

One other thought I just had: what if, after she complains, I have her complete the task then send her to bed? I wonder if I could use this to my advantage? That way, if she's just complaining and trying to be lazy, she's not getting any play time or fun instead of doing her work; and if she is genuinely tired she has a chance to rest. Perhaps that will help her distinguish between real fatigue and complaining. What do you all think of that?

Posted 1 year ago # Report Post
simple home
Member

Good to know Lindsey!

I think your last idea is really good. It would be a effective way of making her do the work, but still having an gentle way of disciplining her for complaints that you are unsure about.

Posted 1 year ago # Report Post
Evergreen
Member

We've had a similar issue with two of our boys, and I've also used the approach of adding another chore, because "it sounds like you need more practice learning to do a chore without complaining," or "It sounds like you need more practice so you won't get so tired out!"

We've found Our 24 Family Ways to be a great resource for family devotionals, and to be really useful with this issue. In this instance, we'd focus for a few weeks on the section regarding "Work in Our Family" ("We are diligent to complete a task promptly and thoroughly when asked; we work with a cooperative spirit, freely giving and receiving help, etc"). This gives us a jumping off point to discuss doing everything "as unto the Lord," and has given us time together to read and reflect on scripture and how it pertains to these little every day things.

Another thing I read somewhere really resonated with me, as it backed up what CM had to say about habit formation. The article suggested giving children a "redo" when they've responded inappropriately, and walking them through the steps to help retrain their brains to do things the right way. I've been using this with my Littlest, 8, for the very same issue you describe - it's a fairly new one for him, and took me by surprise!

The first time I did this, I told him we were going to practice, so he could get better at doing everything without murmering or complaining. I then asked what a good response would be - something like, "ok, mom," and told him we'd have a redo. I sent him out of the room, called him in again, and asked him to do the chore again, to which he responded something like, "Ok, Mom." So now we do this routinely, without the explanation, each time he moans or complains when asked to do a task.

I've found this same principle works well in other situations too. Perhaps this is intuitive to some, but it was a newsflash to me!

Blessings,
Aimee

Posted 1 year ago # Report Post

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