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ARRGGHHH…Please pray that I can have peace…
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Last week, my oldest daughter spent the week with my in-laws (grandma and grandpa). She came back on Tues. Today, we were just doing math drills in the car and she mentioned that grandma kept quizzing her during the week. That raised a red flag and I asked her if Grandma said anything about homeschooling…She replied that all week long grandma kept telling her that she “really needs to go back to public school.” I AM LIVID!
My MIL has never said anything against homeschooling to any of us. So Im extremely disappointed that she decided that my 10 year old daughter is the one she was going to make an issue with. While my husband and I will be having a talk with my MIL, I def cant do it until I calm down. For some reason, Im more upset about this then when I told my own dad we were homeschooling, and his response was “OMG, I hate that!”
Anyhow, all afternoon Ive been irritated and having doubts creeping up again…I dont like feeling this way. I dont like feeling like this is all a mistake. I just need prayers for peace of heart and not to let bitterness creep up into my heart.
Thanks…
Deep breaths….
Wow, that is just awful. A terrible position for you to be in with your MIL and with your daughter. I pray you can calmly and rationally address this with your MIL and come out stronger on the other side.
A few tips that are just coming to mind: Maybe if you just made your mind up to not defend yourselves at all to her (at least at the initial “confrontation”)? Just ask her to give you her thoughts on homeschooling, give her ideas, her reservations, her fears. Listen to her, try to read between the lines, clarify what you hear her saying, but don’t offer any rebuttal. Ask her if she has any specific-to-you questions about HS (“Sure we hear that question all the time, Mom!”). Then take a few days to gather your own thoughts and maybe some research and documentation about HS. Maybe get the kids’ assignments or work out for her to see. Especially point out any obvious progress any student had made. Put her fears lovingly to rest. Ask her what she would like to know regularly about HS. Ask her to be more involved with the kids’ fieldtrips, testing, drills, etc. It is possible that if she knows she is welcome to see things for herself, she won’t ever feel the need to. Warning: if she does take you up on becoming involved, make sure you have pretty set groundrules in place. (Like she can’t undermine the teacher again by talking to the kids behind your back or promote anything contrary to your teachings.)
Plus, not at first, but eventually, you may need to ask if she truly thinks your children are less intelligent than public school students of the same age. Does she believe they will suffer long term issues either socially, emotionally, educationally, just by being in HS? Have her picture each of her grandchildren in 15 or 20 years. What does she see? Who’s responsible? Who’s flighty? Who made poor decisions? Who is well-rounded? Does she understand how much research HS families (moms) do to prep for making a huge decision like homeschooling? Is she any more qualified than you and your husband to know what is best for your children? I mean seriously, is she a retired teacher? A psychologist? A HS expert?
If she is willing to offer genuine, loving concern, well – what a blessing! But if she is only criticizing what she doesn’t know, well, that’s a different story.
I pray your husband is able to team strongly with you on this or it may get even more difficult. Let us know how it goes! Blessings and prayers.
Sometimes people talk badly about things that they do not really understand. She may not want to be involved in teaching, but you can have the kids regularly share with her what they have been working on and learning about. Maybe she could go on a few field trips or help with a project.
You are their mother and love them more than any teacher could. You do what is best for them. They can persue their own interests and use their God-given skills and talents. I’m sure their grandmother loves them and wants what is best for them as well. It sounds like she doesn’t have a very good understanding of the benefits of homeschooling. Would she read any books on it? Perhaps Lisa Whelchel’s homeschooling book? Prayers for you and yours.
She is a retired teacher…but so is my husband (well, not retired..but former PS teacher) 😛 Im not sure how it is in other places, but around here, Public teachers tend to be REALLY anti homeschooling (with the exception of the unusually large amount of former teachers who now homeschool). We have always kept her informed of the fun and educational things we’ve done. She doesnt live locally, so getting her more involved wouldnt really work (thou, we do believe that the things the kids do with grandma are educational…she has always taught them new skills and we are apprecitive of it)
My daughter is very advanced in reading, writing, narrating…she can read or watch a show about a concept, understand it, and explain it back VERY smoothly. Her spelling is great…her only struggle has been with Multiplication Tables, which she had problems with in PS. We’ve only had her out for a year, and have been working on them very steadily. Of course, that has been the one thing that my MIL was picking at (and I believe) making her opinion on (though, it could just be she’s against homeschooling and it never came up).
Also, even though my MIL is in her 70’s, she has always kind of been a feminist, and didnt really appreciate having to be that Mother and Homewife that she was. She has a college degree, but had a “female” job and kind of resents that too. (Not that she doesnt love and serve her family, because she does…but you always get the idea that isnt enough.) She didnt get why my sister-in-law (her daughter) and I both choose to be stay at home moms (long before I even thought of homeschooling). For YEARS she was constantly bugging us to “get a job” “go back to school and make something of yourself”. Obviously, this wasnt what she was expecting LOL
Thanks for the thoughts, Ill prayerfully consider them. The saddest thing, is that I SERIOUSLY mailed off my Whelchel’s homeschooling book off to someone yesterday through paperbackswap.com LOL Timing is everything LOL
It sounds to me as though she is just of a different bent than you (and her daughter) are….perhaps even different than her son, who supports homeschooling. And aren’t we called to “train up a child in the way he (or she) should go…” according to the proverb? I believe she may have done that, at least to some extent, and her own children are living their lives according to their own particular bent. However, the “enemy of our souls” likes to use people to bring out our own fears (“I’m not as good at this as I should be” or “Maybe she is right about it and I’m wrong”), and it becomes a really big issue for us. Matters that affect the soul are like that because the soul is where our emotions reside.
If you MIL is not much like you, that’s okay. But I wouldn’t let her get to you. Stand strong with your husband in the things you know you are called to do. Call on other like-minded people (like us) to encourage you. Then it will be easier to deal with people who oppose what you feel is right for your family.
What would I do with your MIL? Well, it could be said that since your husband is called to lead and protect your family (plus, she is his mom), he might be best to handle confronting her comments to your daughter. It seems unlikely that you will win her over to the homeschooling side of things in the near future, so perhaps your hubby could just briefly tell her, “Mom, you kind of put our daughter on the spot when you were “quizzing” her and it makes my wife feel uncomfortable when you question our choices in front of our daughter. It hurts my feelings when they are treated like that, so I’m asking you to please avoid making those kinds of comments in the future.” Then perhaps you could get on the phone with her and thank her for the skill-building she has provided the kids and tell her you can see that she loves them and wants the best for them. Ask her if she would like you to send her pictures of projects the kids are working on or email updates on their accomplishments.
Keep your side of things positive and non-confrontational if you can. Put the ball in her court. If she says something like, “What I’d like to see is the kids in a school!” don’t bother challenging it with “But they are in school!” You’ll know what she means, and it wouldn’t be worth getting into an argument over. You might be surprised, though, and she may be interested to see what is going on regarding schoolwork–if not now, then perhaps in the future.
I wouldn’t let this get to you too much, especially if she’s not local. It’s not like she lives next door or attends church with you, so you won’t have to keep facing her comments all the time. Life has enough stress without taking on a confrontation with someone who isn’t a decision-maker in your home.
Blessings,
Sue
I agree with Sue on all points, especially your dh confronting her. But, it may help for you to step into her shoes. If she is a retired ps teacher, then she probably found satisfaction and value in her job. After all, she went to college for training for that job. So to her, it may be more of an insult to her that you are their teacher and not sending your children to ps where she poured her life’s work into. I am not saying she is right, but there is a place for ps as hs is not for everyone. But you know that you know that you are doing what is best for YOUR family and what God has lead you to do. She really needs a better understanding of what homeschooling is about and the benefits of it. This will take some time though. My father is a retired ps teacher. When he first learned of my interest in homeschool, he flat out told me that he did not agree with it, but he sort of respectfully agreed to disagree. He said that I am the parent and that it is my choice. Perhaps you can at least strive to respectfully agree to disagree.
My MIL did not appreciate our homeschool for nearly 8 years, not to mention her anxiety over the many children we have. I learned the hard way that if I discussed homeschooling etc. with her, it gave her an open door to debate our family decisions. How I wish I could have learned early to not discuss certain topics with her or worry about her opinions. For a long time I thought she just didn’t like me, but I see now that she was struggling in her own life with anxiety. In time she has accepted our homeschooling to the point of enjoying it. She sends us beautiful art books, recommendations like Khan Academy, and plenty of encouraging conversations.
I suggest you listen to Sonya’s audio message titled Reaching Your Child’s Heart. I listened to this for the first time this week and love it. Sonya spoke about how easy it is for us to focus mainly on things we can see which are temporary (academics), and how we need to not neglect to reach deep into the hearts of our children for eternal spiritual training. Academics, while important, is only one facet of our children’s lives.
Janell
Thinking about what everyone is saying, I think the most troubling thing for me is that I didnt know that she was against our homeschooling. (We’ve homeschooled our son for four years, and just started with our daughters last year.) Im just very disappointed that instead of even mentioning it to us, she (imo) harrassed my daughter.
ETA: Honestly, I think Im just trying to wrap my mind around all this.
That has happened to me before (my dd13 told me how her grandmother spoke disrespectfully about some of our decisions to her and encouraged her to read something that we did not approve)…and I stepped in and said something to my MIL. I wish I had let it go instead of fanning the flame and had my husband deal with it as necessary, especially since my daughter handled the situation with maturity.
I am sure this has already taken place between you and your daughter, but have a discussion about how very wonderful it was that she had the discernment to tell you about her conversations with her grandmother, why you choose to homeschool, why others may disagree, and how to guard her heart against discouragement and discontentment that may follow an encounter with someone who openly disagrees with your family’s decisions.
Janell
My guess would be that your dad’s response didn’t bother you as much b/c while he was not in favor of homeschooling, he at least gave you the respect of his honest opinion and didn’t bring an innocent child into it. My mom was never rah-rah homeschool and she was nervous about me wanting to be a stay at home mom and homeschooler b/c her marriage was so bad and her work life was her safety. She didn’t want me to get into a situation where I couldn’t take care of myself if I needed to. It was all about where she was coming from. She and I had many conversations and they were open and honest and respectful. She passed away 2 1/2 years ago and while I don’t think she was ever completely on the same page as I was, she was respectful and it didn’t hurt our relationship at all, in fact it helped us grow even closer to have adult conversation. If you are able to have an adult conversation with her (and your husband) great. If not, plant the seed, walk away with your head held high, and respectfully decline her offers to spend time alone with her grandkids if she is going to manipulate in that way.
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